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Wish I understood

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by oftentorn, Aug 10, 2009.

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  1. oftentorn

    oftentorn Member

    I come here sometimes, but don't post much. I just read people's stories and wonder what's wrong with me. My life really isn't that bad, so I don't know why I end up feeling so lousy at times.

    I do feel overwhelmed and totally behind most of the time. It seems that most of the time, I can't get caught up and everyday just puts me further and further behind. And I feel it. It's like....wake up, hmmm, well today is another day that I owe more money that I don't have to more people who don't give a rip that I'm broke. They just want their money (which is totally understandable).

    Oh but wait, thank God I've at least got a job, right! That is a good thing, but I go there and there are a trillion things to do that I'll never be able to finish in a million years. I mean, so far, it seems that all the world is still happy with me and my performance but it's just a frustrating feeling. I leave work each day with more things to do than i started with when I came in. PLUS the stuff that I started with. I just want to scream could all you people just leave me alone for a month so I can get all this insane and generally unimportant crap done that you are whining about. But that would be hateful and I know they don't mean any harm...they just need stuff. So, I keep smiling at them and adding things to my stack of stuff to do...that is ever growing and never shrinking. And I think...don't y'all need to lay anyone off? I'll go, at least that would offer the excuse as to why my life is a mess. At this point, there is no excuse. I'm just a mess.

    And church....grrrr...people ask me to volunteer for things and ministries and I'm too much of a dork to just say no. So, now I even dread going to church because I know someone else is going to ask me to do something for them. Ack!

    And then I get home. My house is a total wreck. I don't know what's wrong with me or why it seems to take me so long to do anything, but I'm the worst organized person and the slowest cleaner upper in the world.

    And every week I make a fresh commitment to "get it together" whatever the hell that's supposed to mean. Every week I try as hard as I can. And every week it's the same and I think really, God???? Why can't you just let me be done now?

    I'd never kill myself. I know it's not up to me, it's up to God. And I have a child that I love beyond comprehension and can't imaginet he thought of him having to live on this awful planet without a loving momma to have his back. That would be totally unfair and unkind.

    But I just wish I didn't want too!!!!!! I don't know if that makes sense or not but I look around and see people that seemingly are enjoying this planet, and I don't get it.

    I assume that most people live because they want too, I live because I have too. And I'd love to switch categories one day.
  2. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    I just wanted you to know I read your post and think that you have a tremendous heart. You care and concern for others is so evident but seems that for all that you give you are not getting much back in your life. I would love to talk to you sometime if you would like. Sometimes just sharing stories is a great comfort.
    You may PM, IM or email me via my profile page at anytime. My work is slow right now to I will respond rather quickly.
    Hang in there and I am glad you posted, hope we get to know each other better. :hugtackles:
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hey it sounds like you need to make a list of things to do and start crossing off some of them that are not necessary right away. Prioritize you time and start telling me NO sorry im way to busy maybe when i am caught up ill get back to ya but not now. I am glad you are here remember it is alright to take time out for you and to politely say no because you deserve time for you too. take care

    ODIECOM Well-Known Member

    sounds like you need to slow down alittle bit. work ... well ... we cant always control what happens there. we simply do the best we can and what will be will be.
    what you need to do, is start taking time for you. the ppl at church will understand. you tell them that you are in the progress of getting things in your life in order. money issues, im full of them. im broke as well. so are most of the ppl at work.
    its a day by day deal. before you go to bed one nite, sit down in your room and constructively write down a plan of action. make a commitment to yourself to finish it and get going.
    i think if you gave yourself a week, slow down, do a bit each day to clean the house. it will all fall into place.

    slow down and take time to smell the flowers.
    your stressed out because your overwhelmed right now. nothing is in place.

    start with the house. one day at a time, do a bit each day.

    slow down. take a breath.
  5. oftentorn

    oftentorn Member

    I started this thread over a year ago, and just happened back upon it while checking back in (because the feelings never go away I guess) and felt bad because you folks responded so kindly and I didn't ever reply!

    If you are still hanging around this forum thanks for taking the time to read my thread and offer encouragement. Even though I didn't get back to the forum on that day, it still made me smile today!

    Still living because I have too...but oh well, so goes the world. Thanks for the kindness. LOL, everything is pretty much the same....except my house isn't a total wreck this week. :IrishDoll:
  6. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    How have you been feeling oftentorn? How are you doing these days?
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