Today was the first day I was supposed to see a new physiatrist, but instead I chickened out and cancelled my appointment. Why do I always make my life harder then what it should be? If I am not ripping myself apart physically with a knife, then I am doing it mentally, giving myself hope that I am going in the right direction then taking it away any chance of happiness at the last minute. No matter what I do in life I seem to be slowly getting worse and I am either unable or unwilling to stop it. There must be something wrong with me that I continue to torture myself and allow others to torture me day in and day out, recognize this, and yet still continue to self-destruct. I die a little bit each day emotionally, hoping that by luck or by miracle that I will some day die physically and yet I know there is help available. Yet I am too weak to either get help or end my life, so I keep on living, suffering, but unable to take any action.