Wish I was a stronger person

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Abby Rose, Nov 6, 2007.

  1. Abby Rose

    Abby Rose Well-Known Member

    Today was the first day I was supposed to see a new physiatrist, but instead I chickened out and cancelled my appointment. Why do I always make my life harder then what it should be? If I am not ripping myself apart physically with a knife, then I am doing it mentally, giving myself hope that I am going in the right direction then taking it away any chance of happiness at the last minute. No matter what I do in life I seem to be slowly getting worse and I am either unable or unwilling to stop it. There must be something wrong with me that I continue to torture myself and allow others to torture me day in and day out, recognize this, and yet still continue to self-destruct. I die a little bit each day emotionally, hoping that by luck or by miracle that I will some day die physically and yet I know there is help available. Yet I am too weak to either get help or end my life, so I keep on living, suffering, but unable to take any action.
  2. nicesinging1

    nicesinging1 Well-Known Member

    Hi, Alexis. This is Hank. We talked in the chat room. I hope you remember me. I had chance to read some of your threads to have an understanding of what you have been through and where your pains are coming from. It was very heartbreaking to read what you have been through.
    I wish I could be much of help to you. But I am not doing terribly well either. The seeimingly never-ending, perpetual severe depression/panic attack/anxiety symptoms have been everyday battle for the last 10 years. I thought I was mentally strong enough to overcome it somehow but that hasn't happened yet.
    Sometimes I feel so low, so unbearably painful, I scream out, "If life is this much painful, torturous, why bother even create one in the first place?" Nobody knows the reason for why all the things happen in this world and why life works the way it works.
    But I would like to believe there is hope, miracle, wonder, inspiration, beauty, enough happiness, goodness in this world to make our world a wonderful place. Nobody but God or Creator knows why I am still alive. Nobody but God knows why I didn't drown to death at 15 when I was only few minutes away.
    I sincerely believe you need to utilize all the help you can to get better whether it be counseling, anti-depressants, exercise, hobbies, etc. At the end, it is your body, mental health, your inner self that you need to take care of. I hope you find that inner strength and courage to seek help and gradually improve your well-beings both mentally and physically.
    Before I leave, I want to leave you with few quotes to think about.
    "It is not about how you start. It is about how you finish."
    "I will live every day like it is my last. When I look at the mirror each night, I will be proud of who I am regardless of results."
    "I have made a lot of mistakes in my life. But I feel it is only mistake if you repeat the same mistakes."
    "It is not about what I face. It is about how I deal with them. Life may give me tremendous pains and sufferings. But it will never destroy my tenacity, determination, willpower to never back down and fight to the end."
    Pm me any time, Alexis. Take good care of yourself. Good night.