Wish I could be dancing now, in the arms of the girl I love. ♪♫ Just hearing that one line in the song Stop The Cavalry made me suddenly dread Christmas. Just the thought of the 'Christmas Spirit' makes me wanna kill myself. Everyone so happy and 'merry', me sitting here so miserable and depressed. I mean, it's not like I'm alone or anything, so I don't have it as bad as some, but the fact I am depressed makes me feel so alone. No one else is on the same level as me. No one understands what I'm going through and everyone will be enjoying the day and I probably will want to just go to my room and cry. My mam kicked me out just over a year ago and we haven't been on speaking terms since. We're both stubborn. But we both did wrong. So I decided 3 days ago on the anniversary of her kicking me out, I would send her a Facebook message, since she had tried to contact me since and I hadn't responded. (She upset me a LOT). I decided, since it's been a year, and since it's almost Christmas, perhaps I should contact her. No use being ridiculous and stubborn and refusing to talk on Christmas, right? But I sent her a message, she didn't seem at all grateful that I'd messaged her. It was like we'd been speaking all alone. She just didn't seem to act any differently. Then I told her I was logging off and said, okay take care, and hasn't messaged me since. I don't understand. She tried to contact me before, she says she misses me every day, and now I've made contact with her and she just doesn't even seem to give a damn. There's also the reason the lyric I posted at the top made me feel suicidal, namely 'the girl I love'. What I want more than anything is to be in love, but I don't think I'm capable. I have a boyfriend whom I have been with for nearly 7 months. He's amazing, I like him a lot, he loves me and treats me so well. But I just can't fall in love with him. I think it's my instability. Sometimes I feel like I love him, and I tell him because that's genuinely how I feel at that moment, but I don't think I do. Borderline traits have me hating him sometimes, I want to break up with him so often but at other times I adore him and can't bear to be without him. It's difficult and I wish I just had some stability in feelings for him. I know I can't be without him, because I've tried, but I still don't seem to be able to want to be with him all the time. Christmas Day itself is just going to be hell, because I'll end up spending it with my dad's sister and his mother. His mother is a complete bitch to me. Any excuse to insult me, honestly. Always compares me to her favourite granddaughter, saying why don't you do this as well as her, why don't you have a job, she's got two jobs. She's shallow and racist and just spending five minutes in her company is enough to get me so angry I want to scream in her face. What's worse is that it just reminds me that my nanna (my mam's mother) isn't here for Christmas. She died in January. She was the first grandparent that I lost and she was also my favourite member of family. She was amazing, we had such a close relationship from when I was a baby and I think I probably formed the attachment with her that I should have formed with my mother. I still feel suicidal sometimes when I think about her, and I just want to be with her, wherever she is, be that no where. I just don't to feel the pain of my depression anymore. My nanna was wonderful and was only 66 when she died. My dad's mam (don't like to refer to her as my grandmother because I can't stand her) has got to be at least 150 now and she's a god-awful person, yet she gets so much of a longer life than my wonderful, sweet nanna who suffered through cancer and all sorts of horrible stuff in her much shorter life. I wish she was still here. God, can we do a trade? Take me instead. As my granddad said after her passing, "God, take me instead. Let Sheila dance again". Fuck Christmas. Fuck everything. There is nothing left in life for me. Nothing I want. I wish I was gone.