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wish I was dead *trigger warning*

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Petal, May 15, 2016.

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  1. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    I woke up yesterday feeling angry and suicidal due to dreams about the man that raped me (continuoes, its every night now), I wanted to (self edit-methods) I thought the only thing to make me feel better was to have a few drinks, it was my alternative to suicide,so I went into the city and I had 6 or 7 bottles of miller. When I came home my mom went mental at me and told me to kill myself. She directly told me to (self edit-methods)

    I don't want to be here any more, I don't want to die, I just want things to be better, I'm 27 ffs, I need to get some independence and move out of this place, fucking hell hole it is, it's cursed. I cannot afford to move out yet, I need to get indepedant and get a life, I know that and I want to quit therapy cos its making me worse, i'm on the module of ''radical acceptance'' trust me when I say it is doing me no favours, its making me unstable and I don't like it.

    More happened but I don't want to talk about it here. Really do not want to share.Just wish I could die or disappear. I hate myself so much. I want to SH because I deserve to feel pain. My niece is making her holy confirmation on tuesday and I am not even invited. I am hated because I am a horrible person and deserve to die. On the upside, I leave my house everyday and I'm losing weight but fuck this I just want out. No one ever invites me anywhere, its always someone else, fuck this shit.

    I am hated/avoided because I am an anti social and a super anxious nut prone to panic attacks. Should I quit therapy if I am 100 percent sure it could drive me to suicide?
  2. Freya

    Freya Loves SF Staff Member ADMIN SF Author

    If you are 100% sure that working on accepting the bad things that happened and that good things can still happen despite the "bad things" is going to drive you to suicide, then the truth is that you probably need to speak to someone as a matter of urgency about a facility Lynn. I am not going to say "yes you should quit therapy" because quitting everything when it gets difficult and/or upsetting means you never get any better - and you deserve to get better. DBT is hard because its not "nice therapy" that just talks about how you feel - but that type of therapy hasn't helped you and hasn't made anything better in the last decade.

    If you are having to go get drunk to avoid suicide then, again, you need to talk to someone about that because it isn't a safe behaviour - and more than that it doesn't help. Every time you get drunk you feel worse. And it doesn't help to persuade people that you are stable or safe to be around which also makes you feel worse.

    I think you need to change your mindset about therapy from "Its making me worse" to "Its bringing up hard things and I hate them but I need to get better" - recovery is hard - its horrible - its about dealing with things you don't want to deal with. But always quitting (which you say yourself is one of your major problems - I am not trying to be mean) is why it is over a decade later and you still are stuck in this situation honey. Radical Acceptance is really difficult but its needed - you need to accept the bad things in your past and move forward from them instead of letting them affect your present. No of course its not easy - if it was you wouldn't need therapy - but you can't have a better life without doing it, and you deserve a better life.

    People don't hate you but you have to remember that your actions affect the people you love and that love you. Its not okay for anyone to tell you kill yourself, of course its not, but it is okay for people to have feelings and to make choices for themselves based on your behaviours. If you are unstable and not in control, then it is okay for people to not want you at an important event (for example) - I know that is hard to hear and it is a really shitty feeling - but it is shitty for them too to have to worry about it. To have to worry about you. It isn't because they hate you that they get mad - its because they love you and its been over a decade of worrying about you - being on edge - not knowing how you're going to be or what you're going to do. And knowing that every time you start doing something to get better - and they have some hope for you - you quit. I know its easy to believe it only affects you, but every time you quit it shatters their hopes too.

    You do need to get out of there - you are right. You need to get some independence and escape from the horrible situation - but you can't do that without really hard work and not quitting - you can't do that if you keep falling back on the easy solution of living with your mom and not gritting your teeth and dealing with the hard realities. I 100% believe you CAN make your life better and recover - but you need to stop telling yourself you can't and that you should quit and that you should die and that people hate you. All of those things are lying to yourself - and they are not helping. Tell yourself instead that you survived all these awful things, that you are kind and capable and you ARE GOING TO GET BETTER - even if its hard and horrible. The past can go to hell - your future is what matters.
    Jenumbra, SillyOldBear and Petal like this.
  3. bobbob

    bobbob SF Supporter

    Hi Petal
    I am sorry that you are having such a tough time, especially as sounded so optimistic a couple of days ago.Im not really well placed to comment on specifics but I just wanted to wish you all the best.
    Petal likes this.
  4. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Thank you both. Freya, I agree with EVERYTHING you have said. I can NOT quit, I cannot let that be an option, it's just a thought that makes me get out of doing hard things as you realise. I will go tomorrow and I will explain to the therapist about the suicidal/alcohol thoughts. I really don't want to die. I just want to be trusted and cared for. I cried really bad after making this post and my sister (older sis) hugged me tight and told me she doesn't hate me and to pick out a comedy and we will go to see it in the theatre. I also had a talk with my mom, she doesn't understand what it's like for me but is willing to help me and she said sorry for telling me to kill myself, she also said she thinks the DBT is 10 years too late??? Hmmm. I don't know. I will talk to the therapist in the morning. I REALLY pleased that you believe in me, it's made me feel a ton better. Thank you :) And thanks Bob, I have bad days on and off and this is one of them, I just want to enjoy life. Thank you both and will definitely read your reply again. I like how you are not afraid to tell me like it is and giving me useful advice :)
  5. na-taya

    na-taya Well-Known Member

    I wish I had some wise words for you right now but unforntanly I don't.

    But I do know that I found different parts of DBT more challenging that others....and some took a lot longer for me to accept and be able to work with. Radical acceptance is never easy but I think you should keep working on it and stick it out. Just be honest and open with your therapist about your feeling that it's bringing up. Does your DBT have phone coaching?? If so you should use it, short phone callers to coach you though.

    I know it all seems a hard right now but I know you can do this. Just keep telling yourself that, yes for every time you tell yourself you can you will tell your self you can't x10 but keep at it and keep reminding yourself you can.

    I hope that you start to feel a bit better soon
    Petal likes this.
  6. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Thank you hun. I am viewing a room to rent tomorrow. I have just made that appointment so I have made some progress.

    The DBT is getting very difficult and bringing up memories I'd rather bury. I'm going to talk this out with my therapist tomorrow, yes there is phone coaching on week days only, I just hope I can get that room, I will be delighted if I do. DBT certainly is hard but as I always say suicide should never be seen as an ''option''. It's good that even feeling this bad that I can say that :)

    Ty darling'! (hugs)
    ThePhantomLady likes this.
  7. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    Hi hun, how are you feeling right now?

    I am really, really sorry you had to deal with this, I can totally understand how DBT can bring back things, but I'm sorry it hit you this hard and you had these nightmares, and that you are being treated this way.

    From the way I know you I can tell you that you are a very special person, You have done so much for so many, myself included. I know why your niece is acting the way she is, and trust me hun, that is not your fault! I really hope things changes as she grows older... but I know this hurts now *hugs*

    Could you plan something for that day? So you don't have to sit at home and think on it too much?

    I will cross my fingers for you to be getting that room, or finding something else, you deserve it hun!

    Hang in there hun, I believe in you!

    And you can write to me anytime! *more hugs*
  8. Rockclimbinggirl

    Rockclimbinggirl SF climber Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    *hugs* Remember how much you want DBT. For your housing, is it possible for you to get someone in your family to be your guarantor? Basically someone who guarantees your rent will be paid.
  9. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    I am feeling okay right now hun, its getting more positive as the day goes on, brother is taking me to 2 appointments tomorrow (house and psych nurse). I need to move for my sanity, this village is constant reminders of misery. I'm sure I will get a house share soon..

    Question: What do I say when they ask me do I work etc... my brother told me to tell them I work online, they'd never know the difference.

    My niece is amazing and beautiful but hates me with a passion, I will plan to do something that day by myself that does not include alcohol.

    I will keep doing DBT. I promise, i have wanted it so much and worked so hard for it already, i'm not giving up :)

    Thanks for caring :)
  10. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    Saying you work online is a good idea, it's the truth as well, so it will make it easier to say.

    My fingers are still crossed for you with all of it! I know moving did help me!

    *more hugs*
    Petal likes this.
  11. ToughItOut

    ToughItOut Member

    You have previously infracted me for daring to offer an opinion that doesn't fit with your view but I won't hold that against you.

    If you think that sending me a PM will help your current situation, please do. I will try my best to help you get through this little blip in your life.

    And remember, "a little blip" is all it is :)
    Petal likes this.
  12. MyCatWillMissMe

    MyCatWillMissMe Well-Known Member

    It's really great that you at least have a sister who is good to you. For what it's worth, I think you are a cool person too =)
    Petal likes this.
  13. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    I have just had the best DBT session ever, I told her the cold hard honest truth so she made a chain reaction of the events that happened and she concluded that I am not using my skills enough. That is the answer, I wasn't using them enough,in future they will be the first thing that springs to mind when wanting to die/SH/panic attacks. I promised her that I would not drink again and she said I'm not giving up on you, I will go out to your home if I have to lol I have the best therapy nurse ever, she also stated that if I need it, phone coaching is available 9-5 if in distress. Thank you everyone for being SO kind and no i'm not going to give up on you guys either :)

    ...I just had a very bad day when I wrote this, I guess we're all entitled to them :)
    ToughItOut and ThePhantomLady like this.
  14. ToughItOut

    ToughItOut Member

    Of course; glad you're back on the level. :)
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