Wish I were never born

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by kittylover, Sep 22, 2013.

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  1. kittylover

    kittylover Well-Known Member

    I don't seem to have the courage to kill myself, nor do I want to hurt any of my friends, so despite the horrible constant pain I'm in, suicide seems unlikely.

    Instead, I sit around on weekends crying alone, wishing I were dead or wishing that I had never been born. If I had never been born, I would never have had to suffer the pain of growing up in a body whose gender doesn't match my mind's. And unlike with suicide, nobody would mourn me, since I'd never have existed.

    I just don't care about what I've accomplished in my life anymore. The gender dysphoria now dominates everything. My life is worthless to me if I'm male.
     
  2. erasmus

    erasmus New Member

    :pout: A very complex and difficult situation. Yet, perhaps could be tried as a basic negotiation to set and accept that many ways and feelings and perceptions that culturally are stated as 'feminine' can and do exist naturally in the male, and that from it some of the identity conflict can be lessened in some degree?
     
  3. kittylover

    kittylover Well-Known Member

    If I could accept how I am now, I wouldn't be suicidal like this... =( My brain is just incompatible with my body.
     
  4. kittylover

    kittylover Well-Known Member

    There is nowhere on the Internet for suicidal transgender people like me to go =(

    (unless you're a minor, in which case there's the Trevor Project)
     
  5. IamTetsuo

    IamTetsuo Well-Known Member

    Have you spoken to your friends or family about this? If that is out of the question, you should make contact with TG friendly people online. There is a very large and active TG community online and many TG friendly real world places.

    It doesn't sound like you want to end your life, just that you want to change it.
     
  6. kittylover

    kittylover Well-Known Member

    The transgender communities I've been to have all eventually shunned me. My constant posts about depressing thoughts and not making progress have various times made it clear that I should leave. Similar things have happened in real-world support groups I've been to. There is a reason that I consider this board one of the last places that I can go.

    I do want to end my life, I just don't have the courage or mental strength, and care too much about my friends and cat. I'm in constant pain and nothing ever gets better, with nothing on the horizon or seemingly possible to help my situation. It's not possible to improve my life.
     
  7. IamTetsuo

    IamTetsuo Well-Known Member

    It's ok to come here and talk about being depressed and hopeless, but it doesn't go down too well at regular sites. People don't go there to have someone else bring them down with a situation that they can't do anything to change but if you positively engage with the themes of the site or the group, I'm sure that people will be welcoming. The theme here is being hopeless (more or less!) so it's cool to keep going over that idea.

    Maybe try going back to these places and keep this site to let out the majority of your darker side. There are undoubtedly other people in a similar situation to you who would also love someone to talk to and become friends with. If transitioning is the thing that you think will make you happy, then there's lots you can do - start with small steps and see where it takes you.
     
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