I suddenly noticed the date and realised it's close to Christmas, New Years and starting a new year getting older and still being behind in life. I thought I'm a non-believer but I just found myself praying to God to take me in my sleep tonight or let me <mod edit - method> tomorrow. The only thing holding me back is the thought that my family have to deal with repatriating a body from abroad to them in my home country during covid will take longer than usual and it's getting closer to Christmas, a holiday I hate but they like and it wont be nice for them to have to deal with their child's body arriving home in a box close to Christmas. But I hate that I feel like my only way out is to end my life. I hate that my life has come to this point where I feel like this. I never expected this to happen.
I have tried three different therapists and a stay in a psych hospital and keep being told I look fine. I would like to look depressed and suicidal to be taken seriously but I dont know what that looks like. The only positive was being given pills for insomnia and those help me get through the dark moments like now: I take a pill and pass out for a few hours. I feel so frustrated and trapped. I used to be health conscious and avoid pills. I never knew my life would come to this and I hate it. I keep hoping it's just a phase and I'll snap out of it but it's been over a year.
I have tried three different therapists and a stay in a psych hospital and keep being told I look fine. I would like to look depressed and suicidal to be taken seriously but I dont know what that looks like. The only positive was being given pills for insomnia and those help me get through the dark moments like now: I take a pill and pass out for a few hours. I feel so frustrated and trapped. I used to be health conscious and avoid pills. I never knew my life would come to this and I hate it. I keep hoping it's just a phase and I'll snap out of it but it's been over a year.
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