Wish I weren't here

[AnonNK]

I suddenly noticed the date and realised it's close to Christmas, New Years and starting a new year getting older and still being behind in life. I thought I'm a non-believer but I just found myself praying to God to take me in my sleep tonight or let me <mod edit - method> tomorrow. The only thing holding me back is the thought that my family have to deal with repatriating a body from abroad to them in my home country during covid will take longer than usual and it's getting closer to Christmas, a holiday I hate but they like and it wont be nice for them to have to deal with their child's body arriving home in a box close to Christmas. But I hate that I feel like my only way out is to end my life. I hate that my life has come to this point where I feel like this. I never expected this to happen.
I have tried three different therapists and a stay in a psych hospital and keep being told I look fine. I would like to look depressed and suicidal to be taken seriously but I dont know what that looks like. The only positive was being given pills for insomnia and those help me get through the dark moments like now: I take a pill and pass out for a few hours. I feel so frustrated and trapped. I used to be health conscious and avoid pills. I never knew my life would come to this and I hate it. I keep hoping it's just a phase and I'll snap out of it but it's been over a year.

 

[Dark111]

I suddenly noticed the date and realised it's close to Christmas, New Years and starting a new year getting older and still being behind in life. I thought I'm a non-believer but I just found myself praying to God to take me in my sleep tonight or let me get hit by a car tomorrow. The only thing holding me back is the thought that my family have to deal with repatriating a body from abroad to them in my home country during covid will take longer than usual and it's getting closer to Christmas, a holiday I hate but they like and it wont be nice for them to have to deal with their child's body arriving home in a box close to Christmas. But I hate that I feel like my only way out is to end my life. I hate that my life has come to this point where I feel like this. I never expected this to happen.
I have tried three different therapists and a stay in a psych hospital and keep being told I look fine. I would like to look depressed and suicidal to be taken seriously but I dont know what that looks like. The only positive was being given pills for insomnia and those help me get through the dark moments like now: I take a pill and pass out for a few hours. I feel so frustrated and trapped. I used to be health conscious and avoid pills. I never knew my life would come to this and I hate it. I keep hoping it's just a phase and I'll snap out of it but it's been over a year.

I can understand what you mean, AnonNK.

I always thought of the two great dystopian novels - Brave new World by Aldous Huxley and 1984 by George Orwell - Brave new World hit a little bit closer to the mark in terms of what we're seeing today. Of course, Orwell nailed it on other aspects too but Brave New World is the description of a nightmare society where everybody is perfectly happy all the time. This is assured through destroying the free will of most of the population using genetic engineering and Pavlovian conditioning, keeping everybody entertained continuously with endless distractions, and offering a plentiful supply of the wonder drug Soma to keep people happy if all else fails. I'm actually rather hoping for this Soma drug to come to pass - in small doses it makes one happy, in higher doses one experiences visions and in really high doses one drifts off into blissful sleep. One can tolerate almost anything once given the right mind/mood altering substance.

But I digress, albeit only slightly. I was recently dropped by a therapist who claimed she couldn't help me and now I see a psychiatrist next week. I never expected to be in a situation where dark moods and alienation would become the main features of my life. I don't think it's something I'll just snap out of either. Keeping busy helps but only up to a point and sometimes a black mood will descend so suddenly it takes me by surprise. Tell me, when did things start to change for you, to take a darker turn? Was it one thing in particular or just life somehow getting away from you?

 

[Were all together]

Unfortunately, pills to help you sleep won't break you out of your darkness. Did any of your therapists diagnose you with anything?

 

[AnonNK]

I feel so low that even the Brave New World society appeals to me, even though my brain rationally knows it's an artificially 'trained' happy. As you wrote, "one can tolerate almost anything once given the right mind/mood altering substance" - oh, indeed!
Last year, everything went wrong (work, social life, relationship) and I fought on, insisting everything was going to be fine but things got worse and I crashed. I made a suicide attempt and ended up in a psych hospital. I couldn't believe my life had come to that. I've always been able to pull myself out of disappointments and things going wrong. Something good was always waiting for me around the corner after something bad. But suddenly, every door was closed and I gave up the fight. Sometimes I struggle to get through a week wondering if I will or won't kill myself at the weekend, and sometimes suicidal thoughts are at the back of my mind rather than at the front, like a backup plan instead of a strong urge. This week was the latter but suddenly tonight, I could <mod edit - method> if the chance came. But it makes me scared of myself. I never knew I could do this to myself.

The second therapist said I probably have depression. When I read up on it online and what separates depression from sadness, it does resonate with me but I probably have high functioning depression, hence being told I don't look depressed - and that further frustrates me that the outside and inside don't match but I feel like the only person in the world who knows that.
I know sleeping pills are not a proper solution but when I get scared of myself, I appreciate the pill to switch off everything. It's like pressing the 'off' button.

 

[AnonNK]

Something else that bothers me a lot: these poor people who pass away from Covid or accidentally end up at the scene of a terrorist attacks. Those poor people. And here I am, wanting to go and with good reason (lost friends after my attempt, estranged from family, don't have anyone left) and I can't switch places with those people. I don't understand why it's not me but them, and they are missed.

 

[Dark111]

I feel so low that even the Brave New World society appeals to me, even though my brain rationally knows it's an artificially 'trained' happy. As you wrote, "one can tolerate almost anything once given the right mind/mood altering substance" - oh, indeed!
Last year, everything went wrong (work, social life, relationship) and I fought on, insisting everything was going to be fine but things got worse and I crashed. I made a suicide attempt and ended up in a psych hospital. I couldn't believe my life had come to that. I've always been able to pull myself out of disappointments and things going wrong. Something good was always waiting for me around the corner after something bad. But suddenly, every door was closed and I gave up the fight. Sometimes I struggle to get through a week wondering if I will or won't kill myself at the weekend, and sometimes suicidal thoughts are at the back of my mind rather than at the front, like a backup plan instead of a strong urge. This week was the latter but suddenly tonight, I could jump out of the window of a high building if the chance came. But it makes me scared of myself. I never knew I could do this to myself.

The second therapist said I probably have depression. When I read up on it online and what separates depression from sadness, it does resonate with me but I probably have high functioning depression, hence being told I don't look depressed - and that further frustrates me that the outside and inside don't match but I feel like the only person in the world who knows that.
I know sleeping pills are not a proper solution but when I get scared of myself, I appreciate the pill to switch off everything. It's like pressing the 'off' button.

No wonder you're in such a dark place. You've been hit by several misfortunes within the same time frame. This can make life seem unbearably complicated. In fact, some therapists have said that many clients who come to see them is precisely for that reason. Not one but several things have gone wrong and so people suddenly find themselves thrown into all this chaos and everyday life becomes very complicated. What a good therapist should do is help you break this down into smaller, more manageable pieces and help you tackle one thing at a time. In the absence of that, is there any one thing you feel you could address yourself? Of course reach out for support wherever you can get it, even if it means coming here and using the forum as a sounding board.

 

[AnonNK]

I tried to tackle each one. I wrote out plans on how to in the worst case scenario and every door was closed. I didn't take the first no so I kept going, trying to find other ways around things. I was really knocked back that every single door was closed and that's when I gave up. I was exhausted and for nothing.
I like plans and writing things out, but none of the therapists did that. And that's another thing: it's exhausting to keep trying therapy. I gave each one a few months, a session a week. That's expensive and for nothing. To be told I look fine? I paid a lot of money to be told I don't look how I feel?
I suppose I'm also very tired of everything (being tired is ironic to say from someone addicted to sleeping pills)

 

[Dark111]

Something else that bothers me a lot: these poor people who pass away from Covid or accidentally end up at the scene of a terrorist attacks. Those poor people. And here I am, wanting to go and with good reason (lost friends after my attempt, estranged from family, don't have anyone left) and I can't switch places with those people. I don't understand why it's not me but them, and they are missed.

Death smiles at us all, eventually, AnonNK. Just at different times. I am sorry for your loss. That can't be easy at this time either.

 

[AnonNK]

Death smiles at us all, eventually, AnonNK. Just at different times. I am sorry for your loss. That can't be easy at this time either.

I'm actually pissed off that I'm healthy and everyone in my family lives longer than average!

And thank you, that's really sweet of you to say.

 

[Dark111]

I tried to tackle each one. I wrote out plans on how to in the worst case scenario and every door was closed. I didn't take the first no so I kept going, trying to find other ways around things. I was really knocked back that every single door was closed and that's when I gave up. I was exhausted and for nothing.
I like plans and writing things out, but none of the therapists did that. And that's another thing: it's exhausting to keep trying therapy. I gave each one a few months, a session a week. That's expensive and for nothing. To be told I look fine? I paid a lot of money to be told I don't look how I feel?
I suppose I'm also very tired of everything (being tired is ironic to say from someone addicted to sleeping pills)

That must be so frustrating. And yes, therapy is expensive and time consuming and no wonder you feel dejected by their lack lustre response to your suffering. I'm sorry you've had to go through that.

 

[AnonNK]

@Dark111 You said your therapist said she couldn't help you (I'm so pessimistic about therapy that I'm starting to wonder if it's secretly the easiest job in the world to get into because it seems to be very well paid and include little actual work). How did that feel?

 

[Dark111]

@Dark111 You said your therapist said she couldn't help you (I'm so pessimistic about therapy that I'm starting to wonder if it's secretly the easiest job in the world to get into because it seems to be very well paid and include little actual work). How did that feel?

I was actually half expecting it, tbh. I have ASPD which is not normally treated with standard client-centred therapy. I was referred to her by my doc to address some recent low moods I'd been experiencing. Her approach was to try to integrate the symptoms of my personality disorder with my 'black moods' but her attempts to engage me on an emotional level were largely unsuccessful. Having said that, my sister seen a therapist for depression a few years back and they worked very well together. To this day she credits him with helping her move forward. My point is, some can be lucky and find a therapist who is both competent and where both client and therapist establish a good rapport and some productive work can be done. But I do understand how demoralizing it can be trying therapist after therapist and getting nowhere.

When you say you laid out plans and every door was closed to you, can you give me an example or a few examples of what these are?