Wish my life would start moving forward.

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by ali-wali, Nov 4, 2010.

  1. ali-wali

    ali-wali Well-Known Member

    Everyday I take a step back. I'm 18 years old and haven't even got drunk yet, I know it sounds pathetic but i get so nervous n sweaty when ever i'm around people. My doctor told me to go to counselling and 8 months later my first appointment and the silly cow wouldn't talk, i had to make a conversation with myself while she sat there i've never felt that nervous, i felt like she was starring right into me im even getting sweaty thinking about it! god how pathetic. i lied to my mum n dad for 1 year by saying i was going counselling, i'd just walk about listening to my ipod it makes me feel soo happy, esp puddle of mudd she hates me song!!! Since my best friend died i've had nobody but I don't blame them i shut myself out and then wonder where my life and friends are. I work as a housekeeper in the hospital 12 hours a week, and get shit from everybody nurses and the ward sister treat me like shit of their shoe and one day i swear i'm just going to flip. The patients give me loooooads of grief about pathetic things and i finish the weekend feeling more and more unwanted. I had an abortion when i was 15 and took me a while to stop crying, my mum told me i wasn't ready and was too young the next day i was on my way to maree stopes. I often wonder how much of a crap mother i would of been had not had the abortion. but theirs also big parts of me that wish i knew if the baby was a boy or girl, blue or brown eyes or even green. I suppose it's karma. oh dear life ayyyye! xx
     
  2. Juliaa

    Juliaa Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry you lost your best friend & gone through an abortion :/ :hug:

    Are you still in counseling? How are you feeling right now?
    We're here for you.
     
  3. ali-wali

    ali-wali Well-Known Member

    No i stopped counselling after the first one, the lady put me off, she told me next time i go we'll draw a picture to help explain how I'm feeling. I practically ran home lol. And I'm feeling okay shit happens just gotta live with it best you can. How are you feeling? And thankyou, paul was a very close friend and life would be alot easier with him here, but i'm sure he's at peace now. xxx
     
  4. Juliaa

    Juliaa Well-Known Member

    Do you want to go and try and find a new one? Sometimes it takes a few bad therapists to find the right one.
    I'm okay, thanks for asking :hug:
     
  5. ali-wali

    ali-wali Well-Known Member

    Yeah I suppose, i just hate been around random people. Worth a try though thankyou for your advice x
     
  6. Juliaa

    Juliaa Well-Known Member

    Trust me, I hate therapists too. Especially how we're supposed to spill our souls to them, and I hate doing that, even just once. But I found a fantastic therapist after my first, not so good one.
    & Yes, it's worth a shot :)
     
  7. Daphna

    Daphna Well-Known Member

    Forgivness is the key in this situation. You must forgive yourself for your past actions. You were young and listened to your mother's guidance. I know that we are all forgiven of our tresspasses, and you wanna know why? Because we are mere babies in this world of ours. We grow and we learn and we make mistakes. I know you will never forget this issue, but it is important that you come to peace with it. The onyl way you can do that is to deal with it once and for all and forgive yourself and your mother for the past. I know it will be hard to do on your own, but blessedly we are never alone! :hug: I am here if you wanna chat...