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Wish people would understand...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Kupernikus, Jan 15, 2010.

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  1. Kupernikus

    Kupernikus Member

    I am in such pain right now and things only seem to get worse, even try as I might to bring things back to center course. I admitted myself to a hospital in June of this year - first time episodic MDD - and was there for 10 days and then about four weeks in a local PHP, then bacik to work. I came off my meds - lexa and seroquel first time this year taking ever - two months ago.. yeah right before the holidays. I joined support groups and got very involved int them, trying to help others, which I feel I do well but for some reason I cannot help myself or get out of my own way. Ironically, my most rewarding work is volunteering with a support hotline that is part of the National Suicide Network....

    And despite it all, despite what I've done (and supposedly accomplished.), I am on track to take my life. I am sick and tired of facing each day in pain - and says it will get better for me or that it's a temporary problem... go I hate that. Because I was reassigned in my work position and out for as long as I was, its put my family in a bad financial way, in addition to my wife and I being separated just this June and having to pay for two separate households. Try as I might to "win" her back, things always seem to pop up and hit me squarely between the eyes... I am tired of having a great day only to be steamrolled in the afternoon. And it's not about a woman, it's about family, and my guilt at putting them through things, that leads me to believe I could never go back, that she won't take me back anyways. Do you know how hard it is to know that all of your family - including your own biological children - are at your home celebrating the holidays and you're stuck alone in your apartment?

    I have revised my will again, and am completing my benefits page with work - and yes, my life iinsurance pays regardless of cause of death. I have a business trip planned early next month, and a clean and painless method, and I will not stand to see another Valentine's Day.... I cannot take it and I just wish peopple could understand... I hope people will understand.... the needs of the few outweigh the needs of the one.... Sorry for the rant, truly...
  2. morning rush

    morning rush Well-Known Member

    wow, I'm sorry your having a hard time...

    as for your children, dont you have a parental plan? Example having them over the weekend at your home? You could've had them over the holliday on one of them either new years or christmas?

    dont give up...all the people you've help and you might help in the future...they need you and I know that eventually all the good you're doing will come back to you...hang in there...and keep talking to us...we're listening :hug:
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I think maybe time to go back on your medication so as to help you regulate your moods and illness you need stablility and medication will give you that Start thinking of your children and the cycle of suicide that will be passed to them They don't deserve this pain either go get help get back on your meds.
  4. Kupernikus

    Kupernikus Member

    It's my oldest.. my daughter she's 26.... I had to go to her on Christmas morning because she's a GM at a hotel... but she was less than 4 miles from my apt and then at my wife's (mine still.. and her stepmom) home... my 24 year old son... texted him on Xmas and New Years.. nothing. All I have are my 17 year old and my 12 year old, who really keeps me hanging on....

    I don't want to go back on meds due to my job.. I just got my last appt with my psychiatrist and am going to be back in my reg position by month's end... I'm not in immediate danger at the moment, but things are just so up and down and my wife will not give me any indication she would ever get back together... the holdiays really derailed me in a big way.. but then my son comes over, like tonite, and everything seems great... talk about conflicted.
  5. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    There are meds you can take and still go to work that will keep you level. I am glad you son came and made you see just how impt you are to him. Please remember that okay and ask doctor abt different meds that can help you cope better Glad your feeling a little stronger.
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