wishes...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by total_edge, Jan 18, 2007.

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  1. total_edge

    total_edge Guest

    Havent been here for long time now, i hope everybody is ok here....
    Im not so good latelly, i was thinking suicide constantly, im still thinking it all day along, everytime same thinking , like something is pushing me to go and make a try to finish the torture :( . I can admit im used to pain (emotional and physical) , but still ....HOW long more? its not a matter of how miserable this life is...no, its not that, maybe that was a part of my self-destr behavior and of some suicide thinking, but this doesnt count anymore...
    I just wish something could kill me....i WISH i had enemies to put a pro contract killer to give me a hit in the head...in the past i was worried, i wanted to know when i was gonna die...i wanted to say something last to some people, but right now i feel so awful , like i cant take this anymore... im not selfish, but its clearly a matter of internal power and will for life, i think most here agree with this.
    The main problem is that i have to make a choice about my life....
    I can stay like this suffering and wishing to get dead, ok..., but i cant stay like now , and waiting to decide one road for my life from the main 2 choices, both choices about what im gonna do are lame, and of course they have some good things too on them....i kept letting it go , and thinking i ll think about it another time....i cant do this anymore...staying in the middle for so long is killing me slowly :( everybody is PUSHING me to the edge......
    MY HEAD..... HURTS some times from the PRESSURE....its AWFUL :sad:
    I really feel so awful i cant explain even though most people here know whats like to want to die....i care about my friends and people i dont wanna hurt anyone , i gathered much antidepressands and sleeping pills....i really dont know what is stopping me, i feel so bad, i WISH i could re-born in a health body from the start again..... [now what did i say....that wish must be the top in all wishes from the most people here , think how bad we feel.... and the world around doesnt really understand...].
    I just dont know what will keep me up these days.....or the rest
    i just gave a ....not so direct warning about what might happen to my people
    next days, i really am LAME , and PATHETIC, i know....im great at both :mellow:

    I dont wanna waste your time of course, i feel little better for writing these
    i hope you ll all be ok and happy and healthy of course :smile:

    my hugs to all of you there feeling low....a little or even suicidal

    ps:im really sorry i havent been to MSN for long time now....im thinking about it, and im still not coming...:(
     
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi and I am so sorry you having such a rough time...you are neither lame nor pathetic...just in pain and wanting it to stop...that is very reasonable...but stopping the pain, and stopping the person, as two very different things...please PM me if I can be there for you...you are very important to us and you ARE NOT alone...big hugs and plez stay safe...Jackie
     
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