Wishing for the courage to die...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Sol, Sep 22, 2007.

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  1. Sol

    Sol Member

    I'm trying to build up the courage to just do it. Things are about to start tumbling down soon ...

    I'm a 25 year old male, I live in downtown Chicago. I'm in my last year of law school and I have had a job for a fortune 500 company for over a year. I'm all set to live a normal life, which is a nightmare to me.

    I've never been in sync with the world. I very much dislike the light. My body cries for me to sleep all day, and I feel normal only by being up when the sun is down. No matter what, no matter how long the routine, waking up in the morning is a horribly painful and depressing experience for me.

    I don't want any part in being "normal." I hate normal conversations, I don't want to be around normal people. I hate going to work in an office and having to live by the standards of people who think and act based on how they feel they should in society.

    I can't bear the thought of living normally. Really what I've always needed is money. Money so I can be free and live on my own terms. If that were possible I would not be the least bit depressed, and would actually become naturally productive. I'm the kind of person who doesn't go to a single law school class for the whole semester, reads the book for a couple hours before the final, and gets an A or B, whereas everyone else studied for 50 hours a week to get the same result. I have no desire to use my talents for a company, or to do a normal job. I actually have grown to hate using my intellect for anything. I just want to be left alone to read and enjoy different kinds of art and media. Eventually I would like to return my own creations to the artistic world.

    I know none of that is possible. I'm not going to magically win any money or anything. I have no future at all. My only future is death, because there is no way I can walk this path.

    I've at least started the process. I started doing heroin, and I'm exhausting every possible credit card and loan to buy and do as much as I can. I'm already financially ruined basically, it's just I have some lag time before the destruction hits. I've read a lot of people here want to kill themselves for being unattractive or not having girlfriends. I have the opposite problem really. One of the few bits of pleasure I get is looking at my otherwise beautiful body covered in bruises and broken blood vessels from shooting heroin.

    I like sitting in the middle of the night in the cold and dark, listening to house, drum and bass, or other kinds of weird music, and just completely indulging in heroin. Looking at my pale skin and dark circles under my eyes, my body which has a nice shape but with pale skin covered in extremely damaging marks.

    As you can probably tell I'm pretty far gone. I already have my suicide song picked out - "Come Sweet Death" (if any of you are familiar with Neon Genesis Evangelion, it's the song in the End of Evangelion). I really just wish I could get the courage or read something to finally push me over the edge. I have a loaded gun which I sleep with, but along with my narcissism comes the fact that I don't want to destroy my pretty face or do anything violent. I wish I could just overdose on heroin, but it would probably take like $1,000's worth because my tolerance is so high; actually it's probably not feasible.

    This is a very interesting place. The funny thing is I bet if you matched up the people here, about half wouldn't want to die after meeting someone. Unfortunately I'm not in that half though; my life is going to come tumbling down very shortly now, and I'd rather not be around for it. Just need the courage.
  2. pit

    pit Well-Known Member

    I can relate to what you're saying. I'm pursuing a professional career myself.

    I'm near my last level of court reporting school.

    The reason I chose this profession is so I can just sit down at my machine and type. It's pretty simple. You do your own work and are left alone.

    I'm trying to get to the 225 word per minute level. This is the hardest thing I've ever done in my life.

    I wish I could say I have solid support, but I don't. My family is dead. I have no good friends, just a few acquantances. I have trouble maintaining romantic relationships with women. I go for days without talking to a single human being.

    I'm hoping this career I'm setting up for myself will enable me to just be me at work, and to have a personal life as well. Yes, I'm prepared for the hard work and sacrifice. After all, I worked so hard to get it.

    Currently I'm looking for part time jobs to get me through this last level, but there are none out there. I fill out applications, but no one calls me.

    To get to the point: Half of me wants to live, and half of me wants to die. The isolation and the rejection drive me crazy. The struggling and the bills are frustrating. I do want to throw my hands in the air and say, if I'm homeless, fuck it.

    I wish 100% of me wanted to die. It would be so much easier.
  3. Cestmoi

    Cestmoi Well-Known Member

    You know I 've always believed the results matters.

    If you 're as intelligent as you fancy yourself and if all you really want is to be on your own enjoying art, books and media, then you should be capable of doing it. Quit bothering about what you 're supposed to do; pave your own way.
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