I'm trying to build up the courage to just do it. Things are about to start tumbling down soon ... I'm a 25 year old male, I live in downtown Chicago. I'm in my last year of law school and I have had a job for a fortune 500 company for over a year. I'm all set to live a normal life, which is a nightmare to me. I've never been in sync with the world. I very much dislike the light. My body cries for me to sleep all day, and I feel normal only by being up when the sun is down. No matter what, no matter how long the routine, waking up in the morning is a horribly painful and depressing experience for me. I don't want any part in being "normal." I hate normal conversations, I don't want to be around normal people. I hate going to work in an office and having to live by the standards of people who think and act based on how they feel they should in society. I can't bear the thought of living normally. Really what I've always needed is money. Money so I can be free and live on my own terms. If that were possible I would not be the least bit depressed, and would actually become naturally productive. I'm the kind of person who doesn't go to a single law school class for the whole semester, reads the book for a couple hours before the final, and gets an A or B, whereas everyone else studied for 50 hours a week to get the same result. I have no desire to use my talents for a company, or to do a normal job. I actually have grown to hate using my intellect for anything. I just want to be left alone to read and enjoy different kinds of art and media. Eventually I would like to return my own creations to the artistic world. I know none of that is possible. I'm not going to magically win any money or anything. I have no future at all. My only future is death, because there is no way I can walk this path. I've at least started the process. I started doing heroin, and I'm exhausting every possible credit card and loan to buy and do as much as I can. I'm already financially ruined basically, it's just I have some lag time before the destruction hits. I've read a lot of people here want to kill themselves for being unattractive or not having girlfriends. I have the opposite problem really. One of the few bits of pleasure I get is looking at my otherwise beautiful body covered in bruises and broken blood vessels from shooting heroin. I like sitting in the middle of the night in the cold and dark, listening to house, drum and bass, or other kinds of weird music, and just completely indulging in heroin. Looking at my pale skin and dark circles under my eyes, my body which has a nice shape but with pale skin covered in extremely damaging marks. As you can probably tell I'm pretty far gone. I already have my suicide song picked out - "Come Sweet Death" (if any of you are familiar with Neon Genesis Evangelion, it's the song in the End of Evangelion). I really just wish I could get the courage or read something to finally push me over the edge. I have a loaded gun which I sleep with, but along with my narcissism comes the fact that I don't want to destroy my pretty face or do anything violent. I wish I could just overdose on heroin, but it would probably take like $1,000's worth because my tolerance is so high; actually it's probably not feasible. This is a very interesting place. The funny thing is I bet if you matched up the people here, about half wouldn't want to die after meeting someone. Unfortunately I'm not in that half though; my life is going to come tumbling down very shortly now, and I'd rather not be around for it. Just need the courage.