Wishing I had the guts to do it

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by GordonGecko, Feb 23, 2009.

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  1. GordonGecko

    GordonGecko New Member

    I'm so sick and tired of living, for many reasons which I will try to sum up. I have suffered from depression and social phobia for many years, I'm 24 now and I don't have a single friend, I spend all my time alone and I go days at a time without saying a single word to anyone. I'm at university and everyone else seems to (and says they are) having a great time but I'm just hopeless about everything.

    I have many problems trying to interact with people, I'm very weird looking which puts people off and because I'm a loner I can't meet people through existing friends. I'm so boring because I have never done anything worthwhile in my life, I'm always alone and just shut myself away from the world. I have nothing to talk about.

    Being so isolated is killing me inside, I long for another person to talk to, someone who I can connect with. I have never had a girlfriend and have pretty much given up years ago because I'm so damn ugly and boring/unconfident. I wish I knew what it was like to hold someone's hand at least, just thinking about how desperately lonely and pathetic I am makes me want to cry.

    I have felt suicidal many time before and the closest I got was planning to jump off a bridge a few miles away but someone I spoke to online made me change my mind and go to the hospital instead. I'm not hopeful of change any more though, I can't cope with life being alone all the time. Nothing gives me any happiness, I wish I was never born. I hate myself and everything about me. I can't stand how disgusting I look, how boring and what a complete loser I am, I deserve to die.

    On Friday night I walked to the bridge but they have put a tall barrier up now so you can't climb over the side :sad: I have done so much planning and thinking about this that I have another method prepared deleted in case its not allowed to be discussed

    Sorry for ranting, I just need to get it out
  2. Crue-K

    Crue-K Well-Known Member

    First and foremost, I don't either talk people out of killing themselves or encouage them. It is your choice alone.

    I don't think you 'deserve to die', that category applies only to sick and nasty bastards. Yo do however have a choice whether to die or not. Being ugly is not a good enough reason at all. To feel a loner is not unusual, i'm 36 and have felt a loner all my life, even during the time of my 12 year marriage, and until recently a highly successful career.

    Before you do anything, just give it a chance by speaking to your local mental health team. Suicide is a permanent solution to a potentially temporary problem. Just because you feel so low, awkward, lonely etc, it doesn't mean you want to die, you just want to feel better.
  3. endlessskies58

    endlessskies58 Well-Known Member

    oh love, please don't feel this way. :(

    i think society has wired into our heads what is expected of us and that if we aren't socially the center of attention then we should feel like we are worthless. but in all truth, the greatest minds alive were loners. they valued knowledge instead of what someone else thought about them. albert einstein was a huge loner and look at what he did for humanity.

    i know i LOVE being alone. its when i'm my most creative. and like you i used to be embarrassingly shy. but then i started just accepting who i was and what i liked and if someone else didn't like it then that is their problem. sometimes personalities just don't mesh and if they don't then move on and find one that does work.

    maybe you should kick it around the art vicinity of your university. haha, i am an art major and we are so friendly and open minded. perhaps you are just looking for friendship in the wrong places. besides you have us too at sf. :D

    and believe me, NO ONE is ugly. its all about hygiene and how you present yourself. i used to be considered 'ugly' when i was very depressed because i didn't take care of myself or my image and i was too insecure to wear some clothes that would look good. but then i came out of it and i take really good care of myself and i have even had strangers tell me i should be a model or that i am gorgeous. and i do not have perfect skin or teeth or a perfect body. so not as many people are as superficial as you think. :)

    there is no perfect way to look. believe me i know, i have to study the human form to know how to draw it right. the beauty is that everyone looks different. you just have to know what your strong points are and flaunt them. everyone has something that another person wishes they had and so do you love.

    i hope you feel better. i send my love! :arms:

  4. middleofnowhere

    middleofnowhere Well-Known Member

    In the middle of huge crowds, I'm lonely. When I lived in San Francisco, I was lonely. I stay home all the time except for church and doctor appointments.

    I'm married and have 2 kids, but I've always felt very inferior with my body and my looks. Have you tried a beginning weight training class? I did for a year, and it really helped me feel better about myself as I watched my progress. I was skinny and lifted to gain weight. Not most people's reason for working out.

    One other thing that has helped me is finding someone who would cut my hair the way I want it. I had the old business man look until a couple of years ago, but with a more updated style that's easy to take care of, I feel more confident in my appearance. Take care of yourself, skies.

  5. Longshot

    Longshot Active Member


    Uni can be tough if you're not socially adaptive... There's usually a certain sense of unity within each faculty, and it seems to be expected that everyone become part of that unity. I'm not part of mine, and I accept and live with that. Instead, I have 5 good friends, that are those I talk to when I'm at uni.

    I know how it feels to be socially awkward. I have had the fortunate luck to once been cast into a situation and community where being social was not a "choice" that was up to me. That game me very close friends, and has helped me in many ways, since I can rely on them to "help me" adapt to new social areas. I get my new friends trough them, with an exception... At uni, there will always be other loners. There will also be the people that are really interested in getting everyone "into" the group. My suggestion to you is that you keep eyes and ears open. You are at an age in your life, where people shouldn't be acting like jerks anymore. Most are probably very interested in getting to know you, they just see your attitude as if you want to be left alone. I'm not saying that there's anything wrong with you, but I know that's how I sometimes seem to others. I've sometimes talked to someone, that will suddenly say: "you know, I really thought you disiked me..." because I am shy and have been avoiding them.

    I can give you very little advice, and what I can give will not be easy. But try and put yourself in situations where you'll participate on a group basis... I'm not just talking assignments that would put you in contact with others for purely studious reasons, but you must have some kind of socializing groups... Film-clubs, the like... If you hang around people long enough, someone WILL engage you in conversation. Even better, you might engage THEM. Both things will require courage... If you are anything like me, it will be awkward, and you'll feel foolish and have no idea what to say. But stick at it... Sometimes you can get to know people, even through superficial smalltalk. Also, you can get a long way by taking on the right attitude. You have to get out of the mindset that you are "weird looking". You want friends? Then realize that you are actually an interesting person! You have done nothing special? Well, few people really have. They just make the most of what they have experienced - sometimes it can seem like everyone has done everything, but if you look closer, people are just talking about everyday stuff, most of the time. You don't need to be Indiana Jones to be interesting. You ARE interesting, because you are a human being. Realize this, and you will have gone a long way. Easier said than done, of course, but you can do it.

    No man is an island. You can make friends. You've just taken a wrong approach. I hope I've made sense :) And remember: Rome wasn
    t build in one day. Some will make superficial friends on the very day they start uni - other's are slower. But I think what you really need to start asuming, is that people would actually like to talk to you, and get to know you.
    I hope you can utilize this. And I really hope you will not take the permanent "solution" here.

    - Nicolai

    EDIT: Oh, and remember, you're NEVER alone. That is why this community is here: We are there for eachother. I am there for you, if you need it. I'll be more than happy to talk to you via PM or MSN if you want to.
  6. mdmefontaine

    mdmefontaine Antiquities Friend

    hey.. i am feeling your pain in what you wrote. . . . and i want to say to you - true beauty does come from the SOUL. not from our exterior.

    we age, minute by minute, degrading (rotting...to be honest) from the moment we are born.

    i am old my dear, and still screwed up. . . but having gained some wisdom and insight. . . and what one of the most important things i have learned is - that there is ALWAYS someone . .. to love . and to love you. and there are enlightened individuals. . who do love from the soul. .....

    and just the few words you wrote, i instantly see you are deep, intelligent, and soulful. please lean on us when you need strong shoulders. . . and stay. and give yourself a chance to have a great love in your life (not only romantic love) because your soul is quite lovely, and it will meet others....if you stay here. . .
    pm if you need or want to talk. i care about you . xx
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