Wishing to care is not enough

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by OCDNihilism, Aug 12, 2016.

  1. OCDNihilism

    OCDNihilism Well-Known Member

    I move through life wishing that I could care, caring for that wish. I am wishing I could "care" about the fact that I am here on this forum sharing the empty shell of a person I became. A shell that might have become evolved enough to display and morphing to appear to be things I once was, but doesn't matter how beautiful you try to be from the outside, I will always be opened one day, and I will show to you that I am a rotten tissue ready to desintegrate on a perpetual sea of change, or life..

    I prefer to talk in metaphors. They are like a new mirror in my shell. I can't access my real contents, so I can't be connectes to them as I am proud of my shell, even when it reflects nothing or almost gets translucid enough for me to show you my insides, like now...

    I wish I could care not as a Shell. I wished some maid would come and take me with her. Healing might be possible in her fantastical hands, but even the Fantastic feels so fake and inaccessible to a soul without ambition. I lost my values, I lost myself. I can't guide myself, even if I was on the right path I wouldn't know it.

    I am Criptic. Feeling like a charade is the best I can hope for. It's still lyric enough from time to time.

    If it didn't made sense I don't mind, I would actually like that I could lose my mind, so it can drift way in nightmares like on my dreams, because life is much worse awaken..
     
  2. Jenumbra

    Jenumbra SF Supporter

    I'm not sure how to help you, for myself I often feel like my emotional experience is very pale compared to other people's but I have a lot of intellectual interests that keep me going and and I guess enough emotional feeling to get me through. What keeps you going? Do you enjoy writing? You truly do have a lovely poetic way of writing, just to let you know.
     
  3. OCDNihilism

    OCDNihilism Well-Known Member

    Hello. Thank you for the message, even if I always feel that when a official supporter of this forum it is because they "have to". It's different, like seeing a doctor or something that only hears you because it's his job, but I know it isn't always like that.. So, sorry for breaking this down to a point that I almost offend you :).

    You can't help me, I guess. I know I will never be able to heal somethings inside me. I am in a bad mood today, so the blood is flowing from those scars that never heal, they just don't bother me sometimes and others they just close for some time. I am not special, nothing I write I feel as special. I am just so many others out there.

    It's a funny thing, I know that there is a section for thrauma support, but I never even considered myself to come there. I probably repress it, maybe my relativist views have made it almost non impactant, but I have been abused as a child by a cousin of mine. Why am I telling you this? I don't know if you can connect to my suffering or you feel pity for me, but I feel like a monster when I read peoples story here that have suffered abuse like that and I can't feel shit.. I could even describe to you I have been abused, but telling you that would not be suitable here I think. First time I ever tell this to someone. I have other situation I don't think it is necessary to reveal. I guess that I am more fucked up then I admit to myself. I don't wish to discharge my sufferings in the world, but I am in a bad place emotionally.

    About writing.. I don't enjoy writing, because I know my shortcomings when it comes to vocabullary, I have a disordered mind that makes it hard to do whatever it is in life. I have phases but I have felt very fragile intelectually for most of my lifetime, something that is what I consider the worst in my existence. I have had to abdicate from persuing a musical carrer, one of my biggest dreams. I now live as "animal". I feed my body to grow stronger, so that I became rustic in mind and body, for no confusions about who I can be..

    I am sorry for the acid way I might have written somethings, I still like to be gentle with other people and feels like I am almost making you go through something you shouldn't.

    Thank you for the compliment and your attention. Have a good day doing whatever you do.
     
  4. SinisterKid

    SinisterKid Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Official supporter or not, what we do we do through choice, not obligation. We could just ignore you, but that would defeat the object of the exercise. We are here, SF is here to offer help and support to anyone who shows a need for it. We endeavour to "be there" for someone when they are at their most vulnerable. Its not always easy, but the same can be said for life. So please, dont ever think we reply out of pity for someone or because we "have to" its just not like that. We do it because we can.

    It is difficult when someone speaks in metaphors to fully understand what it is they are trying to say. Theres a certain amount of reading between the lines that needs to be done and that can be dangerous online when dealing with issues as serious as mental health and suicide. So it would help us to help you if we were able to better understand what is going on in your life.

    I was abused as a child by a relative as well and the real sick thing is, I enjoyed it. Its made me doubt my own sexuality my whole life and there are scars, but it is something I learnt to live with. I have posted about it here at SF. You have to understand that you are not alone here, other people share your experiences and your pain. You can learn from them as they can learn from you. You can change things in your life, you have that power, but you have to want that change before it can happen.
     
  5. OCDNihilism

    OCDNihilism Well-Known Member

    I have many other posts where I reveal more of my personal life and particular issues. I just end up always expressing myself in vague poetic ways... A tendency that comes from my lack of self importance about some of my problems that I prefer to write it in a less personal way.
     
  6. SinisterKid

    SinisterKid Safety & Support SF Supporter

    I am in the unfortunate position where I view most things as trivial right now, so I tend to joke about them. You get poetic, I get jovial, horses for courses as they say in the UK. Even my own issues appear trivial. But I am also acutely aware that it is the depression making me think in those terms. But it doesn't make the job of offering me support very easy for anyone when all I do is make a joke about it or tell someone I am not really interested because its trivial.

    So I say, I am OKAY thnx. Anyone asks, I am OKAY thnx. That is the solution to that problem.

    Yes, I get where you are at, I fully understand. Just dont expect support from all quarters when they dont fully understand what they are trying to offer support for, that is unfair to those who try.
     
  7. OCDNihilism

    OCDNihilism Well-Known Member

    Oh, I understand you perfectly.. Even when I write poetically I feel as almost an urge to joke around. Is a way to play with my problems too, but in the same way I give them more meaning through it, because of the nature of what poetry represents to almost all of us.

    I feel trivial too. I have been more irritated then feeling like joking around about it, depending on the person. If it's my mother I can get real angry, but I don't want to talk about that. It's simmilar to others situations, where some parents are just incapable of understanding you, even after you made your best not to avoid anything that is wrong with you. Let's say that morality and vanity are two things that go and hand in hand, and my mother is like that very much...

    Well, thank you for the replys and have a good day. I have a weekend and Monday of work ahead of me..
     
  8. Jenumbra

    Jenumbra SF Supporter

    @OCDNihilism lol I'm not offended. Being an SF Supporter means I donated money to the site, it doesn't obligate me to do anything. No one here is paid, they're here voluntarily. Thank you for sharing your story. Maybe not feeling anything is a coping mechanism to deal with the painful experiences in your life. Have you tried speaking with a therapist? We try to provide support for people here but a professional has training and could help you work through the things bothering you.

    @SinisterKid good to have you on the site supporting people. :)