With a gun in your mouth...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Ahrimar, Feb 25, 2008.

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  1. Ahrimar

    Ahrimar Well-Known Member

    You can only speak in vowels.

    You see, i've been to every end in life. I've been the richest kid on the block, ive been the bottom of the barrel.

    I've been that homeless kid you see on the street, asking you for change because he has to eat. What kind of person do you think you would be if you were homeless, living on the street with no friends, no money, looking for a new bush or alley to sleep in every night? I've been there.

    I've been to the top too, hanging out with celebrities, Korn, System of A Down, Jared Leto, Lindsey Lohan and i've gotten drunk with Paris fucking Hilton. I've been everywhere. I've told Johnathan Davis that hes a fucking bitch for stealing my last cigarette, I've sparred with Silvester Stalone, and I've been a camera man on a porn shoot.

    And now still... I sit here, staring at that one sixshooter revolver. And i wonder.... After doing everything, what is there left?

    Everybody i know treats me as a tool. I'm just the guy that will go pick them up and take em somewhere, buy them a pack of cigarettes, get booze. I am the guy they use when they need a rebound boyfriend, i am the one they use when they want to see how much they can emotionally fuck up....

    This girl, tells me shes madly in love with me, and then starts going out with some random fucking moron, whos got a kid with his other girlfriend. How much do you think it fucks with one when youve been told for months now that youre the only one for somebody, that you are all that their heart desires, and that happens.

    And when your best friend trades you in for some random slut he met. Doesnt even bother to call you even once in a while just to say whats up, and the only person that has any interest in is the guy that you have the most problems with? How is that possible?

    Shit... Me and sean have so many problems, hes slept with a girl i really like, hes tried to sleep with a girl i was dating at the time, i broke him up with his kids mom, i made them hate each other. Hes gone to jail because of me, i've gone to jail because of him. He beat the shit out of me, i've blown up his car. He's tried to shoot me and i've robbed him dry, and yet, hes the only one thats called me in the last month to say whats up, we should hang out, grab lunch.

    Yeah, i hung out with him, just because hes my worst enemy, i keep him close, not as close as friends. I hate his guts and he hates mine. We lie to each other constantly.

    One gun, one bullet. Why is it that something like the squeeze of a trigger sounds like the greatest symphony i would ever hear in my entire life?
  2. Viskar

    Viskar Member

    I can't speak for others, but I'm here for support. Not to convince you not to do it. Obviously you don't want to do it, other-wise you wouldn't have come here.

    Your post sounds more like a dream state, then reality.

    Maybe the girlfriend left you for the guy with a kid, because of your mouth?
    My support isn't a kind one, it's more of a blunt force. Sometimes the only way to get rid of one 'pain' is to feel another.
  3. almosteasy

    almosteasy Well-Known Member

    There’s some questions you need to ask your self.

    What do you want out of life?

    What makes you happy? (not what makes you feel good, cuz sex feels good but real happiness)

    Are you sure that you even know what truly makes you happy?

    What have you been doing to achieve what makes you happy?

    From what you wrote I can see that if you answer these questions honestly, you will see that you haven’t been really doing what you need to be happy. Or that you still dont really know what makes you happy.

    A meaningless existence can make someone suicidal. You seem to not have any true meaning in your life at the moment.
  4. Ahrimar

    Ahrimar Well-Known Member

    To answer everything, because i think i can:

    The thing about the girl is: I dont think she left me cause of my mouth. I never show my true asshole self to anyone because i know it will put them off. No, its because she is irrational and jumps at every conclusion she can, meets some new random guy and just opts to do shit with him to piss everyone off.

    "What do you want out of life?"
    What do i want? I want to drive in the Formula D series. Drifting. The only thing in life i havent conquered all the way, and Formula D is the place where the best gather.

    "What makes you happy? (not what makes you feel good, cuz sex feels good but real happiness)"
    Like i said, drifting. Ultimate controll when you don't have controll.

    "Are you sure that you even know what truly makes you happy?"
    Yes, i do.

    "What have you been doing to achieve what makes you happy?"
    Not much, i lost my license.

    The thing is, i really do know what makes me happy. But i cant do it right now, or for a while. My Drift car, a Mazda RX-7 is burried in 4 feet of snow, the clutch is slipping from driving too hard, the hood wont close anymore because i rolled it. But the thing is.

    Everyone wants to feel like they are in controll... And how do you acomplish that? For everyone, theres different ways, for me, i say i drift. Nothing tells you that youre in controll more than when youre doing 65 miles an hour sideways through a turn and making it.

    I dont know, i might not really want to die, but i might want to. Thats the thing, You never really know unless youve went through with it, and with death, there is no going back if you realise you didnt want to do it after its done.

    BOLIAO Guest

    with a gun in my mouth, i think i would pull the trigger. damn thing is i can't get a gun in my country.
  6. HOW

    HOW Well-Known Member

    To me it sounds like you need to start controlling your own life. Get a job, get a new bunch of friends and a regulated daily routine. If I were you I would move away from where you currently live and try to start a new life, forget the past and build yourself up from the beginning. Hobbies are a great way of getting new friends and forgetting your problems.

    Unless you try all things then suicide is not the answer. Keep strong and keep safe.
  7. almosteasy

    almosteasy Well-Known Member

    There you go bro. You’re not sure if you want to die. That’s the first step to putting your life back together. The guy above me (HOW) made some excellent suggestions on what you can do to achieve that.

    And since you said that drifting makes you feel good, slowly work your way towards achieving that. But remember that this is not a quick process. Give yourself 3-4 years to get yourself together. Good luck!
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