So I'm spose to chill with my friends this weekend... like every other weekend.. but I had to make some excuse about why I could'nt do it. They would know something was wrong if they saw me.. I can't appear happy this week, maybe for weeks to come. I don't know how I can keep making excuses about not being able to see them. Times are tough, and although I am relieved to have been let go from my Job two days ago, I am worried that I won't be able to find another one. Actually, its more like i'm not motivated enough.. I don't know what i will be happy doing. Well, i'd be happy to apply for some job that i think i would like, but what i want to apply for isn't available to me here and would require me to move to a different state where i have no friends or family for support or if i have the resources to move there. Really hard for me to appear happy these last few weeks. I don't know what the hell is the matter with me. I think maybe the winter is having an effect, i always get this way during the winter. Don't know why i've always told people that I was a winter person and that i love the snow. I am someone who has learned to really try and see the positive side of things. But no matter how happy or motivated I try to appear, somewhere, depression is constantly eating at me. My depression started during freshman college, maybe some high school. But college is where it broke me the most. I don't know where I got my depression from. My family isn't so lackluster. My friends are normal hardworking people. I use to think maybe i was depressed because i was a stupid kid. But it just followed me indefinitely. It must be a disorder. It seems impossible to me to not feel any normalcy after 9'ish years. I called the psychiatrist today, but was told to call back tomorrow, so thats a step to self-improvement, i hope. But I kind of doubt that i will find any cure. When it comes down to it, I must really help myself. But even I can't see the light in the abyss.