without friends

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by Ivan Bezdruzyei, Jul 12, 2016.

  1. Hi, my name is Ivan Bezdruzyei (it means "without friends" in Russian).
    I haven't had any friends in 7 years, and even then it was just one. Now, it feels like even if I told her I was going to end it all, she wouldn't respond right away. FWIW, I'm not going to. I'm just using that as an example of how isolated I am. Even my family basically ignores me. Considering that families should to have unconditional love, my situation is pretty bleak.
    Once I thought/hoped this was just a phase, but seven years in utter isolation is too much for anyone to bear, let alone someone already dealing with severe depression. It also doesn't help that being unemployed, I pretty much only leave house to do shopping.
    I only came on here out of boredom. I'm sure everyone else here has their own garbage to sort through without concerning themselves over mine.
     
  2. Huw

    Huw Well-Known Member

    Greetings Ivan B,

    I read your thoughts with interest, because I have many acquaintances, but no true friends. I am a friend to many people, but there is no reflection of that friendship that I perceive. This makes me question the quality of the friendship that I offer. I have some thoughts and have reached some conclusions about myself. I'd be interested in reading yours.

    Do you consider yourself to be a good friend towards others?
    What do you perceive friendship to mean and what benefits would you expect others to receive from any friendship you would offer and freely give?

    Hope you enjoy here and thanks for the food for thought you have given me.

    Maybe this is a seed of friendship...?

    H.
     
  3. Well, clearly I wasn't good friend since the friendships I had in past lasted six years max or less. It could be that due to my once tiny (now nonexistent) social circle, I needed more from people than they were willing to give. This could explain why, when friendships were dying, it was always me that had to initiate any conversation. Or maybe I'm just boring. No one really says why they don't want to be friends anymore, they just start ignoring you like cheap piece of trash.
    At very least, friendship should involve regular two-way conversation. At this point, asking for anything else seems gluttonous on my part.
     
  4. I also wish I didn't feel need to announce my occasional departures from anti-social media all the time. But if I don't, no one will notice that I'm not there. If they even cared.
     
  5. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi there @Ivan Bezdruzyei I also have no friends really, haven't had proper friends since I was about 14, I'm 27 now. It bothers me some days like when I want to go to the cinema or shopping and have no one to go with that's because I am an introvert. Have you tried meetup.com ? I have heard great things about it. Just be yourself and try and go places where you're likely to initiate a conversation with someone. You seem like a nice person, maybe you just need a little more confidence in yourself? Get yourself out there :)
     
  6. I just dropped three anti-social medias, but pain is still intense. Also, I must to stop talking to myself. That conversation goes nowhere.
     
  7. Huw

    Huw Well-Known Member

    When shopping for a laptop about 14 years ago I was appalled by the lack of product knowledge that was shown by a sales assistant. I needed the laptop as I had just embarked on a new profession and saw the need for an upto date piece of kit. As I walked away, bemoaning her lack of product knowledge, that quiet voice within asked me about my product knowledge. Although I don't have a product as such, but I offer legal services, I got the message.
    I went home and began to spend more time studying my particular branch of law so that nobody would bemoan my lack of knowledge in this field.

    I would suggest that you begin a study into what the root meaning of friendship is. Gain the product knowledge. How to plant the seeds, water and tend the plant so that it brings forth sweet fruit and not bitter. Become a husbandman of friendship. So many people use words today without having a clue as to what the words mean and therefore what it is they are trying to convey or what to expect in reply.

    I eventually bought a laptop from a different shop. I started using social media and discovered that I was getting a few friendship requests from complete strangers. Within a short period of time I realised that these people wanted something, but it certainly wasn't friendship.
    I put up a header notice on my page that said, "Before sending me a friend request please do a study on the meaning of friendship. If you then feel that you would like to commit yourself to this two way responsibility please, by all means, send the request".
    Since that day 14 years ago I have not received a single friend request on YouTube. I'd like to be able to say that I separated the wheat from the chaff, but it was all chaff.

    Enjoy, H.
     
  8. I'm not interested in what few meetup groups exist here. Anyway, people still don't talk to me whether I'm proactive or not.
     
  9. Huw

    Huw Well-Known Member

    I'm talking to you.
     
  10. Hopefully I can at least die in my dreams again. Both times that happened before were calming.
     
  11. Huw

    Huw Well-Known Member

    As a child when having watched a cowboy or Tarzan survive a fall into quicksand. I would lay awake wondering how long I would last. I would hold my breath as long as possible to see how long it would be before I died, but I never died.
     
  12. DadzTruk

    DadzTruk Member

    Ivan,

    I hate you are having a tough time making friends. Most of us have plenty of acquaintances, but very few true friends. What do you enjoy doing? Whatever that is, go to where there are other people enjoying the same thing. Don’t try too hard. Just begin talking with them. You don’t have to leave with 10 friends that day for it to be a success. A 5 minute conversation with someone is progress.

    Talk about what they want to talk about for a while. Even if you show up at this “place” 10 times without what you feel is a lot of success, be persistent in your attendance. Make the conversation about them for a while or the subject matter. Let them be the one to initiate questions about you.

    Also, I don’t know what has caused your unemployment situation, but if you are physically able to work, find a job doing anything. Part-time, low paying, no fun or whatever. Get yourself out of your house. When a mind / body sits physically idle or uninvolved in tasks, it begins to turn too inward in its focus. All of us can fall prey to that. That’s when negative thoughts begin to snowball and we begin detaching from society. We are wired to be motivated by accomplishments. I had a friend who became very depressed during unemployment and his thoughts really began to get the best of him. Once he found a job, even though it wasn’t what he wanted to do and was overqualified for, it re-connected him to society and he began making friends on the job with the people he shared 8 hours per day with.

    I just want to encourage you to not lose hope. There is hope for all of us as long as we are still breathing. Praying that hope will begin to awaken in you.
     
    Freya and Jenumbra like this.
  13. 621

    621 Member

    Ivan... I never thought I'd find someone who feels the same way I do. And eerily enough, almost the same circumstances I went through, at least from what I've read of your posts so far. The main difference I can point out from our situation, is family. Mine got tired from caring I think. I'm not sure whether they still genuinely care, since I put up a wall of absolute silence between us, because if I don't, then all we do is misunderstand each other. And I'm just sick of all the drama that results from it. And maybe I just don't want to try anymore.

    I never really had friends-- plural, just one best friend who I eventually lost contact with after he graduated high school (one year ahead of me), and the rest were acquaintances. Thinking back on it, I wish I made more effort on making friends. I wish I had been more compassionate and cared for people more, got to know them better instead of flipping through the high school yearbook, searching for possible friends and going, "Nope... nope... too cocky... too girly... bully, go crawl into a bush and make love to yourself." Because now, I'm just miserable and lonely.

    After 4 years of isolation, my parents finally decided to send me to a mental institution. It was there that I finally realized how starved I was for interaction, for companionship. But then after just a couple of weeks, my parents suddenly changed their mind and took me out, something about it being too expensive?

    They gave me a PC, and two-and-a-half years later, here I am, thinking about how I miss talking to the people I last met. They may have been institutionalized for reasons I never truly found out, but I loved spending time with them. We treated each other like normal people, unlike my parents who were eyeing me like a dangerous rabid dog the day they sent me to the institution. I especially miss this one foreign girl who I got close to the most. She gave me a hug before I left. I've never been hugged before, at least not by a pretty girl, or just girls in general. It was the highlight of my 6-year isolation. That was when I fully understood how badly I wanted friends.

    Anyway, I do hope you find what you're looking for.