I don't know what to do without her, i'm finding it so hard to deal with life... like my heart only beats once, lets the happiness go through, but stops, and doesn't beat again... Its harder knowing you can be happy, but don't know when you will ever be able to again... maybe i am too evil to be happy for real, but have to have it lingering inside me. i know its there, but it doesn't move while my heart doesn't beat, like torture. But day to day, life numbs it away, only letting the sharp pain of loneliness get inside my head... I just want to fly, so i know i can be free, and happy for what time i give myself. I keep thinking how an end would be such sweet relief, i can't deal with this torture of loneliness, knowing everything in the way is myself, because i am not good enough to get anything more than pain. Its hard to stop shivering... i don't think i can handle being alone any more.