Witnessed my soul mate's suicide on my birthday

Discussion in 'Grief and Bereavement' started by Batman, Feb 20, 2011.

  1. Batman

    Batman Member

    A little over two years ago Nikki hung herself in her room. She was 22. I was 26 at the time and 28 now...I've only RECENTLY have gone to get some help (meds Klonopin+wellbutrin)...so far they help only a little. But I've started breaking down again the past few weeks like it happened yesterday.....I'm at a loss becuase it is difficult to talk to a person face to face about it.
  2. kote

    kote Account Closed

    that must be so hard to go through!!! you are still grieving and maybe will until you can compartmentalize what happend.
    i had issues which with councelling i was able to put them in the right place. it made the pain easier to live with, but the memories are always still there.
    as for medicine its trial and error to find the right mix for you. so if you feel that what you have isnt working ask to try a different mix.
    also i did all my councelling online. it was hard to go through all the bad stuff but also refreshing to get it aired again.
    i do feel so sad for your loss and hope you can come to some peace.
    take care and best wishes.
  3. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry for your loss...
    i'm glad you're getting some proffesional help...it's something you can't deal with alone...
    it must be so hard for you re your birthday.....
    my son took his life on his mates birthday and I can only imagine what it must feel like for his mate and for you..
    I hope you will keep reaching out for support..
    there are a few of us here who understand what you're going through..
  4. Batman

    Batman Member

    Thank you for your condolences. I probably won't go into counseling. Just looking for escapes. IE the klonopin I'm on now. Alcohol too. Just to sleep. I don't want to see her...well...I don't want a bad dream about her.

    Thank you. The only help I believe I need is meds. I am not comfortable with therapy. Some part of me feels missing and I feel thats the way it should be
  5. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Thank you. The only help I believe I need is meds. I am not comfortable with therapy. Some part of me feels missing and I feel thats the way it should be

    You will always have that place inside that feels empty it won't go away because of therapy. Therapy will help you deal with the sadness the pain
    It will get you to see and understand clearly the pain your soul mate was in.
    You need help okay leaving this to just meds to just coping is not good enough
    with grief therapy you will heal something your soulmate would want for you.
    She would not want you suffering and in pain she did not want to hurt you like this okay she just was lost and she would want you to get help to move on from this pain you are in. hugs
  6. Batman

    Batman Member

    If she didnt want me in pain she wouldnt have left. On her bed was a birthday card that said "You're the greatest thing to ever happen to me. I love you with all my heart and soul"

    The meds and the escapes will help enough. The sadness and hurt is as strong today as when it first happened....I was doing good until a bad dream triggered me about two weeks ago
  7. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You will have these triggers okay they will come therapy will help you cope with them the meds help yes but they will not bring healing okay therapy brings healing i am sorry you will need help but when your ready only when your ready okay hugs to you
  8. Batman

    Batman Member

    Nothing will bring healing...and im not so sure i want to heal
  9. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    It is so early in your grief I know and i am sorry but there is i have been there and i am in a way still there but one learns ways to forgive self god i am sorry you deal with your grief in your way that is the only way but when you feel you need help please get it okay You deserve help as i said your soulmate would not want all this pain for you.
  10. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    that's how I feel most of the time too batman...but not all of the time
    I don't know if we ever heal but we can learn to cope with the feelings differently ..
    that's where some counceling may help you...
    have you thought of maybe joining a support group in your area where you can talk to others who have been through your pain and understand?...
    please tell your doctor how you are feeling..maybe you need a change of meds if they're making you feel worse..

    I'm not sure of the reason Nikki left but she most likely felt you were better off without her and wouldn't have thought for a minute that it would affect you as it did...most of us who have been to that point of 'commiting' aren't thinking about how it affects the ones left behind..just getting rid of the pain we're in.
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 21, 2011
  11. Batman

    Batman Member

    i should be over it though....i dont want "help"...like she said " you cant save everyone"
  12. kote

    kote Account Closed

    thats something you dont get over!!! ever!!!
    the only way to live is to live through it through coping mechanisms.
    whether it be medication or some other form.
    think of where you want to be in a years time and how you want to feel emotionally. then you can slowly aim towards that.
    ive been "sick" for 3 years and i didnt go through such a traumatic event as yours - nowhere even close.
    but focus on what you can do and leave unwanted baggage behind as you already have a lot to carry.
    please take care and all my best wishes for you!!!
  13. Batman

    Batman Member

    My coping is taking klonopin with alcohol and smoking weed
  14. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    I'm so sorry for your loss.. I know how difficult and heart breaking it can be, know that you're not alone x
  15. Wink

    Wink Member

    I am so sorry for your loss, the timing of it, and the location make it even harder to deal with.

    Professional help, and perhaps your church or support groups may be good resources for you.

    We have just gone through something similar and are searching for guidance as well. Again, so sorry for your loss.
  16. Batman

    Batman Member

    thank you

    ehhh...professional help? i dont believe will help much.....just want the meds...i am spiritual but not in the man made rellgious sense
  17. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    how you doing batman? *hugs*
  18. cashing_out

    cashing_out Well-Known Member

    I know how you feel. I lost my father and brother to suicide. Father; Murder/Suicide and my brother took his life with a pistol I bought for him and he did it on his daughters birthday......its been almost 4 years since my brother shot himself and I still break through my medz and then nothing in the world can calm me down. I blame myself and a few other people and want to kill em all including myself. I have to work through it and holy shit iz it hard to do. Triggers are everywhere and I never know when one will pop up. Then the rage sets in and I get super angry. I didnt want help either. One of my phycs told me that I am hapy when im angry....she was right on the money. Then I found SF.........glad I did and I am sure so are lots of other folks.....hope you can work through this. I know its tough but its do-able.....if I can work through my rage, you can work through your problems too. Good luck.
  19. luka

    luka Active Member

    thank you for sharing this, ive been in the army for 20+ years and i have lost many mates, it is something that i can never get over but something i learned to live with. i still have nightmares about the wars etc but i can tell you right now that it gets BETTER, you have the support f your family and friends aswell as the people on this forum, not a single day goes by that i dont think about my fallen mates but i dont mourn their death but i celebrate their life. chin up brother
  20. chipper

    chipper Well-Known Member

    i think this is something you should remember always but try not to let it hold you back.

    you're here, you're alive. so live.