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witnessing a suicide....

Discussion in 'Grief and Bereavement' started by raeusc, Sep 23, 2007.

  1. raeusc

    raeusc New Member

    I just found this forum....Hoping it can help.

    July 11, 2001 My boyfriend comitted suicide. I guess it's a little more complicated... We started dating our senior year of high school and dated throughout our freshman year of college. During our two year relationship.... He physically abused me, threatened suicide, threatened to kill me and then kill himself.

    I'm sure right now you are thinking "why did you stay with him". And maybe it's because I was weak, I really don't know, But what I do know is he wasn't always bad. In fact he had a side to him that I completly fell in love with and he made me feel safe and secure and loved...

    I guess I just got tired of him hurting me (and not just physically). I told him until he got some help I just needed him to leave me alone.. Thats when he made this decision that i've spent the last 6 years trying to understand. He came to my house snuck in through the backyard and in the side of my house. Started to load a gun and without all the details... killed himself in front of me. Right after he told me he loved me.

    Like I said it's been 6 years and I'm functioning.... I get up in the morning, I go to work and I even go out! People in my life probably don't think anything is wrong, but I am misrable. I haven't finished college yet and I really feel like i'm stuck... stuck 6 years ago standing there watching him die. I think wow it's been 6 years and i'm not doing anything wtih my life and im not getting over it , am I going to be like this my entire life?

    I miss him..... but i'm mad too. I love him very much and I think more often than not i'm missing him. I'm just so sad and don't really know where to turn...
  2. LostMyMind

    LostMyMind Well-Known Member

    Just picturing that scene taking place makes me cringe. I'm sorry you went through this and glad to hear you are doing ok in life. I'm not sure what to say exactly, just don't blame yourself for his actions and try not to feel bad about it. Have you had another boyfriend since?
  3. Trip the Dark fantastic

    Trip the Dark fantastic Well-Known Member

    It doesn't need a long time line to dramatically change the outlook of ones life. Witnessing the death of your partner belongs to this category. I'm sorry for what you had to experience.

    6 years is a long time and I ask myself; what have you done during this time to cope with the pain and the grief inside you. Although time may blunt the edges of your memory, the real traumatic event in your life may not have been recognised, addressed and dealt with.

    I think, you need to take your hurting to the next level. Inform yourself about grieving, about the stages of grief you are going through and find support.
    I am too dealing with a loss of a loved one, only I had to see her dying bit by bit over a long period and images of her life, her in the hazy twilight of permanent shades and her death are engraved in my very core. Ever since, I ask myself: How do I remove death initiation marks from my very center of being?

    Actively dealing with it helps...
    Some info on grief. http://www.uiowa.edu/~ucs/griefloss.html
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 24, 2007
  4. Puddytat

    Puddytat Well-Known Member

    That is harsh...
    there are 2 aspects to this that you have to deal with, first is the grief of loss and second is the guilt.
    you must be feeling immensely guilty and that is what his objective was when he killed himself in front of you. if you loved someone and you wanted to die, you would do it privately. you shouldnt feel guilty that he took his own life, it is not your responsibility to keep him alive, you shouldnt have to stay w/ him just so he doesnt kill himself, that is unfair to you. it was his decision and you dont have to live w/ that on your shoulders.
  5. raeusc

    raeusc New Member

    Thank you all for your responses....

    I really have no idea how i've dealth with this... It's almost like I don't know how I feel anymore.. It's hard to explain. After everything happened, I cried for a while, I was sad, and then I moved away. Thats when I feel like I just got stuck.

    I really don't know how to "heal"... Everyone keeps saying that, but i just don't know how to do that.

    Yes! I feel very guilty. The first two years after it happened his parents kept calling my mom to find out where I was to tell me what a horrible person I was because I went on good morning america to talk about it bc at the time I was 19 years old, it had just happened and people kept telling me "this will help you heal... help others." So.. I did it...I wish now that I never would have... I didn't bad mouth him i just talked about teenage dating violence and suicide. During their rants they implied everything was my fault. I haven't heard from them since then.

    I went through a stage where when i was still living there I would go to the cemetary ALL of the time. Several times a day. When I would visit i ALWAYS made a few trips and would spend such a long time there... Now I can't do it...I can't go past our high school, or his house or the cemetary anything that reminds me of him because i physically feel like i can't take it.

    ugh i feel like im losing my mind :(
  6. blade

    blade Well-Known Member

    awwwww gawges (L)
    im sorry what uve been through.
    hope ur dealing with it good.
    i dont know what to say right now.
    but if u need a hand im here.
  7. Blackness

    Blackness Guest

    that is the sadest and most terrifying thing ever!
    You sound relatively normal considering it all, have you had any counselling? you would have needed some debreifing I'd think. :(
    The worst thing you can do is blame yourself, sounds like you were there for him , no matter what. He obviously had something wrong with him mentally and this is not your fault. I hope you dont bame yourself and i cant believe youve gone 6 yrs with this behind you, you're strong !
  8. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    im sorry you had to see that :hug:
  9. silent_enigma

    silent_enigma Well-Known Member

    Maybe it would help if whenever you think about it, remember he had an illness that eventually killed him. Regardless of whether he was with you, someone else, or alone, he was ill, like having a brain tumor that made him act crazy and was ultimately terminal.
  10. wow your a strong person, I could only wish I was half as strong as you are if someone committed suicide in front of me... Not to mention it's someone I know...
  11. Sometimes

    Sometimes New Member

    It sounds like he's succeeding in 'killing you' too. He's taken your joy away. Six years is a long time to mourn and feel guilty for someone who obviously wanted you to mourn and feel guilty. Don't feel guilty. You didn't pull the trigger. He was selfish -- in life and in death. Mourn him one last time and start living again.