~Wit's End~

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Urza, May 8, 2011.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. Urza

    Urza Active Member

    Okay where should I begin? I suppose to what lead me to join SF.

    I was talking to some people on another website asking whether nor not a guy (where I'm the guy) who enjoys Legos, Disney Cartoons and playing video games is viewed by the opposite sex is immature, if it doesn't matter or if it's actually attractive because the guy (me) is in touch with their playful inner child and so might make a good father someday.

    But none of that matters as long as I'm employed and able to provide for a family.

    Which I'm not employed, as I wrote in another post I'm 'mentally disabled' which in The United States means you're given just enough to survive. I'm on Section 8, Social Security and SSI and they're all affected by income so if I were to gain employment I'd have to make a certain amount not to lose my aids but Section 8 scales to your income so it's I wouldn't hardly be making anything at all.

    Not to mention that if I did make enough to be removed from Section 8 what would happen if for whatever reason I lost my job. The waiting list is between seven and twelve years!

    I would quite literally have to go from poverty to independently wealthy overnight in order to be 'secure.'

    And that's the other thing that I seemed to have a two-pronged fear of both success and failure, so I do everything I can not to fail but not enough to succeed.

    Though because of my extreme efficiency with finances I thought of going to business school, either to land a management position or to run my own business. I'm not lazy, I appreciate the value of working hard.

    There's problems with that though, the state of the economy and how corporations have all but monopolized the marketplace and corporations aren't likely to hire someone who has a degree but no experience managing and I don't really feel like being an automaton in their system to continue to fuel their insatiable greed.

    I've had another friend say that I can't do all this without the help of friends. Being isolated and alone I don't have any friends offline.

    I'm really in a period of waithood, I have to pay my debts, save up for a car and see what kind of financial assistance I can get for college, even if I don't go to business school getting my generals done is at least SOMETHING!

    And then what? By the time I've actually finished school, gained employment and be at least semi-successful I'll be damn near forty.

    I would be the 40 Year Old Virgin (Yes I am a virgin) and what kind of father would that make me considering a first child would graduate from high school when I'm fifty-eight?

    ~Sighs~

    I really want to cry, I haven't done so in nine years, I've completely forgotten how, but I'm tired, I'm tired of hurting, of my head hurting because not crying gives me SUCH a headache. If only I would just cry maybe I'd be able to think and figure things out.

    I've thought a lot, especially in the past day about buying a <Mod Edit, WildCherry: Methods>. Putting an 'x' on this life and hoping the next is better.

    And there is something good to be said if I did: There is probably someone who needs my Section Eight Subsidy voucher more than I do, other disabled people who needs my government aids more than I do.

    I suppose the opposite is true as well that the next person on the list could 'scam' the system, making my death completely in vain.

    There are three things between me and that final solution: My Mum, I'm not ashamed to admit that I love my Mom and she's lived a very hard life, is a very strong and courageous woman who sacrificed a lot for my sister and I. I know just what suiciding would do to her and I really don't want to hurt her like that.

    The second is my cat, who would take care of him? Would he feel so heartbroken by my departing this plane of existence that he'd just starve himself to death to join me on the other side?

    The final thing is that I'm stubborn to a fault (again as mentioned in another post) and I'm determined to make things better, see if the next day lived is clearer.

    So as much as I want to die, I'm not ready to die, I couldn't pull the trigger to end my life.

    But I don't know what to do, I'm at my wit's end.

    I'm sorry my post was SO long, thank you to those who read it and give their sympathy/support.

    ~Urza~​
     
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Legos are awesome; the last time one of my friend's kids got some and then later took a nap, my friend and I spent 2 hours playing with them. :) Disney cartoons (or in my case movies) and videogames are just as awesome.

    I can relate to some of what you're dealing with. I'm on disability due to blindness. And you're right, they give you barely enough to survive, and if you find a job, it has to be a good one, because soon after you're employed, you lose most (if not all) of your benefits.

    I can't offer much in the way of advice because I'm caught in a similar situation. But I can offer support, my PM box is always open if you ever feel like talking.
     
  3. the masked depressant

    the masked depressant Well-Known Member

    please don't worry about the disney cartoons etc

    we've all got an inner child inside us- best to let it show sometimes
     
  4. Urza

    Urza Active Member

    Thank you both for your support and sympathies.

    And my apologies on my newb rule break there WildCherry, thank goodness I was still in trial membership so that you caught it before it could be read by others in a more vulnerable position than myself.

    And that's exactly how it is and why I'm extremely hesitant to seek employment, with the US economy the way it is there aren't a lot of job opportunities and a lot of places either don't pay well, don't treat well or both.

    I even have a little perfectionist and over-achiever in me to, so even when I do accomplish everything I want to do in a day, it's not enough. I imagine it's part and partial to again the stigma against 'mentally disabled' people that we're stupid, lazy, etc. So I strive to do A LOT even if I neither succeed or fail.

    It's good to know that there are other people who enjoy Legos, Disney Cartoons (and movies) and video games as much as I do. :)

    ~Urza~​
     
  5. Push

    Push Well-Known Member

    You are not taking away from someone else because you are on disability, everyone who is disabled (and proves it) can get help.

    There is nothing wrong with video games and toys. Me and my husband spent a rainy day yesterday playing video games.

    By your post I'm guessing that you are fairly young, so you still have plenty of time to find a wife and become a father.

    I am also on disability and I know what you mean about the stigma. I am not lazy, I work harder physically than most people I know.
     
  6. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    I read your thread but don't have a reply right now.. I just woke up and the gears in my head haven't caught up...
     
  7. Viro

    Viro Well-Known Member

    Don't worry about your age. My father is 64, and I'm graduating this year.
     
  8. Urza

    Urza Active Member

    First I would like to express my gratitude and thank everyone whose helping me through this temporary glitch in my life.

    Push - I've had to prove my disability twice, the first was when I was initially placed on benefits and had an excellent case manager who made sure that my needs were met. The second was when I was up for review by the Social Security Administration in which I had to write out an essay on how things are and have my therapist and psychiatrist also write something for me.

    It's also good to know that I'm not wrong to think that video games make a person immature and are enjoyed by many people who in or not in a relationship.

    I'm twenty-seven but today I feel much MUCH older, I'm also not very social so finding a wife is somewhat problematic since my experience socializing offline is minimal and in general; negative.

    I know what you mean about working harder, like having to prove to non-disabled people that you're not lazy. Or perhaps I'm reading what you said wrong?

    Stranger1 - Take your time, the thread and I will still be here when the gears are caught up in your head. :) I'm getting tired so the gears are actually gearing for sleep. :p

    Adam Kadmon - Thank you Adam, it's good to know I still have some time left. :)

    ~Urza~​
     
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.