Woke up wanting to kill myself but I could not focus on doing it.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by WannaEndit01, Aug 28, 2016.

  1. WannaEndit01

    WannaEndit01 Well-Known Member

    Woke up wanting to kill myself but I could not focus on doing it. I have "the kit" down stairs in the closet. I tried to focus on it, see if it would relieve the pain. I could not focus on it, so the pain continues. Thought about posting this in the chat room, but I don't think people would no how to respond or would it do any good.

    So now what. My wife will be back home any time. (She took off for two days) So I can't actually try to kill myself anyway. The chance of her catching me is way to great. And I just don't think I can do it anyway. So what's next.

    Sit here and be depressed. Add images to the report on working on. Death is what I need. But it won't come soon enough. It's funny because if you read this you'd think I am depressed. Which I am but for good reasons.

    So I will plow through the day waiting for my wife. Maybe tomorrow I can get up the courage to do myself in?

    It's simple enough to do, but doing it is just so hard. Really is, if not I would already be gone.
     
  2. brknsilence

    brknsilence Well-Known Member

    Is there someone you can call to make sure you're safe? Can you go to the hospital and let them know how you're feeling/thoughts? Is there a crisis hotline number you can call?

    Here if you want to talk. Please don't give into the thoughts. We care about you.
     
  3. WannaEndit01

    WannaEndit01 Well-Known Member

    No one to call. Bringing in others would cause problems. Last thing I need it to be taken to the hospital. Loose my job. Now your response is if you're reading this is that is irrelevant--your talking about killing yourself. While true here's the problem:

    1. If I kill myself then all is good so to speak -- can't lose your job or social standing once your dead.
    2. If I just go on and get better, then all is good.
    3. As soon as I bring in outsiders, go to a hospital etc. I will have both work and social problems where I live. That will end up forcing me to really kill myself.

    The best solution is #1 for me but I just can't do it. So by default I am choosing 2. 3. Will destroy what I have left.
     
  4. WhoaThisPlaceIsScary

    WhoaThisPlaceIsScary Well-Known Member

  5. WhoaThisPlaceIsScary

    WhoaThisPlaceIsScary Well-Known Member

    We will all be old,decrepit,and full of regrets waiting to die on a bed...soon enough.I would suggest just living until that day.
     
  6. WannaEndit01

    WannaEndit01 Well-Known Member

    So now it's night time. Really bad morning. Got my first draft of my proposal finished today. Tomorrow I will start the Business Plan for GE. If I am real healthy, I'll go for a scull.

    Else, if I am really depressed maybe I'll try to "end it all" so to speak. Who knows.
     
  7. brknsilence

    brknsilence Well-Known Member

    Just stay and keep going. We are here for you. Please stay safe.