Woke up with a plan

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by jessiebelle, Jul 23, 2011.

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  1. jessiebelle

    jessiebelle Member

    I woke up this morning with a plan of how I was going to end my life. I have been considering the options for a while, over a month now, and couldn't decide. I needed one that is fail-proof. When I woke up this morning I knew exactly what I needed to do. It's so easy, I couldn't believe I hadn't thought of it before.

    I decided I would do it tonight, I don't have a lot of ends to tie up. I was on my way to my doctors, who I have to see daily, and I was so happy. So much happier then I have been in such a long time. I felt euphoric.

    Then I thought about a call from my Mum I missed this morning. I thought I'd have to call her before i do it, not to tell her, just to tell her I love her. Then I started thinking about how she and Dad would feel when they were told I had killed myself. There went my good mood.

    Now i don't know what to do. I want so badly to die, but I cannot bear the guilt and the thought of my parents lives after I have killed myself. I don't know if I can do this to them.

    I was so happy to think this would all be over tonight, and now I am torn. Do I do what I want, and damn everyone I love to all the pain that I have been feeling, or do I keep on living for them?

    I just want it all to go away...I just wish something would happen to me, I wish I would die, so I didn't have to make this choice. I am such a coward, I want the easy way out. The death, without the pain to everyone else that my suicide would bring.
  2. pancake111

    pancake111 Well-Known Member

    I've been in this position too, and living for other people just doesn't work. You'll soon start to not care about them and not care about how they will feel when you're gone. I know it sounds morbid, but it's true.

    You really need to confide in someone (I know how hard it is) and get help to make you feel better. Trust me, when you get help, it's like the world has been lifted off your shoulders.

    Here's a list of songs that really helped me, and pretty much saved my life

    Iris- Goo Goo Dolls
    Crawling- Linkin Park
    Coma Black- Marilyn Manson
    In the Shadow in the Valley of Death- Marilyn Manson
    Somewhere I Belong- Linkin park
    To Hell and Back- Bless the fall
    Black balloon- Goo Goo dolls
    Never too late- Three days Grace
    Take this Life- In Flames
    When It Rains- Paramore
    Slip out the Back- Fort Minor
    Beautiful- Eminem

    I'm don't know what kind of music you like, so i tried to put a little of everything (except for country because I don't really listen to it). Fell free to PM me anytime
  3. roscho

    roscho Well-Known Member

    Jessica, you are not a coward. You don't want an easy way out. You want a plan. When you woke up with a plan, your day brightened immensely.

    Keep talking to us about plans. Not plans that end your life, but plans that save your life. These plans need to be small and achievable for Jessica. Build some wins in to your life. Maybe make a list each day of things you want or need to do, and at the end of the day review the list and see how you did. Keep the list close by, so you can refocus on it throughout the day.
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