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Wondering Why Live At All

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by avirup2008, Mar 21, 2011.

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  1. avirup2008

    avirup2008 Member

    Hi my name is Avirup from India.

    If I have to recount my tale of life it would take ages. Lets just say that I have always faced a hard life, family had financial crisis, I tried to do good in my studies but kept coming short of my brilliant cousin. Comparisons, negativity and tears have always been a part of me. I used to be extremely popular with a lot of friends but I have crumbled under the pressure and alienated everyone around me.

    As far as love is concerned, I was betrayed and misunderstood often. Finally I found the girl I loved the most but I hurt her a lot with my actions and she left me. We are still "friends" per se, but nothing will bring her back to me.

    All of these things combined have left me with the question- Why should I live at all? Technically, I bagged a job at one of the top IT companies and would be starting in a few months. However, the prospect of money seems futile when I just cannot be happy anymore.

    I have suicidal thoughts daily, almost every time. Even during the off chances when I am happy, I think that I do not deserve it and I should die instead. Lately I have been having bad dreams about the girl I love and it is killing me inside. I just want to die and end everything. I don't care what is on the other side as long as I reach it.

    I am tired of being lonely, misunderstood and in tears all the time. I have made mistakes and I am a bad person who could not live upto expectations people had from me.

    Is it not enough to take the plunge? I hope it is, because i really really want to do it no matter what.

    Thanks for listening to a loser like me. :sad: :sad:
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Just want to say hi and welcome to SF Y Ou are not a loser hun you have a job offer and who knows maybe you will be your sould mate there someone that has same interest as you do Keep reaching out here okay we are listening we care hugs
  3. peacelovingguy

    peacelovingguy Well-Known Member

    Hey Avirup - sorry to see you this down brother - but although you don't feel happy right now, you got reasons and losing someone you love is a reason to feel down.

    That said its not a reason to die. A reason to feel like dying no doubt, but what we feel is just a assessment of our own selves by our own self. We tend to put ourselves down - therefore making any rash decision is not worth it.

    A job is something though - you must be bright to land it and so what if your cousin is the Einstein of India? Chill out over that - we all have our talents and whether you brush the streets or service hi tech servers, the honour is there regardless.

    Being a working man will make you more eligible for the ladies. Also working with others, you'll have less time to worry about things.

    You may or may not have hurt people, but as long as you recognise that then you take steps to change. Having a wage and a life of your own ought to make you feel better. Plus you have plenty of opportunity to study when working.

    Good luck!
  4. avirup2008

    avirup2008 Member

    Thanks a lot eclipse and peacelovingguy :)

    I understand that the job thing is big but somewhere down the line it only reminds me of how I had promised her when I get a job, I could finally dream of talking to her parents and asking for her hand in marriage.

    Now I have the offer letter in my hands but the girl is gone from my life.

    Worse part is that she is extremely popular after taking part in a MTV reality show and is adored by fans all over the country (I am talking something like 700-1000 comments on each of her Facebook status and updates). Although she treats me as a friend and still talks to me, I see the male adulation she receives and panic.

    Very soon she would find someone interesting and get committed. If she does, I will be too broken to continue with life. I know that contemplating suicide over a girl is not always considered the right decision but for me she was the only outlet and solace of happiness against all the miseries of my life.

    With her gone, I have nothing to live for anymore. At times like these, I wish I just went to sleep one day and never work up. I hope that happens :( :(
  5. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    :hug: First want to say welcome to the forums.. I hope you can find some people here who can relate with you and give you some support. You aren't a loser and you have every right to feel the way you do. We are here for you. I hope things can be better for you.
  6. avirup2008

    avirup2008 Member

    Thanks a lot for taking time out to reply Swift :)

    I do hope I can find support. I just spoke to some very nice people on chat and they made me feel a lot better. Thanks again to everyone. :)
  7. lostbutnotfound

    lostbutnotfound Well-Known Member

    Welcome to SF avirup :) You aren't a loser, you are merely someone who is struggling an awful lot right now, which everyone here will be able to understand. By finding this forum and posting, you are reaching out for support which is really positive, and not easy to do. Please keep posting and letting us know what is going on for you, so that we can try and support you. Take care :arms:
  8. avirup2008

    avirup2008 Member

    Thanks a lot lostbutnotfound.

    Every day seems like a struggle where I despise my own self identity. I just wish I could turn back time and be a better person but those are just empty thoughts on an overburdened mind.

    I will be reaching out for support because I do not think I can handle this anymore on my own, although I have tried a lot. I just hope I don't do something drastic.

    Thanks a lot again for understanding :)
  9. Odyssey

    Odyssey Member

    Welcome, avirup. It sounds like you really are reaching out, and I know how hard it can be to do so. I've found that when I'm in my most desperate places, and I really want to avoid doing something drastic, if I just reach out and try to connect with someone, it can help keep me from doing something I know I might regret later. I hope this forum will help you feel safe doing that. PM me if you need or want to.
  10. Daphna

    Daphna Well-Known Member

    Hello. There are many reasons to live, and one major one is to get past this and allow yourself a chance to receive everything you desire. I would stop being so harsh on myself. You've done your best and your not a failure. I will not lie and say that money can buy you happiness, but it can give you security to obtain what you do want. I think you just need more confidence. Relationships work and they don't work. That's life. What you can do is take this opportunity to reflect on what you did that you know to be wrong and try not to do them in the next relationship. Women want security, they want a man that will look them in the eyes and tell them that everything will be ok when their having a unstable moment. They want a man who will do his best, even if he does screw up once in a while. Your human for crying out loud! Not superman!! So stop expecting to be something you are not. Be a flawed human and grow from it. I know that once you give yourself a break and continue to do your best; you will discover that you are a pretty nice guy that deserves everything in life. Blessings...
  11. Pécheur

    Pécheur Account Closed

    Welcome to SF Avirup :shake:

    Sounds like you're not having a good time at all right now. There are many people on the forum who are in a similar situation so stick around and maybe you can find some confort knowing you're not alone.

    On a lighter not, congradulations with the job! I must say, although at the moment it doesn't seem so, when you start earning.. just working can take your mind off of your seemingly debilitating thoughts. Also, when you start to bring home the monies, you can treat youself and so, feeling more contented.

    :hug: hope this helps, remember.. we're all here to support you.
  12. xToxThexGravex

    xToxThexGravex Well-Known Member

    Welcome Avirup. We're here to help you in any way possible. If you ever need someone to talk to, I will gladly lend my time to make sure that you're taken care of :hug:
  13. avirup2008

    avirup2008 Member

    Thanks a lot to all of you :)

    I've been trying to keep myself away from negativity by keeping myself busy. Although it has been partially a success, I still feel random bouts of depression coming in.

    The last I felt was 2 minutes ago, which got me back to this forum. I want this to end :(
  14. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    depression like that it come and goes but with meds one is more stable keep talking okay keep releasing the sadness here Keeping busy also helps keeps one mind off the sadness hugs to you
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