wondering why ???

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by White Dove, Jul 9, 2007.

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  1. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    I cant seem to shake the feeling of things tonight..

    I cant keep from wondering why i got this stupid cancer...

    Why did it have to be me?

    My mom had it but why in the World did i have to get it?

    Another thing is that i think people here like me and its gonna hurt when i pass on and i dont want any more hurt put upon others , especially those here who have pm=ed me several times and have gotten to know me here.

    everyone here is great.. You are the best that i have ever come across on the internet in a forum.. And i mean that from my heart.. See here i can let my true heart out online without the rejection and hurt from others , and i got to say it does help.. It helps for me to have a place to speak truth and speak my mind without getting harsh replies.. it helps to have a place to unwind at... It helps me to deal with whats going on in my life and it helps me to be able to help others..

    I am sure from others here that my passing will hurt a lot of people and that is whats bothering me tonight. i cant help but think of all you that have touched me or my heart... I cant help but think of how its gonna affect you knowing i passed from a cancer.. i dont want that hurt upon all of you but yet it is my destiny in a few months..

    I cant shake the feeling of it cause i have no choice but to embrace a death in a few months and not only that a death that brings pain, hard physical pain, that will bring nights upon nights of throwing up.. that will hard for me to even bear to take it and i dont know if i can.. i really dont know if i will be strong enough to do it... To endure all of it... and yet i want to be strong for everyone here...

    i dont know if i am going to be able to do it.... Does it make any sence what im saying or is it just words on a screen? I dont know im just got a lot on my mind tonight.

    i want to fight , but dont know if i can....
  2. ace

    ace Well-Known Member

    WD I'm going to miss you soooo much:sad::sad:I can't explain how sad and emotional it makes me reading when you post sorry it just hurt's it's not your fault,I wish I could take the cancer away from you I wish so badly.:sad:
  3. liveinhope

    liveinhope Well-Known Member

    Hang in there WD keep fighting we will fight with you:hug:
  4. livingdeath

    livingdeath Active Member

    All I can say, White Dove, is that you are a very brave girl and I am touched and humbled by your courage, and I will remember you. In sharing your courage with us, you have given us a gift.
    - your friend
  5. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    oh ace hun... i wished that you would not hurt..

    i dont want to hurt you or anyone else... i have caused enough hurt to others in my life.. please dont hurt anymore okay....

    i know you cant take this cancer away from me.. no one can.. that is the way God wanted it and i have to believe that as much as i can..

    The most thing that bothers me is that i dont think i have fully come to accept that this is my fate.. i have not even begun to come to terms with it or deal with it but i have to... It is something that cant be helped..

    I just need to look on the bright side of things .. for one i will not have to worry about getting too old to drive a car , or to old that i cant get around... i dont have to worry about getting wrinkles upon my face or hands and i get to go see Jesus sooner - well that is unless he decides to come back here first.. no one knows what tomorrow brings , even me ...

    please dont hurt because of me??? Just think of it this way.. i get to go see my mom.. i get to go meet Jesus .. i get to go where there is love and peace ...

    My life on this earth was not what it should have been... my life was filled with hardships , way too many but it has taught me much... It has taught me to care for others.. it has taught me to love.. it has definatly taught me pain or rather the feel of pain... it has helped me to realise not to take life for granted anymore...

    i never thought i would have to deal with this and with a past like mine it doesnt help me much with support from any friends or loved ones. That is mostly why i thought about taking my life again... I dont want to go through what i seen my mom go through yet God wants me to.... why he wants me to i just dont know... Perhaps its punishment or some type of consequence for my wrongs in my life?? i dont have the answer to it , only God does...

    i know my faith has been tested many times and is now being tested.. sometimes i get so angry with God that i just want to scream at him for allowing me this then at other times i just get sad because i got so angry with him and then get mad at myself...

    i just dont know what tomorrow brings for me or rather i can handel the pain or not... and i am one that can not stand pain .. having to deal with two types of pain at the same time is really tearing at my heart but please dont hurt because of me.. i could not stand to leave more hurt upon others. i have did that enough already...

    please dont hurt because of me??
  6. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    Thanks Dawn
  7. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    Thanks LD

    You are a good friend..
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