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wondering

#1
i'm not actively suicidal, have been before and 100% would have a couple of times uninterrupted, but i'm feeling mostly hopeless i can recover mentally to a point where i can connect with people. i've reached out many times for "help" i need social and physical contact, but have somewhat severe social ptsd and "schizophrenia", i will mostly misunderstand peoples reactions as slights, don't trust people to continue to want to help or worth it to be around me in a social capacity after people start making fun of them or manipulating them away, or trying to "protect" them from me saying i can't be helped or need to help myself... guy wants to be friend "are you boyfriends" oh got a "new best friend" girl wants anything to do with me, anyone who can talk to women at all will get right in there, people mostly laugh or think i don't actually need help, i've had a lot of issues with stalking/harassment, social/sexual denial torture, and just everyday shit from people who want to "steal my thunder" which i can't really handle, can never make progress or keep stable relationships because i misunderstand good intention as this happening so much, and if i am friends with someone and they know people who talk this way i'll assume they aren't my friends or don't want to invest emotion into truly believing they will continue to be in the face of social pressure. i'm basically insane this way in any definition of perceptions of reality and i'm not sure how i can get the help i need to get to the point where i can even really work on it, many people know i freak out at people trying to be friendly so much, i can be messed with or taken advantage of, stepped over as far as social or sexual relationships, and say they aren't doing that, then this attitude i have developed appears a certain way if people aren't actually doing that. i can't move past so much that has happened in my life, asking for help mostly makes it worse so i really haven't directly for a long time. peoples response to my asking for help with social and physical contact mostly makes me want to kill myself alone to be honest, it has made me not like people very much, i've become mostly angry at men in general and women in general for different reasons, when usually its very few people that i should truly be angry with if that makes sense. i'm not sure how to move past anything, i'm not in so much pain i cant continue, but i feel my situation will continue to get worse and there are very few reasons i want to be alive... to get to the point where i would want to live and be able to be a part of society or have any capability of human connection requires things i won't get help with, and mostly people just laugh, say not my problem, don't help, can't help, convince people who want to not to... it seems like just wanting to help can be used against someone, like don't fall for that... a lot of people do want to, but don't... i'm not sure why, theres a lot of social manipulation involved but mostly it makes me feel i'm just not worth it to people, when i know that i am capable of being a friend instead of a burden. if you have advice or have recovered from similar feelings please let me know, if not please leave it be
 

Auri

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#2
I can't say I relate much, or that I have good advice... or at least I wouldn't know where to start as you mentioned a lot of things. But I read and heard you, if that matters. I'm sorry life has taught you to believe that you weren't good enough and not to trust people. There are good people out there though, many here on SF are willing to listen and try to understand. I hope you take good care of yourself.
 

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