Won't go Way

Discussion in 'Grief and Bereavement' started by NoOneKnows, Jan 11, 2008.

  1. NoOneKnows

    NoOneKnows Member

    Im new to this site and i thought i should just get this outta my system. I am 21 years old and my dad died when i was 7. It had been 14 years and it still can't get over it. Everyone seems to think that just because i was 7 when he died it shouldn't affect me this much. I just started dealing with the pain and its too hard. Most of the time i find myself self harming and i hate my self for it. About a month after he died i remember that i started to burst out crying and my mom told me that it had been a month already and to get use to it. I never showed emotion for him since.

    I know he is still with me...or he was up until i was nine. i remember being home alone and really scared. when i looked up the stairs i seen his spirit. I freaked out and when i relaxed he was gone. It hurts so bad that i can't see him or hug him or kiss him. and i don't remember the last time i hugged him and told him that i loved him. im so mad at myself for it.Im crying now because it hurts. i didn't even kiss him goodbye when he was in the casket because i was a punk. When will this pain end and why can't i just get over it?
  2. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    Sometimes people never get over losing a loved one but they learn to live with it and carry on living their lives. But there are also those who can't ever seem to live on, it's as if they are forever burdened and traumatized and immobilized.

    Your father is in a better place now, resting in peace. Think of the good things about him and the good memories you have of him. If you have any self blame, fear, etc then rationalize them and be honest with yourself. Your father passed from this world before his time and before he could develop his relationship with you.

    I know he's looking down from the sky with a big proud smile, waiting for the day to see you again. I bet he would want you to let go and live your life, to achieve things and for you to be happy.
  3. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    I'm sorry you lost your dad, especially when you were so young.

    Losing a parent is traumatic even when we and our parents are older, but it's particularly hard if it happens when one is a young child. (IMO, your mom's not allowing you to grieve the way you needed was inconsiderate and not supportive - although it's quite possible she was overwhelmed with grief herself. I'm sure she was doing the best she was able to. But when we don't allow ourselves to have and express these feelings, it can result in all kinds of worse feelings and/or behaviors later on - such as cutting.

    Even after we have mourned a loss, the pain may not go away "completely." It won't be there every minute of every day, but there might be things that can trigger us from time to time. Maybe if you allow yourself now to have the feelings you held in back then, it will help you get through it now so you can put it behind you.

    It's okay that you feel sad for not having your dad, for missing him and for being sad that you wonder when was the last time you kissed/hugged him...Be sure to remember any good times, too. Post your memories and feelings if you want; sometimes it helps to share them.

    Take care and be gentle with yourself.

    Thinking about ya,

  4. RySp123

    RySp123 Guest

    I agree 100% with what Acy wrote you dear. I would like to add this to her post.

    As time goes, memory fades away and it is part of our mind's process. As his features might not be as clear to your mind today, so is your memory of event that took place the day he passed away or last days. You might even have kissed and hugged him that very day yet the pain has taken over your 'thinking process' and things cant and couldnt remain as fresh no matter how you wish it to be otherwise.

    When i was young my best friend died and for years our last fight had been my last memory and trigger. I had wish to be able to erase our fight or go back in time and make it up to him yet it was impossible. Even his face i was forgetting so often going to albums to refresh my memory. Years have passed and it was his mother that when talking about this had reminded me that we did in fact make up after the 'famous' fight we had. I would not have accepted her story if it was not for a specific fact said that my recollection of events came back to my memory and been able to make peace with this whole thing.

    Just to show you that memory is something tricky when painful r stong events take place .......... all of our body, emotions and sensory systems are affected.

    I can understand you wish to have had the opportunity also to have develop a relationship with him and that it is a lack in your active life. This can not be replaced by anyone and must be accepted. Painful but try to make the best of all the good times and meories, using pictures as necessary to be happy and to smile when thinking of him and those few years shared with him.

    All the best, my heart goes to you.

    granny xx
  5. NoOneKnows

    NoOneKnows Member

    I remember both the day i found out my father died and the day i went to his funeral clearly. I know i didn't kiss my father goodbye because i was too scared of his corpse. As far as a memory that i should share, i remember a time when my mom told me that i wasn't allowed to talk to my father because he didn't buy me a winter coat. But i wouldn't listen. I use to sneak in my moms room really early in the morning around 6 or 7 and steal the phone to call him. I remember calling him so early one time, he hung up in my face. Back then i was hurt and didn't know why he did it, but now i know it was too early to be calling anyone to talk to them. I loved my dad so much. The one thing that i hate is that my mom tells me that he might be in hell. I hate that, because it helps me to believe he is in heaven. Well im not gonna babble anymore. thanks for the responses.
  6. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    Sounds like your mother has some bad feelings for your father. So there's bound to be some spite when your mother talks of your father.