Words are hard

[Yang Gu]

Hi, I'm new at this forum. I'm from asia, age 20 and I love to think myself as a normal teenage girl.
I'm actually not good at communicating or express myself in front of someone, even my family would sometimes act as if they listen but I can see in their eyes that they don't really care or understand me.
I have three brothers and I'm the only girl. So, It's hard to have someone who would listen to my problems or even understand me.
I'm leading a normal life right now, having a little money issue in the house but we still able to filled our tummy with warm foods. I'm actually an intern in small accountant firm. This July my intern would end and I will get a scroll on my hand on February next year.
My mom died 2 years ago but I still have my two aunts that treat me like a princess everyday and a really soft-hearted father, soft only with me. He's actually strict to my siblings. But, they are kind of like this typical adults. I'm having hard time opening up to them about how I really feel.
So, why I would have this 'suicide' thought?
Because, I'm tired of wearing mask everyday. I know when people hear my story, They would say I'm a spoiled girl.
But imagine to have this life perfectly carved for you and never have to choose. Smile because I don't want them to see that I'm depress, they would be sad and I don't want that.
I'm a girl, the only daughter so I have to listen to my father and brothers. I must always be a good girl, watch manner and never disappoint them, everyday I wake up to this morning where I don't even know how many days has past or what date is today. Tired and always sleepy.
I never have a chance to talk about something I really wanted to do, or at least try something new. I have a little dream of becoming a writer when I was young, but everyone says that it's a unstable job.
And now here I am, writing on suicideforum. I never write something in my life because I was afraid I will have this small hope, and now this will be my first writing.
I'm sorry if I'm being an idiot, but I feel really suffocate and maybe by writing I can breath for just a moment.

 

[Petal]

Hi there, welcome to SF @Yang Gu glad you joined, we're a friendly bunch so jump right in.

I am sorry you are going through so much, I do not think you are a spoiled girl, I see a girl who is crying out for help and you have certainly come to the right place for that.
Could you open up to one of your aunts about your depression? Maybe they would understand better if you explained to them how much you are hurting.
I'll put it this way, would you rather be open up about your issues to them or they find you deceased? sorry but had to say that.

We are all here for you hun, we really are, you are no longer alone, you are a part of the SF Family

Hugs to you ((hugs))

P.S . You are very grown up for your age and have good insight

 

[nightingale77]

Hey...... you are not an idiot... I’m glad you reached out. Welcome to SF. Please know that you have a safe space to share your thoughts and feelings. I understand how tiring it can get or be just to live up to others expectation. I have been through that too, to the point, i’m very hard on myself when I make mistakes. Don’t be so hard on yourself ok? You are a wonderful person. Sorry to hear about your mum. How do you cope after that? How do you feel about talking to a counsellor or therapist?? Talking to a counsellor o therapist certainly help to a certain extent but you have to be willing to do that too. Hope you will consider these options. Praying for you. God bless!

 

[Yang Gu]

Hey...... you are not an idiot... I’m glad you reached out. Welcome to SF. Please know that you have a safe space to share your thoughts and feelings. I understand how tiring it can get or be just to live up to others expectation. I have been through that too, to the point, i’m very hard on myself when I make mistakes. Don’t be so hard on yourself ok? You are a wonderful person. Sorry to hear about your mum. How do you cope after that? How do you feel about talking to a counsellor or therapist?? Talking to a counsellor o therapist certainly help to a certain extent but you have to be willing to do that too. Hope you will consider these options. Praying for you. God bless!

Thank you, nightingale77. No, I didn't go to meet any counsellor or therapist. Last time I did, my brother finds out and he had this feeling that I have depression but when he ask, I lie and say that I was only meeting with therapist because of my friend's project. I never go back since then. I really don't want my family to know about this, It's hard but I wanted to bear it alone. I hate making them worried about me. Maybe I will go next month.

 

[Walker]

Well you know, your family will find out about your depression eventually. It's only a matter of time. You may be able to fake it for 2 years or 20 but they'll know some time and then you'll be saying "but it's been this way for 20 years!" and no one will understand because you never said a word to them about it. There's no shame in needing help. Hear that? There is no shame in needing help. If you had cancer you would go to a doctor, yes? If you had a cavity, you would go to the dentist. If you need help then you should seek it. Seriously.

 

[Yang Gu]

Well you know, your family will find out about your depression eventually. It's only a matter of time. You may be able to fake it for 2 years or 20 but they'll know some time and then you'll be saying "but it's been this way for 20 years!" and no one will understand because you never said a word to them about it. There's no shame in needing help. Hear that? There is no shame in needing help. If you had cancer you would go to a doctor, yes? If you had a cavity, you would go to the dentist. If you need help then you should seek it. Seriously.

I've been spending time with my brother these days. It actually help me with my depression. But I still don't want them to know I have this suicide thought, maybe later I will listen to your advice and tell them later. For now, I wanna keep this positivity.