Words Better Left Unsaid

I have always held firm in the believe that much unhappiness has come into the world because of bewilderment and things left unsaid, however... While it might be wine which is currently stimulating the plumbings of my heart or the new single of Daughter... I have an urging desire to elaborate on a story previously shared with all of you, which wasn't as accurate as it could have been.

The story I am referring to is the one I posted a month back. Unrequited Love

So, as I explained earlier, It all started when I met this particular woman. I was completely mesmerized. She was, and still is the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. While it was her beauty and smile that attracted me, it was the look in her eyes that captivated me however. For some reason, she was as intriqued by me as I was by her. Of course, while I was confident in my skin as a little kid, I still had a shy personality, so I never dared approach her at first, however... she did approach me several times for some reason, we got acquainted and she then appeared to had taken a genuine interest in me. She made me happy.

We got closer and closer, we got to know about our shared interest in the arts, and music... we had a lot in common. She was always so kind to me. While I had deep and genuine feelings for this woman, eventhough she was approximately ten years older, while I was still but a boy, everything remained very innocent, untill the moment I started developing my skill with a pencil, and brush. She was that canvas beautifuly painted, while everything and everyone else seemed to fade away. She knew this, she knew how I felt for her and I realise now that she took advantage of that. Even at my young age. She frequently asked me to draw her at her place, which I loved to do of course, but after a while... It wasn't simply her facial features she asked me to draw. As time progressed, and as my portraits of her were pilling up like leaves falling from an autumn tree... She would start asking me to draw her as she posed for me nude. So of course I complied. I wasn't aware of the consequences at the time. How could I have been? All I saw, was the woman I had feelings for, sharing something as intimate as such with me. It however did not end there either... It always progressed, and she always took it a step further... to accommodate with the forum rules I won't go into further detail, but I am sure it does not take much to figure out how things went. This continued for approximately 3 years... Now however I discovered that all the while she was actually having real relationships, with grown men of course. Untill the day she just walked away from me without saying a word, as explained more profoundly in my previous story.

So you can see why I believed she also had feelings for me, eventhough apparantly that was all not as genuine as I believed it to be... I won't ever understand why she did this either.

Anway, my question here is... How much can this have affected me? Is this something that might be a cause for my severe depression and self-esteem issues? I can see it as I explained in my past post, but I wonder how much this detail changes things, and how much of an effect it could have had on me, how wrong this was.

*sigh*

This wasn't easy for me to write down, and I hope this was a good decision I made... I am sorry if this does not belong here, since I don't think it actually qualifies as abuse, seeing as its something I did not openly object against at the time.

 

i think you made a good decision, writing this down. sometimes describing your feelings openly like this can help. this does indeed clear things up a bit, and makes that woman seem pretty manipulative. as for if this was 'abuse', i'd say it kind of depends. not 'openly objecting' is one thing, what i think matters more is if you felt reluctant towards this [/thought it was too fast/weren't ready]. i would say that if you implied in any kind of way that you did not want something, then she shud've stopped. any sane person who cares about their partner would.
what i really want you to know tho, is that this is in no way your fault. she was the one not being fair to you, and that doesn't decrease your own 'worth' at all. kind of the same point as i made on your last post. she was the manipulative and using person, not you. tho yes i understand that it might be a cause for low[er] self-esteem, tho i think it should not be. you haven't done anything wrong. i really hope that in time you will be able to get over this, you don't deserve to be messed up over such a woman.

 

Thank you Truthhurts. Not feeling too great at the moment... When I feel like it I will give you the response you deserve...

 

don't worry about replying to me, hehe. i just hope you'll feel better soon.
feel free to contact me if/when you feel like talking^^