I've done a lot of thinking in the hopes of coming to some sort of accord with myself. Some sort of negotiation to release this shroud around me which bars me from imaging and looking forward to any future for myself. At face value, it doesn't seem that stupid really, to think about yourself. And perhaps it isn't, maybe it would've worked if it hadn't been me. Either way, I've 'uncovered' if you will a part of myself which I've either ignored or was utterly unaware of until recently. I bear so much regret. I'm 17, and up until this point I've done nothing significant worth noting even to myself aside from consistently ignoring in a rude fashion every opportunity placed before me. Everyone has their weaknesses and strengths; faults and gifts. The significant of my strengths, what I've been told is frankly a gift throughout my life, is my head. Not in the physical sense, but in the mind. Never to this day had any problem understanding anything academically or beyond, it is really only myself I am not able to fully understand. Science, mathematics, literature and composition all come almost naturally to me. Not only that but I enjoy learning and understanding. I do not inherently understand everything, no, but I am always so quick to understand and comprehend concepts and ideas. Despite this I did not do well 'on paper' in school. Tests were the exception, everything else I never applied myself, I couldn't care do and it didn't matter to me. From my perspective and what I consider fact I ruined a very significant portion of my to-be life. I could have done so much better, I knew that then and I know that now, and yet here I sit. I did this. The blame is as it should be, on me. Unfortunately now in my pursuit towards a stable life a major change has occurred. I am really honestly starting to care about my life, probably out of necessity since at 17 and months away from graduating high school, hopefully. No longer do I not care, and because of this I am filling up with regret. How could I have been so fucking foolish, what kind of halfwit ass had I been to toss away so much potential opportunity? I could have done anything I wanted to, I have no question of that, if I had been in the right state of mind from the beginning. Instead of waiting to drift off into nothing as I exit senior year of high school, I could and should be in giddy anticipation of going to further my education with some of the greatest minds out there at any number of places. The worst part of it all is no one can really understand. Only I can see everything as I see it, with my wants and desires as well as what I have done. Only I really am able to understand how much regret I am weighed down with. There is no way for me to explain it that can be comparable and because of that there is no chance of help. I hope that no one else here or anywhere, now past or future, is faced with the levels of regret I had burdened myself with.