Words on Regret

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by NathanH, Feb 12, 2012.

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  1. NathanH

    NathanH Well-Known Member

    I've done a lot of thinking in the hopes of coming to some sort of accord with myself. Some sort of negotiation to release this shroud around me which bars me from imaging and looking forward to any future for myself. At face value, it doesn't seem that stupid really, to think about yourself. And perhaps it isn't, maybe it would've worked if it hadn't been me. Either way, I've 'uncovered' if you will a part of myself which I've either ignored or was utterly unaware of until recently. I bear so much regret.

    I'm 17, and up until this point I've done nothing significant worth noting even to myself aside from consistently ignoring in a rude fashion every opportunity placed before me. Everyone has their weaknesses and strengths; faults and gifts. The significant of my strengths, what I've been told is frankly a gift throughout my life, is my head. Not in the physical sense, but in the mind. Never to this day had any problem understanding anything academically or beyond, it is really only myself I am not able to fully understand. Science, mathematics, literature and composition all come almost naturally to me. Not only that but I enjoy learning and understanding. I do not inherently understand everything, no, but I am always so quick to understand and comprehend concepts and ideas. Despite this I did not do well 'on paper' in school. Tests were the exception, everything else I never applied myself, I couldn't care do and it didn't matter to me. From my perspective and what I consider fact I ruined a very significant portion of my to-be life. I could have done so much better, I knew that then and I know that now, and yet here I sit.

    I did this. The blame is as it should be, on me. Unfortunately now in my pursuit towards a stable life a major change has occurred. I am really honestly starting to care about my life, probably out of necessity since at 17 and months away from graduating high school, hopefully. No longer do I not care, and because of this I am filling up with regret. How could I have been so fucking foolish, what kind of halfwit ass had I been to toss away so much potential opportunity? I could have done anything I wanted to, I have no question of that, if I had been in the right state of mind from the beginning. Instead of waiting to drift off into nothing as I exit senior year of high school, I could and should be in giddy anticipation of going to further my education with some of the greatest minds out there at any number of places.

    The worst part of it all is no one can really understand. Only I can see everything as I see it, with my wants and desires as well as what I have done. Only I really am able to understand how much regret I am weighed down with. There is no way for me to explain it that can be comparable and because of that there is no chance of help. I hope that no one else here or anywhere, now past or future, is faced with the levels of regret I had burdened myself with.
     
  2. maths

    maths Well-Known Member

    NathanH,

    You are only 17, but your intelligence comes through clearly: you write very well!

    But, NathanH, you are only 17! You still have a lot of time to get what you want out of life, even though you may think otherwise. And I know, I know it is difficult to see this perspective. Do I understand correctly that you feel you wasted high school by not applying yourself and now you cannot go to university (bad marks? didn't apply anywhere? can't afford it?) or some other form of further education?

    You know this, of course, but it does seem obvious that you are quite intelligent. I doubt there is no time to make changes, to further your learning if that's what you want to do. I speak as someone who often felt exactly the same. I did go to university, straight out of high school. But I hated it. I picked the wrong subject, wasted time, dropped out. Thought that was it for any dreams I'd had; I who also, like you, always loved learning. I switched cities, worked unhappy jobs and decided to go back. Picked the wrong subject, again. Switched, again, after a year. Started back in first year at the age of 21 in a new programme. Thought it was all hopeless, I'd never be done, dropped out again. More bad jobs. Moved countries! At 26 (almost a decade past where you are now!) I finally went back to do the subject I love. Completed a masters. Now I'm doing a PhD; nearly done. It's tough, but when my mind is clear of sad thoughts (which it is obviously not always, why else would I be here?), it's the greatest thing of all. So many interesting people, I've seen so many interesting things, and I play with unbelievable ideas all the time, fascinating mathematical objects I couldn't have even dreamed of way back at 17. There is hope, there is!

    maths.
     
  3. NathanH

    NathanH Well-Known Member

    First, let me welcome you as you are not even two weeks here as of yet. I hope your time here proves to be of assistance in whatever form that may take. Also allow me to thank you for your words. They've lead to a lot more thinking, hence my delayed reply, and I'm glad to have input from someone. Thanks.

    It brings some comfort, for lack of a better word, in hearing that you and potentially others experienced or continues to experience such thoughts and feelings. Furthering that, I do understand and accept that there are opportunities I could seize now for a decent if not favorable outcome down the road. Even so, the regrets of my past are not easily escaped. It is more than education and such, if it were so isolated I would perhaps be lucky. As I said, up until this point the only great, notable things I've done are negative in nature. What I'll refer to as my childhood including the now has been so reclusive I've now become almost restricted. I never really did much with others, wasn't the sociable type, at least not after some 'abusive happenings' which I rather forget. A friend in any sense of the word has always been somewhat a rarity with me, and it was always restricted to school save one exception at most. I am now almost to afraid of allowing myself to venture beyond that, I both want those average friendships and fear them. This is something I feel is rooted in my earlier stays from being outgoing, and this is one of my greater regrets.

    I just so desperately wish I could go back. I would give anything to have done almost everything differently. Hindsight on this is so clear for me and any time my mind is free to roam this moves center stage; this desire to just start over. I was foolish, but I understand that I am more foolish to hold so tightly on the want to start over and do it again, better. Despite that, I will not let it go and parts of me don't want to let go of this idea.
     
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