• Apologies for the issue with a bizarre redirect on the site earlier today. There was a large server update and an error in an IP address had the traffic routing wrongly. No hacking or anything nefarious and nothing to worry about. Sorry for any stress/anxiety caused. Very best wishes - SF Admin

Words

Status
Not open for further replies.
#1
I think I've finally lost any kind of hope that things will get better. My life is worthless and there is nothing I can do to fix it at this point. I'm still here for fear of what will happen if “trying things” goes wrong and that's about the only reason.

Realizing I had nothing left to lose I tried to make an appointment to talk with my doctor the other day (twenty years too late but all they would do would be listen to me ramble for five minutes and nothing much more, as a final indignity I'd realize I was more of an idiot that I thought I was hating myself as much as I do already that's not a blow I wanted to volunteer for). But with nothing to lose I tried; to be told all I could get was a phone call with a nurse, (I didn't say why I wanted an appointment – on a street with a queue of people listening is not the place – it's not the receptionist's business anyway). Phone calls are no good for me. So that's it – no hope, no help, nothing. Just days and weeks and months and years more of this... what more is there to do?
 
#2
Hi. I'm sorry to hear you're having suicidal thoughts; they can be very confusing and scary. There is nothing shameful or idiotic (as you suggest) about feeling this way.

It's great that you tried to get some help and I implore you not to give up. You CAN get the help you need for your depression/suicidal thoughts. The current world situation may be making it more difficult, however don't give up. I would recommend you take that phone call with the nurse as they may be able to help you or refer you to where you can get treatment.

As for the moment, this forum is a great place if you want to talk about why you are feeling this way. You will very likely find someone going through a similar situation who can help support you.

Things can get better for you and you can get the help you need, and nothing is unfixable. Sending hugs *hug10.
 

Walker

Admin
SF Social Media
SF Author
SF Supporter
#3
Hi, welcome to SF.
I can't tell where you are from by your message but I'm guessing the UK based solely on a single word of your post.
You sound like many people that come here feeling really, really terrible. Some of those people stick around for a long time because they feel better so I hope that's the case with you as well. I realize that covid is making appointments really difficult right now. I assume that you couldn't get an appointment because of that? (could only get a phone call back, not in person because they're not taking people in the office yet?) So when you say you'll have to wait "years" to feel better it's more likely that the lockdown that's lifting worldwide will let you back into an office, wherever you are, much sooner than that... unless I'm misunderstanding something about your post.
Is there a reason you didn't want to tell them the reason for your appointment? They have heard people many times calling to say they're depressed or anxious -- or that they have much more ominous sounding things! I do get that isn't "none of their business" but they're there to triage the complaints and get people appointments in a particular order of which people need to be seen sooner and later, which does make it their job, if not their "business".
 

BlueGreen

Well-Known Member
#4
Welcome to SF @Insert name here. If you want to ramble, this is the place to do it and we are always here to listen and if you want it, advice and support, or just let things out. I have been to doctors in the past and it can be pretty demoralizing when all they really want to do is give you a prescription and get you out the door. I hope you have the understanding doctor you deserve and need. It may not seem like it now as you do sound very depressed, but things do change for the better, there is always hope. Keep trying with your doctor but in the meantime, there are so many kind and understanding people here to support you.
 

Lara_C

Staff Alumni
SF Supporter
#6
Realizing I had nothing left to lose I tried to make an appointment to talk with my doctor the other day (twenty years too late
to be told all I could get was a phone call with a nurse,
Since your depression seems to be long standing you may need meds, and if so, the nurse will be able to arrange a doctor's prescription for you

Covid has made things more difficult. If you're in the UK, you might find this info from MIND, the mental health charity, on accessing treatment and support, relevant : https://www.mind.org.uk/information...ing-treatment-and-support-during-coronavirus/
 
#7
Thank you all for your kind words. I’ve read them and considered them. I appreciate the advice to keep trying to see a doctor. I just don’t think I can. It feels like there are too many obstacles in the way and I don’t have the energy to fight to get through them. I pushed myself hard to get as far as I did. Even then whilst I queued I could hear everything that was being discussed by others – it’s not an arena I can deal with. Sorry. I also know that there isn’t anything really that they will do and, in the imaginary instance of an interview, I’ll walk out of there feeling foolish and frustrated. I’ve had to see doctors before about other health issues and they don’t really have the ability to do anything (not their fault just the strain of the health service).

I honestly don’t know where I go from here. With or without COVID 19 I think I’ve been on a collision course anyway. With the passing of time my daydreams of being not miserable dim, time runs out for any hope of change (I don’t buy into the blind – things will get better scenario – on the basis of evidence of decades of my life they get worse).

I don’t know why I came here. To relieve frustration, an E-scream? Maybe, I don’t know, I don’t know what I’m looking for. But thank you for your kindness.
 
#8
With the passing of time my daydreams of being not miserable dim, time runs out for any hope of change (I don’t buy into the blind – things will get better scenario – on the basis of evidence of decades of my life they get worse).
I'm younger than you, but I totally relate about the losing hope thing as your life just gets worse as the years go by and having a pattern of bad luck in your life. That's exactly why I feel hopeless about life too. Everything goes wrong eventually no matter what, you feel cursed.

But, saying that, I hope things can improve for you and I'm sorry you feel so bad ♥
 

Daphna

Ninja of light
#9
Thank you all for your kind words. I’ve read them and considered them. I appreciate the advice to keep trying to see a doctor. I just don’t think I can. It feels like there are too many obstacles in the way and I don’t have the energy to fight to get through them. I pushed myself hard to get as far as I did. Even then whilst I queued I could hear everything that was being discussed by others – it’s not an arena I can deal with. Sorry. I also know that there isn’t anything really that they will do and, in the imaginary instance of an interview, I’ll walk out of there feeling foolish and frustrated. I’ve had to see doctors before about other health issues and they don’t really have the ability to do anything (not their fault just the strain of the health service).

I honestly don’t know where I go from here. With or without COVID 19 I think I’ve been on a collision course anyway. With the passing of time my daydreams of being not miserable dim, time runs out for any hope of change (I don’t buy into the blind – things will get better scenario – on the basis of evidence of decades of my life they get worse).

I don’t know why I came here. To relieve frustration, an E-scream? Maybe, I don’t know, I don’t know what I’m looking for. But thank you for your kindness.
Welcome to SF. Stick around and maybe you’ll realize why you are here. Perhaps you can glean some hope and inspiration. You never know, and it’s free.
 

Lara_C

Staff Alumni
SF Supporter
#10
I don’t know why I came here. To relieve frustration, an E-scream? Maybe, I don’t know, I don’t know what I’m looking for. But thank you for your kindness.
You will find a lot of kindness from people here, as well as understanding, so please stay and keep sharing your thoughts with us. I hope that feeling connected to others dealing with the same kind of thoughts and experiences gives some comfort and helps you to keep going. I think its a sign of the times we live in that so many of us are on the verge of giving up on life, but I really think we can care for and help each other to feel there's things which give hope for the future and make life feel worth living, huggs.

I urge you to try to see a doctor despite your misgivings. When I was at my worst I was completely incapacitated and nothing gave the slightest relief until in desperation I decided to try meds. I never believed in magic bullets, but within days, the pain was gone. Not saying everyone responds so quickly, but it can happen. I think my experience shows that depression is a physical illness, a disorder in brain chemistry and functioning, brought on by the problems of living, but that the right meds (and other things like good self care) can restore brain functioning to a healthy state. Please be kind to yourself.
 
Last edited:

Walker

Admin
SF Social Media
SF Author
SF Supporter
#11
I don’t know why I came here. To relieve frustration, an E-scream? Maybe, I don’t know, I don’t know what I’m looking for. But thank you for your kindness.
We're here for that too :) You're perfectly welcome to show up and just bitch and vent and complain. You can join the chat - you can read some post - you can see where others are - you can reply to some threads. You can do it however works best for you, whatever that is.
 
#12
It's all a bit strange if I'm going to be honest with you. I feel the last remnants of my reality beginning to crash down around me. My mood has begun to make me become self destructive which artificially expedites the process. Up until now I've been fighting as best as possible depending on exactly how low I was at the time, but now I have to take some responsibility. It was always going to come to this with or without my help and there have been times over the last long while where I really believe I was well over the line but that's not a story for here. Now I have to face this difficult truth which is something I've managed to avoid until now as I've been pushed that much harder.
I'd decided I was probably not going to return here for many reasons. But in an attempt at self justification I had nowhere else to go to try and find any cathartic comfort. So I apologise.
 
Last edited:
#15
Insert name here
... I too stumbled across this forum when I was feeling completely trapped, stuck, suicidal and totally exhausted by the relentlessness of it all. When I'm in the middle of it all I feel absolutely sure that suicide is the right thing for me to do. To end it all and to stop the cycle. But.... then I get a good day. If not a good day, a glimmer of something ok . Something tiny that just keeps me going. That takes my mind to a different place. And then I manage a little while longer. I just wanted to say you are not on your own. There are still good people in this world. The world can still be a good place. It would be poorer without you in it. Stay around. Things can get better. You are loved x
 

sinking_ship

woman overboard
Forum Pro
SF Supporter
#17
Thanks. I'm no use to anybody else here so have nothing to contribute. Apologies. The more I think about it the more I'm trapped.
Hi, welcome. You don't need to contribute in any way. This place is here however you need it. If you want to rant and ramble, or get input, or give input, or be distracted by more casual talk, or just read and see other similar experiences. We're just glad to have you. *hug
 
#18
..............
I'm not thinking I'm going to feel better. But I've become self destructive... it's frustration I can't channel. I do when I feel like this. This time it feels worse. I know Im doing it and I hate myself because of it. I feel worse. If im not careful I'll go too too far. The above is a line. It means it's where I try and stop. I thought I'd drawn one before. If it's randomly elsewhere sorry. Maybe I need an actual line and it written down somewhere for me to manage? I have to do something.
 

sinking_ship

woman overboard
Forum Pro
SF Supporter
#19
What do you usually do to help yourself calm down? It sounds like your normal coping strategies aren't helping. Or you are too wound up to remember to use them. Maybe me or someone might have a suggestion.
 
#20
I just tried to make an appointment. Mentally its really difficult. I pushed to work up the courge. Politely I asked if I could speak to my doctor, to be told, rather off handly they couldn't help.
When you feel so terrible that trying to get help exhuasts you but regardless you try and make the effort. Why us it they then make it so hard? They say talk to a doctor but when you try you are treated like so idiot but the admin staff and not allowed to. It's pointless. I give up. They don't really care.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.

Please Donate to Help Keep SF Running

Total amount
$255.00
Goal
$255.00
Top