blasted away by your dullard's wit I had to smile. taken aback by your idiot mantra i had to replicate myself to stand by the other to see fully the spectrum of your words i had to make myself unavailable, to walk away to get out and be at one with me because to stay would spell disaster to stay would mean unrest to stay would be lunacy the other arrives and you act as one to bleach your thoughts over the fabrics of insignifigance, self actualize yourselves with nothing to go on, no firmament to rest your feet so that you may stand tall amongst the deserving multitude that you strive to be with. no base, no balance chipping away youve reached within the mantle scorched earth lay before you beyond a million horizons you lay your precious petty diatribe a negative word vomitus screaming in my head to get away putting everything else aside for focus, sharpen the point over and over again to make the seams blend. Pushing the forgotten simplicity in over the ruined thoughts for a fleeting moment of perfection. Heavy do the burdens of my trials weigh on the rotting tongue of all my desires. Tried once and found wanting, tried again and found shattered, tried the last time and found lifeless and stiff, all the while wearing the shroud of anything better. the screams overlay each other again, given one last chance to listen and give in to dead tongue commands. I've put it all into earthen clay pot of life, watching the fissure spread to impossible chasms as the fingers curl into the final fist of disappearing delight. Remembrance and thoughtful placement of words and ideas, scraping by for the final blow that pushes and shoves into oblivion and peace. I've been here before, a hall of mirrors playing curious shadows that darken into obsidion night and finally dissolve into the last pretense of purest black. Baring my back to the flogging of tears that will never come, im braced to the point of tedium, waiting for the weight of your pulsating light to splinter me like the broken bough of the oldest tree. ive waited patiently for this, deluded myself into believing whatever may come may be better than what was and that i may triumph and wrap myself in the majesty of your music. music that breaks me in half after all i've done for it, music that pierces my being and splits me in all directions before drawing me back into this creaking and unstable mess. solitude provides no comfort as the ripples gain their distance and distort the reflection that should have been left alone. pushing on through the blasted lands of my mind and heart, leaving no room to breathe and no room to rest. emptiness the reward for perseverence, shall i delude myself again? Shall i bring myself foreward and lay myself bare to the ignorance of all my worldy naivety? I cant do this anymore, my mind has become the darkest tomb of trick and trial. the trembling body, the trembling heart, the trembling mess of imperfection and heatfelt insult, the wired speach of all who are above, making me to belive all they say, no matter what i know different. the long run has run out, twenty five and still going, no direction, broken past and withered tries. weigh the promises of the past against the weight of future sorrow and regret, repair the frayed vocal chords of the old, screaming lover so that i may bask in the glory and putrid solemnity of the face that screams into, over and through everything that i am. hang this feeble noose to prevent anything more, i am so sick of everything that could be, fighting for nothing, going round for round against an invisible enemy that never tires, only seems to feign understanding to give a semblance of false hope against the cruelty inherent to just being. Mock the sunburnt patriot of hope that paved the way for this cocophony of life, and break the shoulders of the shrugging, indifferent multitude that always goes out of its way to lay its presence on my brow. rising up and moving over, breaking through the sick repetition only to slide further into the reality that always proves one never changes, one only becomes more fully who one really is. baring it all for the overpassing, constant tounge to overcome the withered desires. express it in your over-zealous rituals, blind to whatever comes next. bringing myself over the waves of expression, hidden too long inside the sleeves of anxiety. finding it too hard yet, someday ill get the nerve to be myself again. it stings so bad that its beyond numbness, coming full circle with the pain, focus on the sphere of life, the cacophany of lines overlapping one more time. creation is inevitable, only negativity prevails. virgin smiles on the tips of our pretenses, self actualize all that was... screaming the beloved chorus, laying myself waste to sarcasm one more time. serious self punishment in full swing, ten thousand different conexts for the same damn thing. the incomprehensible, unexplainable and sometimes uncontainable feelings i have are no use. Theres no one there to go out of their way, theres no one there to focus. Force me and break me, steal my strength and cut me in two, i was never meant for this! Loop my belief and circle back to the continuing meaningless noise, i would be free of it, i would take myself away, you have too much, you have it all. Make it stop and wonder just so i can have some peace, i love too much, i care too much, make me numb, make me cold, make me different and turn my strength against me. I wont hold on and i wont be there, i cant suffer myself to take this in anymore. Time stood still, a million weights, pinpoints of density....infinite. The scream has reached it's peak, echoing on and on into oblivion, my uninvited companion. Shocked and thrown backwards, nothing could be this way! Re-define reality, re-define friendship, re-define it all, the signifigance is staggering and i'll be reeling inside forever. I'll dance to the tune, outside myself and forcing my numb eyes to regard my being with the impatient glow of loss. Beckon me no more! You leave me with this messy wasted ovation, dying out, dead, not even a memory. Inside my head i listen for any signifigance, pushing aside what i cant do without, i'll be gone before its over. Swinging, breaking through, stepping over and forcing some wicked understanding on everything thats left out, i cant do this anymore, i cant be that anymore. I see with a focused vision, no time to explain the vastness to the spectators, cold, unfeeling, not even there. its always one thing after another. The great purveyor of the lone stream, damming its intentions and watching it swallowing itself dry. Nothing can be done about the pain of loss and regret. Speak to me in tongues, i'll feign understanding and go about my way. Time passes regardless, my breath grows quiet and heavy. Dreams on the verge of spilling their ivory waters, the tug of war continues, my brain the rope thats dry and taught, screaming for the final break, sweet release. Skip past my beautiful life, watch me pass into forever and never give it a second thought. I'll bow to the lover, who always teases, out on the brink of some horizon i'll never reach. I can't stop myself, i can't bring myself to continue, i can't move, i can't think. Screams echo and overlay, the precious cacophony that brings me my only peace. Laughter so far away, not even a thought of it left to dance around the crooked spine of my fluid present. The here and now is too powerful to wash away at night, hopes only chance is to remain quiet and gone, away from the spirals i now find myself standing outside of. thinking through the reasons, circling my hopes and attaching signifigance to everything. life spins and im on the edge, centrifical force rewarding the outsider, i'll just let go. It could have been simple, it could have been sane, but no rewards for the vigilant tonight. screaming inside so much louder than your voice could ever make up for, it goes on and on, leaving solitude for the fortunate. Bring me my wishes, bring me my fears, reject me and tell me what i am. I'm teased by the old lover, yet again. Known and scrutinized, its all beyond my comprehension. Insignifigance the bottomless pit, the dark hollow that beckons and invites me to try it again. Bury my face in a page, bury my body in the heat of intensity, hopelessly twisted, strained to the brink and giving in, ill just let go, i should... Swing to the left, try to bite the bullet that i used to ride. Back and forth, tension lines scorching air around my life, and im lost. Thin strings cast their friction simultaneously, thick and wet, kiss me goodbye again. I'll stain myself for this one, become more than i need, less than i want, cast myself further to the tiny, still end. the way things went...i would have chosen a different path. Blind promises and insecure thruths, decisions thrust this way or that. Brings about to itself a confused meaningfulness, boldening the real text for extra emphasis. Words stabbed into our being, over and through, violently with grace. Overcome what was static, become the silk flight of the betawave's tongue. Screaming on and on, bleeding through and managing. No one wants to live like this, how could you think id want to as well? Beyond the pitching of blackened time the scorching of our being picks out the most wonderful of scenes, only to be covered in the darkness of anger and fear. Rejecting the rejections breeds stillness, which seems bitter and warm, falsehoods freed and put down for good, come with me and rest, i will always love you.