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Work...is it the cause?

Discussion in 'Work and Financial Problems' started by Sad_Ireland, Nov 18, 2017.

  1. Sad_Ireland

    Sad_Ireland Member

    I just have to get this off my chest.

    I know it's not the centre of the universe but I spend a lot of time at work. Since January 2017 I've been working part time (2 or 3 days a week only) mostly because I find the atmosphere at work so bad for my depression. The staff is very cliquey and though I have some friends (only 2 or 3 I really trust) and do my work well, there is a group and one in particular person who is definitely someone I see as bullying me and undermining me both personally and professionally.

    I know it's easy to think going elsewhere would make things better but it is a possibility in my field and I just want to escape it.

    There's a lot more I want and need to say but using my CBT coping mechanisms can only take me so far but this time of year, or when my nearing suicidal depression is kicking in, this type of behaviour and atmosphere is toxic for me.

    I just want to escape from there.
    sassy123 likes this.
  2. Tired and trapped

    Tired and trapped Well-Known Member

    What's the management structure like? Would they make steps to try and help you find a resolution or is it more difficult than that? I have the same problem with work, want to escape but it's far from easy.
  3. Sad_Ireland

    Sad_Ireland Member

    It would be easier for me to transfer to another location than change things. The main ringleader is very very sneaky and is constantly undermining my work, setting up situations where it can be made to look as if I've not done what I was meant to do (when in fact, it's her that's been poor at his/her job), talking about me negatively to coworkers, spreading very vile rumours about me about my personal life (my family, my child, personal matters), looking at my social media (now blocked but she finds people who can see because we're mutual friends and asks questions of them about my postings--I've now disabled FB because of it) and commenting in strange ways...it's actually the type of thing that if you heard it without knowing the motivations you mightn't realise that it's actually devious and might just think it's observations or simple chat...there is no way to completely avoid this person and we're both at the place of work for the next 18 years until my retirement. The person is very well connected via previous nepotism with family members on staff who will back up the person no matter how cruel they are and get others on board, too. I have 2 close friends who see it all and several other less close friends who have reported back to me things that have been said and done but in order to keep things cordial and not betray their trust, I've kept the things they've told me to myself and shut down all avenues for information to be shared (ie social media, telling no one anything about my life at work, etc) but this is no way to live...

    My point is, prior to working there, I did not have depression and it was a previous boss who bullied me that triggered childhood trauma and my first bout of a critical depressive episode in 2006 and it's been up and down and mostly down since then...the person knows this and seems to take pleasure in making me go close to the edge. The person was passed over for a promotion and thinks I've somehow had a hand in it, though I am not the person who was promoted over him/her, I did support the person who got the job over him/her, not vocally, but the person who got it was the best person for the job.

    Anyway, there is certainly a lot of projection going on and I've had problems with this before but in this case, my friends at work, my sounding boards are telling me, YES, it's actually happening.
  4. Tired and trapped

    Tired and trapped Well-Known Member

    I fucking hate office politics, it's an extension of the school playground most times. Like you said though it's tough to change the situation and if it isn't being recognised by management it's a tough thing to deal with.

    I used to let my Machiavellian side out and play the game better than they did. Sometimes that was the only option. Whatever you choose to do make sure it doesn't negatively impact you, don't let the bastards win!
  5. Sad_Ireland

    Sad_Ireland Member

    Yes, you're exactly right, it's completely a head fuck. Mostly I'm able to play the game except when I'm really really depressed. In those times, I just want to go and cry in the loo. The thing is, this is seen as a weakness and I can't, at times, even keep it together enough to not cry so all I can do is avoid even going to the lunch room so it's isolating full stop.
  6. Tired and trapped

    Tired and trapped Well-Known Member

    And there's just no need for it either is there, that's what used to piss me off. We're adults, it's not hard to act like one! Some people just seem to get enjoyment or make themselves feel better by creating problems for others. Fuck those people man.
    Sad_Ireland likes this.
  7. Sad_Ireland

    Sad_Ireland Member

    I feel so much better that you understand!
    Thanks so much...talking to someone else who has had this experience makes so much difference. Most people, including my husband say, 'Fuck them. Who gives a fuck what they say/do?' but I'm just NOT THERE yet.
  8. Tired and trapped

    Tired and trapped Well-Known Member

    No worries, i'm glad you feel better about it.

    We all have different ways of dealing with things. I used to get so stubborn and petty with them in my old office, it bordered on ridiculous. You don't need to be there if that's not the way you are, but I do like your husband's way of thinking!
    Sad_Ireland likes this.
  9. Kiwi2016

    Kiwi2016 Forum Pro

    I too work in a toxic and dysfunctional work place so can fully relate to all that you are saying. And seem to spend inordinate amount of my energy/time in trying to navigate myself through the ever changing maneuvering and actions to criticize all that I do by one individual who has the full support of management. Like you my husband has the same attitude/reaction. I am gradually getting to the point where I realize that this toxic person has such a personal vendetta which I believe is rooted in her own insecurities that there really is no way to counter it except to continue to try to do my job as best I can and avoid as much contact as possible. Wondered if it'd be possible to talk to your HR department about the situation? Encourage you to keep posting as we're all here to listen. Sending you hugs.
    Sad_Ireland likes this.
  10. Rockclimbinggirl

    Rockclimbinggirl SF climber Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    It sounds like work could be a factor. I hope you can get it sorted out soon.
    Sad_Ireland likes this.
  11. Sad_Ireland

    Sad_Ireland Member

    Thanks Rockclimbinggirl, kiwi2016 and TiredandTrapped for understanding...I've been really considering all that you've said and it's relly true. it's become, as kiwi2016 said, now, a personal vendetta this person has against me and on the same day, two digs to me privately, then I walked in to a private convo where she was talking about me behind my back...the nice guy I work with (who she thinks backs her but doesn't) was coughing and ahem-ing to get her to stop and recognise I was just standing behind her as she was telling them about a minor very tiny mistake I'd made (so small, it was actually funny and didn't affect anyone except me) jsut to make me look bad...in one way, the whole scenario was good because it put into perspective for the 'audience' she was performing for that ALL her comments about me are just way over the top and unnecessary and they were all super super nice to me for the rest of the week and now they see that I've been her victim this whole time. As I'm someone who is known to have depression (hospitalised for same) they're compassionate (mostly) people who would not want to be a party to encouraging/aiding/abetting bullying or ganging up on anyone let alone someone who has been previously suicidal. Anyway ...telling HR, we don't really ahve HR, only one boss., who knows what she's like but he just says, 'Ignore her; she's just so jealous of you because your'e so accomplished/successful/clever/good at your job and she is not.'...that only goes so far when it's now become a daily task to avoid her barbs and snide comments. these are the things she's saying ot my face but the things she is saying behind my back to colleauges are worse a they are personally and professionally damaging and so hurtful.

    :( Sorry so long getting back, I wasa away for work. Short respite from it.
  12. Kiwi2016

    Kiwi2016 Forum Pro

    It is good that your colleagues understand...know doesnt change situation nor her actions but at least others will/should not really listen to her. Sorry your boss doesnt want to address it as it should be but if you document her actions would imagine at some point she will start to do this to others and then maybe your documentation could be useful. Sending you hugs
  13. Kiwi2016

    Kiwi2016 Forum Pro

    Just thought would check in on you to see how you were doing...sending you hugs...
  14. Jasonpi

    Jasonpi Well-Known Member

    Great posts and really hits home for me also. Exact actions just the specifics are somewhat different. The theme remains the same though... I'm not in an office setting anymore, havent been for decades, but the politics of unkind people remain the same in business at all levels and only 1 thing will change it: threaten their source of income. IMHO tgat is cos they can't be civil.. And i take my depression and reverse it and go on the attack, i just dont know when that switch is gonna flip. Being an older somewhat large male with decades of experience in business and trying to live a spiritual life i have to recognize that some people are emotionally sick BUT are not trying to get better, hence my flight or fight instincts.

    I wait, get stepped on, wait, plead, console, etc... then in a blind instant i go from flight to in their face with no time for them to react and i retaliate legally and let it be known im prepared to take the matter to the most extreme scenario possible. And i dont stop, the rage has reached its' boiling point, the adrenaline is beyond belief, and wether i have had to file a complaint with HR or call my attorney or put a firm at risk for undue diligence, or go to the absolute corporate top, i go freakin ballistic. I never know when its going to happen, i never act angry, i just go on attack/defense mode.

    In my readings and learning and study, under pressure males will "only" use flight or fight. Females are geared to flight, fight or the 3rd instinct: compliancy. Everytime a bully is attacking me and i stay compliant that mimics my depression mode of anger turning inward and i freeze.

    I'll admit i learned all this by believing in my worthless low self-esteem when i was broken as a child. When i have to kiss up to people in a business setting i am smooth as can be. But once that RADAR inside me starts picking up that im dealing with a narcissist bully i just gather intel and snap, but ive been self trained to be professional, calm, factual, all the while enjoying watching the bullies looking blindsided and dishevelled. Trick for me is to use equal force calmly with facts.

    Sounded harsh when i used to really sublimate my depression, now its a working part of my business life. But i am prepared to see it through to the end. I was surprised when i first started standing up to bullies: they back down because their posse doesnt know the risk of the gamble and arent prepared to lose THEIR source of income. Scary as heck at 1st, and im still in the thick of the battle, but i know to stay calm because going legally ballistic is always a last option. Big companies could care less when they fire 25,000 employees, so i refuse to let anyone emotionally intimidate me. I had to get thick skin, im looking at one explosion i just had last year. Backed em off and it didnt kill me. Life is competition and conflict and there's ah**les out there. Sometimes it pays off when im willing to call a bullies bluff and risk it all.

    I am in total empathy with the victims of these social predators in the marketplace.. may we all find the source somewhere to fight back intelligently and calmly when needed.
  15. Miriam

    Miriam Active Member

    1. What is the anti-bullying legislation in Ireland for employees? In Australia, providing you could get evidence and witness statuary declaration - you could have a case against the petty woman who has been stalking you on social media, bullying and undermining you in the workplace. (Write down statements documenting the times and dates the incidents occurred and any witnesses).
    2. You mentioned planning to work there for another 18 years. If the situation remains the same or escalates will you be able to cope? What are your organisational protocols like? Can you write feedback? Write a factual email documenting real examples and witness testimonies to your CEO and manager, emails are legal documents which are audited and have to be followed up. Read up on anti-bullying legislation as well.

    also get a letter from your psychiatrist or psychologist and GP documenting the onset of your depression and stress - as at the same time this immature woman began her campaign against you.

    Sorry to hear about your situation. I have zero tolerance for schoolyard antics in the workplace! We have enough to deal with at work!