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Work Relationship Issue

Discussion in 'I Need Some Practical Advice' started by StillSurviving, Mar 4, 2018.

  1. StillSurviving

    StillSurviving Well-Known Member

    So, just looking for a little advice. I've discussed this with work colleagues but I need to speak to someone outside of work and I don't know many people, none of which I can talk about this to.

    In January I fell out with someone at work over something silly. She's actually my Assistant Manager, I didn't like the way she did something, I had a go at her, we then cleared the air and it was sorted, to the point where colleagues were laughing and joking about it - I was over it.

    We then had a little falling out again a couple of weeks later, but that was sorted quite quickly too.

    Colleagues have noticed she's had an issue with me for some time. I tried to approach her but didn't know how to, so my manager and supervisor decided to have a word. We then had a meeting on Tuesday, just me and this lady. It took about an hour an a half, but we appeared to clear the air but both said we needed to adjust slightly. She gave me a hug which took me off guard but I thought it went pretty well.

    Wednesday comes and it was a tough day for everyone as it was stock take day. One of the stock takers decided to miss the toilet bowl and not clean it up, and I went ballistic. I did fire off at three other people before I fired off at her, but she took it badly - she didn't know at that time I had spoken to three others about it, but she was taken aback.

    I didn't then see her until yesterday (Saturday) and it was frosty, like it has been most shifts for the past two months.

    Only 4 of us were working yesterday - a mixture of holiday and the poor weather and after 1pm, it was just 3 of us.

    It reaches 1pm and she's a few minutes left on her lunch and my boss calls her downstairs early in a misunderstanding, she starts freaking out but when explained she calms down a little. She then asks the person leaving at 1pm if he has 5 minutes before he goes to sort something out regarding rotas, he says yes but then something happens, she starts being all scatty and the lad who is leaving and I look at each other in a case of "WTF?", she sees his face and says forget it, tells him to go or she's going to start crying. He leaves, she does then start crying, but tries to hide it. I try to talk to her, she fobs me off, I go to lunch.

    In the afternoon it is just me and her downstairs. We chat for about two hours whilst working discussing the problem and somehow I may her cry two more times. I say I don't have an issue with her, she then picks up on things I say and don't say and twists them into something else, something that suggests I think she is the problem.

    I've offered my resignation. Of those in the workforce i've spoken too, they all say i'm one of the strongest workers and they don't want me to leave. My boss wants neither of us to leave, but she is now considering leaving too. If I do go, I have no job and nothing, so it really isn't financially viable to do so.

    I didn't have an issue with her until now. Sure, I fell out with her twice. I fall out with everyone. My boss said yesterday that sometimes I make him look like Mr Happy, and he's a self professed miserable bastard! I am up and down, that's mental health.

    We did work out between us that we are very alike as people. Very alike. We're both insecure, sensitive, fiesty, had difficult childhoods, do and say the wrong things....but we both have big hearts and I think we kind of understand each other a bit more now - after all, she was the one that said we are very alike.

    But I am confused. I shouldn't be - we are alike, I should understand a bit more?

    She said some nice things about me - i'm nice, a good worker, I mask my illnesses well and people with 'lesser' illnesses are sat at home watching TV, funny, good to work with, kind and she doesn't want me to leave. She even said rather than leave, change my days and hours and as she does the rotas, she'd shift herself on so I always worked with her. I'm also her 'buddy' in that the area I work in, I am her number two. She is moving to a different role in April, although I would still work with her loads in the same building and she wanted me to move over to the new role with me as still her number two, but in the new role.

    I'm confused as I don't know if she is just being nice or whether she means it and is just saying it now there is a problem. She also sometimes counters it with a weird comment or two, maybe to not make it sound like she's being too nice.

    Other colleagues think she is the one acting weird and I am just being normal. I'm making more of an effort to make the most of the situation and to try and rebuild a working relationship that was good for 11 months. She talks nicely and then next shift we are both walking on eggshells and we manage to offend each other and it's back to square one again and yesterday I made her cry three times....and i'll be honest, it really upset me and it's on my mind constantly and I fear her leaving, because despite the issues of the last two months, I do really like working with her.

    So....what to do? This relationship is so unpredictable and I don't know what to expect next, but it's making the workplace difficult to be in for both of us and our colleagues.

    For the record, she is married with kids (although not hugely happy I don't think, content maybe), so it's not something that can turn into anything and not something I have thought about in that way too much (I have a little because of how alike we are, but it wouldn't work, even if she were interested, and she wouldn't be) though this weeks talking has made me care about her a lot more - I see the same insecurities and vulnerabilities that I have - how can I not care about someone who feels things in the same way I do? I know it's hard to be me, so it must be hard for her to be her.

    I've gone on for far too long, I've missed out loads i'm sure, but I don't know what to do. I don't want to leave, I don't want her to go, but we keep falling out.....I just needed to sound off....
  2. JulieDegraw

    JulieDegraw Well-Known Member

    Keep it professional. Only talk about work related things and not personal problems. Put some music in your ears to distance yourself from future fall outs.
  3. StillSurviving

    StillSurviving Well-Known Member

    She's the only that always starts talking about personal things, always asking what i've been up too etc etc, commenting on my fragrance, jewellery etc. What I forgot to say above (I think) is that she has seen me laughing with everyone else and then I don't laugh with her, so if I don't with her, she notices, she gets upset.

    I did say I was going to withdraw a bit and she said that's fine, go to 'X' and 'Y' instead, in a sarcastic and hurt tone.

    Music isn't an option, we aren't allowed it as we have external people coming in all the time. We are a close knit team, not far from each other all the time and need to be able to communicate. I am one of the two heads of security too, so I have to be alert, but do often have the security radio.

    Thanks for your reply.
  4. JulieDegraw

    JulieDegraw Well-Known Member

    It makes sense about the music.

    It is a very hard balance sometimes with co workers because a lot of time is spent with them. Me and my colleagues also talk about life outside work but we have invisible boundaries as to not get too personal. I think you do too from what i can read. She seems to have some issues with jealousy which doesn't belong in a workspace. Not all personalities click and i think it's very professional of you to deal with the issues and fall outs in an open manner instead of talking behind her back. If you can, ignore her sarcastic jealous comments. Don't quit your job over this. You're the one with a right mind.
    StillSurviving likes this.
  5. Seems she has some mental health issue to me.
    StillSurviving likes this.
  6. StillSurviving

    StillSurviving Well-Known Member

    We don't usually get too personal, but most of my colleagues talk about their personal lives. This lady likes too a lot, about what she's doing and been doing, but she asks a lot of questions too. Sometimes she seems interested in replies, sometimes it seems like she is asking so you ask her what she's been up too. I'm not sure what she has to be jealous of, she is the one with the husband, kids, house, cars etc etc. Half of my colleagues live with parents or rent their homes and are unmarried, like myself. She's one of the 'sorted' ones. I know all those things don't mean everything is hunky dory, but until recently she's seemed so settled and now she is so emotional. It's taken a year of working with her to see underneath I suppose.

    I'm just sad as we got on so well before. Now I can't do right and now i'm just being careful all the time and i'm mis-reading her now.

    I can't quit, I can't afford too and although everyone is either on my side, or at least sees i'm not in the wrong, I feel very uncomfortable.

    I'm not sure. She's definitely insecure and very emotional.
  7. So am I, and I have Borderline Personality, social anxiety, depression, and substance abuse problems. That's my point, lol.
    StillSurviving likes this.
  8. StillSurviving

    StillSurviving Well-Known Member

    I don't know. I wish i'd never raised my concerns as all I seem to have done is upset her :(
  9. JulieDegraw

    JulieDegraw Well-Known Member

    Jealous of what you and the other colleagues have. Laughing together as you mentioned. Being a team
    StillSurviving likes this.
  10. StillSurviving

    StillSurviving Well-Known Member

    I've no idea why she would be. She's a big part of the team, respected and liked by most I think. She joins in the laughs often. She's not the funniest but she makes an effort, we are just less naughty around her as she's a little bit innocent.

  11. Walker

    Walker Everything Zen Staff Member Safety & Support SF Social Media SF Supporter

    Did you say she's leaving to a new area in April? I vote to let this all mellow out til she leaves to the new area and then REALLY let it chillax once she's gone. Your space will be free of her and you can all have a good time again. She'll be in a new area of the building and she's free to build new relationships with folks there as well.
    Maybe she's got a thing for you in some weird way. Or maybe she's just weird. Either way, back up once she's gone.
    StillSurviving and JulieDegraw like this.
  12. StillSurviving

    StillSurviving Well-Known Member

    A new role. Same building, will see her just as much, if not more.

    I don't think she has a thing for me, I just think we are very alike and clash. Underneath it all she's a very sweet woman, she's just on edge all the time. When she's calm, she's lovely but she has her back put up easily.