I always fantasize about some apocalypse scenario where the world ends: meteors, viruses, etc. I want everything to stop. I'm so scared right now and alone. I've been waiting for this ailment to end forever. Waiting to jump up restart my life, have my life as it was. Such silly, stupid waiting: with such pointless moments hope and even elation, when i sense a (false) remission that gives me a path back to a life worth living. I think finally i should stop waiting. All the stupid moments of hope i had during the waiting has always been brutally crushed by the physical reality of my body. I don't want to wait anymore, I can't. Please make it all stop.