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World Spins On

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Kaspazzy, Jul 2, 2012.

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  1. Kaspazzy

    Kaspazzy Active Member

    There are so many things I would like to tell my family. Friends..anyone. I just wanna let it out and just vent to someone but every time I do, I'm told to shut up. What frustrates me is that they tell me to do this when I need to let it out, then when I try to commit suicide, they rush to my side and give me **** for not saying a thing. So I hope nobody minds but I would really like to write out just what I want to say to them, what I want to tell them if they where ever to listen:

    To my parents:
    Do you have any idea what you make me feel like on a day to day basis? My stupid sisters get to go out and have their own lives. They get to go out and do what they want to as adults but I get to sit here, crying my eyes out, being angry, being hateful and jealous because I have to take care of HER kids while you guys get to complain about your sally sob story lives. No one ever wanted to help ME when I was in a crisis from the ages 13 to 19, no they did not. But as soon as everyone else is in a crisis, they get to talk about how they feel and what they want to happen and how i'm supposedly going to wave my magic wand and make everyone happy again. I can't do that. I am one person. I told you to go to therapy, get some relaxation done..I even told you NOT to take in the kids. Why? Because you two can not do it alone.

    I want to do something with my life and I should've been there already but because YOUR lives are ruined I have this obligation to fix it for you. I'm not going to fix it. I'm not. I'm not going to stick around for someone who never cared for me at all, who never bothered to try and figure out things for me, who never cared for me when I came out of the closet and was being attacked by 30 8th graders in High School. No one cared for me then so why should I care for you now? You know..all you guys have is depression. You can get rid of that if you took ahold of your own life. I have Schizophrenia and Bipolar. The two worst things anyone could have, the rarest thing that anyone could have and it's 100% incurable and you ***** about how you have depression? Woopie!! Congratulations you can be cured have a good life OH WAIT! You already had your life.

    You already got to be what you wanted to be. Me? I get to take care of your decisions. I get to take care of your problems while I could be out there living my life the way I want. You sit there and treat me like I'm that ugly faced troll that lives downstairs sucking off moisture from the brick walls hence, you treat me like a 12 year old that can't make their own decisions. Why don't you just strap a ****ing ball and chain to my leg? I have to pay all my good hard earned work out of my ***hole because you feel like it's okay to take things that you need. I needed parents, where where you? I grew up by myself right in front of you and you wonder why I'm so angry and hateful towards everyone? Sometimes I wonder if I even have Schizophrenia and Bipolar. What if it's just the repression of trying to deal with myself and you guys at the same time? No? No? If you sat down and took the time to talk to me I would tell you but you won't. You never did..so don't ask me what's wrong. Don't ask me questions to which you already know the answers to.

    To my ex gf:

    You told me to be open and honest with you. That was your first two rules to us having a great relationship. I loved you. I trusted you. I cared for you and I even went from my work - which by the way I was extremely drained from after - to your house just to be with you. You asked me what was wrong every day and all I was, was tired. I just wanted to sleep and you assumed that something was wrong inside my head. I let you do the things the way that you wanted to do, I even let you talk to your ex girlfriend over Facebook. I was being open and honest. I hated her. I hated what she did to you but you didn't even consider taking my feelings towards that situation into consideration. It hurt to know that you could've been possibly cheating on me but I let it go. You made me feel wanted and loved and cared for..like it was alright to be the way I was..it was alright to breath and sleep. You made me feel like I wanted to live again and never want to die. I thought about you every day all day and I couldn't have asked for more. What killed me was when you finally ended it with me for absolutely no reason at all and then told me that everything was my fault, ripping my heart right out of my chest. I couldn't understand. You then told me just to forget everything, like nothing happened.

    You know what you made me feel like at that point? Like I didn't matter. Like I wasn't special. And on top of it, you lied to me. You lied to me A LOT and on top of THAT, you where never open with me. I felt like I was ready to die. You sat there and told me not to die over you but I wasn't going to kill myself for you. I was going to kill myself for what you did to me. Made me feel like I was worth it, that I had a purpose in life and then end it like nothing ever happened. Now you want me to buy tickets for you and pay for your things at gay pride? F*** you. F***. YOU. I am not your girlfriend anymore. I am not your good friend anymore. You barely talk to me, let alone answer my texts and then end up with some ridiculous excuse as to why you couldn't like " I had to clean my room" or " I had to go shopping with my mom." You had to clean your room? Oh when was the last time you did that, when you where 12? and You had to go "shopping" with your mom.Again.For the 15th time this week and it's only Sunday. Wow I thought your mom had to pay for your collage tuition that left her in debt and you yourself had to pay the government your debt load too. You sit there and complain about it but then you go off and buy **** at the dollar store. Yeah and now you don't have a job, which you told me I needed a job to make a living and pointed fingers and laughed at me for it..well haven't the tables turned now?

    You know I was going to get a job to help you out of your debt load as a really nice girlfriend but since we're not together anymore you can just forget about that. Now that you're done with your hairdressing - you know - the one that your mom paid for and your family went under for it - why don't you take up something a lot more expensive like marine biology? OH you are? Yeah that's pretty smart of you. Go to collage with the money you have to pay to both the hairdressing school and the government. Good for you..*****.
  2. EisNayk

    EisNayk Well-Known Member

    what is with the world today? can people just not stay with somebody because they love them or is everyone just trying to use you?
  3. Kaspazzy

    Kaspazzy Active Member

    Basically, everyone is using me. I've always been sure that they only care because they need me for their own personal problems. When they don't need anything, I'm ignored. I try to make them so proud all the time and it just seems like God like to troll me or something. He makes it like everything is going good in life and then BAM..everything falls apart. I'm so sick of failing that I don't feel like trying anymore.

    I'm tired of everything. I've tried for 12 years for help, love and a life. Everything is the same. Why bother living if I have nothing to live for? Why bother sticking around for a lost hope? Why bother living just to fail? There is no point to life. My life was ruined when I was diagnosed with my disorders and nothing is ever going to get better. That's just the fate I can either live with or kill right now.
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