Chew-Toy Manifesto I once told a psychologist about the time I was raped. I asked her what I could do to make myself feel better, less disgusting. She picked her fingernail and lazily flicked the dirt in my direction."Lots of people are raped," she said, rolling her eyes and shifting impatiently. "Can't you just, you know, get over it, like they do?" I had just been handed my rape bootstraps. That's the life of a chew-toy. I've just realised that my step-father has been systematically undermining my confidence in myself over the past 2 months so that I would stay in what is essentially a prison another year. He's f^cking gaslighting me, and f^cking stupid me fell for it. I can't stand these mind games any more: I've had 25 years of this, it's never going to get better. I won't be able to go back to Australia this year, or next year, or ever. I'll have to teach in this disgusting third-world school in this disgusting third-world country until I die. I'll have to teach until I die. I will never have the confidence to try for another job. I have no friends to help me.My family find me despicable. He and my mother, and everyone else on this planet, tell me I'm a horrible person - that's why I've been so miserable all my life. Psychologists and psychiatrists tell me this too - the "get confident, stupid!" approach. That if I just put on a happy smile and clap my hands and join in all the funs I'll be happy. I've tried. I've tried. Please believe me I try. I've tried to better myself. I've tried to socialise. All I get is "you're terrible, you could do better, why aren't you blond and perfect like everyone else?" It's worn me down. Whatever I do, it's the subject of insult. Wherever I go, someone will cut me down. It's like they think: "Oh, there's that person with zero friends, no family, a shit job that keeps her working 24/7, zero prospects, an ugly face/body - oh, and she's adopted and Asian[SUP]*[/SUP] to boot. She obviously needs to be taken down a peg or two." He told me a few hours ago that I shouldn't think of myself as special, that was my problem. All the girls I went to school with have the "special" things I want: a job they can tolerate that pays a living wage and allows them some time off, a husband, children or pets if they like, a house, hobbies and friends. Apparently wanting any one of these things is extraordinary, they're not for the likes of me. Of I'm sad that I haven't got them well, that's what I deserve for being so horrible plus I'm also entitled to extra penalties for being depressed at all! I understand that the world doesn't owe me a living. But does it have to kick me about and rub my nose in the fact that I'm not perfect? I need to die to escape this. I've started researching methods again. It's not so much suicide as an act of mutiny. The world loves to kick me about, I will remove myself from my tormentors. From the past treatment of me I know they hate it when I try to commit suicide - I'm removing the source of their entertainment! Please don't judge me. I'm 35 and so, so tired of being the world's chew-toy. * Fugly South Asian, not pretty, delicate East Asian.