Worn Down

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Inferis83, May 20, 2007.

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  1. Inferis83

    Inferis83 New Member

    First of all, I'm not broken, but life has worn me down to a nub of a person. I just feel like I'm treading water and I'm getting very, very tired.

    I've been depressed since I was about seven. I always knew that the way I always felt low was not healthy but my mom has a lot of emotional and mental issues and psychiatry never helped her so I was scared to ask for help.

    I spent about 10 years without any, any friends. Just alone and lonely. I also experienced emotional and phsyical abuse form family members and just the general public.

    I moved out and went to college and I was so naive, I thought that this new opportunity would fix all my problems. I was so crushed when I didn't make any friends and I stopped going to classes and just dropped out. I moved home and eventually moved half a continent away to get a new start. I changed my whole life and everything about myself to make me like myself. In the process I made *friends* but they all betrayed me and stabbed me in the back. Some literally. I ended up having 2 attempted murders on me by (1) People I knew, and (2) A guy who I thought of like my brother. I loved this guy with my whole heart, gave him the clothes off my back literally and he betrayed me.

    I am 24 and I've never had a date. I'm no virgin but I can never get someone to get in a relationship and all I ever wanted was someone to love me and I can love them back.

    Anyway, I was really depressed and I started using alot of hard drugs and this was the first time I ever felt alive or joy. That only depressed me more because it was so fleeting. I dropped the drugs but my life was in such a huge tailspin i quit my job a few months later and did nothing for 5 months. I got another job and lasted 4 days because it's like, "What am i working for?"

    I have no friends, no desires, my soul is so crushed in despair i have no dreams of anything i'd even like to do. I just have no reason to live and every reason to end it.

    I'm living with my dad now and everytime my sister or parents try to tell me why to live i can see even they don't believe it. My parents fully expect me to commit suicide i think, and so does my sis.

    I've made 3 attempts in the last 3 months and i'm tempted to try again. But it'll be permanent this time.
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