the main thing is, i don't know if i still have a job. i was working as a seasonal worker at toys'r'us, but they knew from the get go that i was hoping to get a permanent position afterwards (they asked me). well, monday was the last day of the season. we were closed tuesday. i have no hours scheduled for the rest of this week, like some other seasonals. when i left monday evening, nobody said anything. so i asked the hr manager, and she said it was up to the store manager, and that he would let me know wednesday (tomorrow). if they don't keep me, i don't understand why. i'm not trying to brag, and i'm not delusional, but i was really the best team member they had on the floor. even the ones that have been there for years came to me for advice. the assistant hr manager said to me "you're like a superstar on the sales floor". everybody told me how impressed they were with me. the customers loved me. i was so sure they would keep me. i keep wondering if there was a hidden test somewhere that i somehow failed. i love this job. this job is what has kept me going through the last two months. i enjoy helping customers and making people happy, and the work environment there is absolutely awesome. it's a true team, or more like family. i'll be devestated if i lose this job. also, i don't have a therapist anymore. i hadn't made an appt with her for a while, because i was either sick or working. and apparently she saw that as i don't want to come back and closed my case.so, no more therapist. i attempted three times in september and october. the last one almost killed me. i keep having flashbacks of those attempts, especially the last one, during which the cops broke one of the windows on our car to get to me. the window still hasn't been replaced, we taped a shower curtain in its place. i get triggered when i look over at that windwo. i get triggered when i see an ambulance or police car, sometimes fire trucks too. looking at the huge scars on my wrists triggers me. the flashbacks are really getting to me. so now i'm feeling really low, depressed, i want to hurt myself.