Worried about Christmas already!

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by ThePhantomLady, Nov 2, 2015.

  1. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    I've literally just put my Halloween decorations away, and my poor costume is in the wash... (if it can be saved even! A pint of Guinness doesn't do much good on a white dress... not to mention the horrible loss of the amazing drink!)

    I have ignored all the Christmas stuff in the stores, on TV and where else it has turned up the last month.... and I have been slightly annoyed even.

    But I do love Christmas. I shouldn't, I should hate that time of year but usually I'm just a big kid with Christmas. I decorate every inch of my tiny flat, I bake and all sorts of things...

    Christmas when I was growing up was not a good time... my abusive mother and I have a really bad relationship. (You're welcome to read My Story). Christmas stressed her out, especially Christmas eve... if she even decided I had deserved to have a Christmas eve that year.

    Thinking back I can't remember many Christmases that didn't end up with me crying into my pillow.

    I was also violently raped around Christmas time too.

    Last year my mother and me managed a pretty civil Christmas, until a few days after when I packed my things and I didn't talk to my mum for a month. The only way we managed to stay calm until then was that we had both decided not to expect anything of our aunt and just do less... my aunt usually does what she can to avoid to help with the work, she's happy to buy ingredients etc... but it pisses my mum off...

    My mum and I suffer from bad chronic back pains... the year before my mother was still denying that I also had pains, and blew up every time I asked her if I could take a small breaks...

    the year before that I had a panic attack during dinner because I was trying too hard to make everything perfect. We had been to a lot of funerals and it felt like the rest of the family were dying, my mother's aunt was close to losing her leg, and I was in a state of mind that "If we just pretend it's 100% perfect tonight then it all is perfect".
    I only really got to sit down and taste the duck, that then was cold, as I was alone because the others drove my mother's aunt home. I didn't sit down for more than a minute at the table as we were eating.


    Recently my mother does seem to be sympathetic to the fact that I have pains, you can't imagine how confusing it is to hear her say "are you sure you can handle that? I don't want you to hurt". so hey, maybe it will be okay.

    We'll have a bit of a dress-rehearsal next week. My mother's Birthday. I offered to come and stay with her for 2 nights, so I can help her prepare the day before and clean up after... she's not aware I only do that to lesson her stress... and lesson the risk of it being taken out on me.

    Gah. It's just one of those days... It's been a long (but amazing!) weekend and I haven't been kind to my poor back. Which is now giving me a health scare... two of my toes have been numb since Saturday and sometimes my backside also goes numb... plus when I called the doctors office to get an answer to some simple blood tests because I complained of being tired didn't just show low iron as I thought. Most my counts are off... and a mind like me easily starts to panic. They wanted me to see the doctor today already... but since I was in too much pain from my back I had to get a time for Wednesday... again, not a good sign I think...
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 2, 2015
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hope your doctor can help and that you physical pain is decreased some Hope this year Christmas will be special for you