Tomorrow I am meeting my best friend for a fun day of frozen yogurts in a park and some sightseeing... and most important, talking. I should be looking forward to this a lot more than I am... and it has nothing to do with me not wanting to see her, I miss her. There's a reason why I call her my best friend. She's an amazing person and while we live apart and she has a lot of other friends we're very close. But... I don't have a fun week coming up... and it's all my head can focus on. Monday I have therapy with my therapist who lied to me about DBT being 'all girls'... (long story of abuse made me afraid of men... turns out 5 of 9 total participants were males). And who also blankly refused to help me with what is happening on Tuesday... I really trusted (ugh past tense) my therapist and opened up about so many things... Knowing I need help to get over so much trauma and just dealing with life in general... hoping one day to not have to rely on SH and constantly worrying about being suicidal on impulse (getting near to a method I'm in real danger of using it... which is limiting my life major)... Tuesday morning I have a meeting with a new caseworker from the jobcenter... I had a meeting with my former caseworker with my therapist and a caseworker from the clinic last week, where it was decided I was to be moved in the system, from being 'ready to work' to being 'ready to for activities' (there are only those two groups, despite me not being ready for either, due to starting therapy and opening up has sent my anxiety and PTSD symptoms through the roof)... well, it was agreed that I was to be spared for the next 3 months to begin with. More lies. I am to attend a meeting with some stranger, in some place I have no idea where is in this town, about my future and what is going to help me get a job in 6 months, and I have to take a bus there... This is making me face yet another big trigger... (the young man who raped me when I was 13 would take the same bus I had to take home from school, sit himself next to me; pressing me into the window and talking to me like nothing bad ever happened... this went on for over a year). Wednesday is 'hermits united' oh, sorry I mean DBT... With boob-starer guy and galant-flirter guy; and lives-in-my-building guy... and the therapist who talks to us like we're babies... I really do hope to get the best out of DBT, and I want to work on it... I am doing this to get better... and for the future with my LDR boyfriend too... so he doesn't have to bear the brunt of my issues... poor man. And I'm going to be in so much pain. I have chronic pain in my lower back and hip from an untreated scoliosis and bulging disc... I will have a lot of walking to do... and public transport, while being mentally triggering, is also bad for my back. I usually prefer to do things every other day... So I have a recovery day in between to rest my body and my mind... But nope... I can't reschedule any of it... I just have to take it I guess... Though... I am still tempted to just forget all about therapy and the outside world... there's a 'voice' inside my head reminding "And what good did the world ever do you? They all abused you and NO ONE helped you..."