I know this sounds stupid but i am really scared that i am going to go insane, i know its going to happen. I have never been normal for all of my life. I dont mean im wacky and random i mean ive just never really fit in in the way of making friends and all the normal things ppl do. I am scared that once i get kicked out i am going to lose all self control and do something stupid, being with my family, whilst awkuard and loveless, is all thats keeping me stable. Never really focusing on life itself and indulging on lesser important things rather than viewing the bigger picture, never really trying to fit in and just expecting it to happen, not making any effort at all and with noone helping me to do so i have reached mental maturity but with an extreme lack of social skills and questionable morals. I look at these guys on the newspapers who, before where just quiet loners who just tried to get on with it thinking it might get better, then end up going on murderous rampages. Then i think about what made them just snap and do this. Ive had numerous occasions where i have thought of murder and other acts of violence, at the time i thought it would make perfect sense, then i am able to overcome these feelings knowing fine well that they are wrong, but what am i going to do when im alone and theres nothing to help me stop these feelings. I remember when my head started to get really fucked instead of just slightly deranged, and i know its going to get worse, my embarrasment and paranoia stops me from talking to others or going to the doctors to get help, and i know that they arent going to make it go away, just keep it stable, maybe i should just quit while im ahead so to speak. Im so lonely i wish i had a friend who i could have a cigarette with and talk about how i feel just to get it off my chest, maybe it would be easier. I know there isnt a god, why would he want anyone to think like this, i know ive taken drugs and i am quite judgmental, but ive always tried to be the nicest person as i can, what have i done wrong?