Worried that my friend MIGHT be in an abusive relationship

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by Krem, Dec 25, 2011.

  1. Krem

    Krem Well-Known Member

    I have a friend, have known her for quite a while. We're both into, shall we say, playful domination, IE that we enjoy thinking about being dominated by a partner. But, now, I think her relationship with her boyfriend has gotten a tad too far.

    He is quite a bit older than she is, though that is in itself not truly an issue, and far more experienced in pretty much everything, not only sex. Unless he's a stunted man-child, and no insult here is meant to her own intellect or maturity, the relationship is doubtfully deeper than physical.

    The problem, if there is any, is how he completely owns her, both in the bedroom and out of it. She is forbidden to do various things, including but not limited to masturbation, and is often punished for various things by denying her sex, or, possibly worse, by not allowing her to climax. While this can be seen as playful, the extent and frequency of these "punishments" are, I dare say, not entirely normal.

    Before she met him, while she was not a virgin, she was relatively tame in actual sex. Her fantasies I shall not discuss in detail, though they, too, were not too far away from what is considered healthy. But, now, he has "made" her to take part in group sex, with various amounts of partners, none of which she had met before, both male and female (She had no interest in women before, mind you). He sometimes takes part, sometimes just watches.

    He has also, she has told me, been emotionally manipulative- while she did not call me that, I could see it. He would tell her to sleep on the couch without telling her the cause, and she would be baffled, thinking she did something wrong. While, true, this can acceptable, the fact that it happens frequently without her having an idea why, and her continual self-blame, leads me to think of it as a deliberate act of emotional abuse; to make her feel indebted to him, that she blames herself and is more eager to please, more eager to be a "good girl".

    What makes me think all this is deliberate abuse, and not just an unstable character, is how he is kind to her. He will cuddle with her over movies, massage her, take her out to dinner, and generally be nice and romantic towards her, giving her emotional pleasure.

    She, of course, does not think it's abusive, unhealthy or dangerous; after all, she likes it, physically if not emotionally. And so I am loathe to outright state it's abuse- I can see very well why such activities arouse her (Though I fear I would feel too much irrational shame to act on those urges)..

    My question: do I have cause to fear for her emotional well-being? Should I admit to myself that she really does enjoy it, that she finds the thrill and pleasure to outweigh the possible shame and humiliation? Is it reasonable, perhaps, to believe that she does not find these things to be negatives?

    Thank you for reading, and another thank-you in advance should you give me more of your time and reply. :)
  2. truthhurts

    truthhurts Well-Known Member

    It's quite the late reply here, so, if u get to read this, there's a couple things i thought i shud share, since i can sort of relate to her. Firstly i should mention that i consider myself masochistic, in the physical sense mostly, but, i hav not rly been in any too serious relationships, so i cant rly assure u that i understand her situation tht well.

    I'd say tht, yes, the idea of being 'humiliated' or so, can be arousing as well, prolly because it would make the person feel more 'worthy' of the suffering they're put through (that since the humiliation will likely make them feel inferior, if not guilty, dirty, sick in the head, or worse). I would say there is a risk though, since it can wear her mind out a lot, thought, if she feels truly loved by that person, that might ease it. I would suggest u to directly ask her how she feels about all this, if she's willing to talk and if u think she'd answer truthfully (because there's the chance she's in denial of certain feelings she has).

    Also, i'd say tht the person she's seeing is quite the serious case of a psychological sadist, considering the methods he's been using on her. I'd say allowing other people to be sexual with his partner (even worse, in front him), might sort of be a little too 'messed up'. I can't rly assess her tolerance to this though, so yea, she might be just fine with this, i can't rly tell.

    I'd say there's a thin line between healthy and unhealthy, also depending on the feelings the people hav in the relationship. So u might hav to rely on ur gut-feeling on this, whether u shud go and defend her or leave them be as they are. Hope this helped a little.

    Best wishes,