Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Jasv, Oct 17, 2014.

  1. Jasv

    Jasv Well-Known Member

    Today was an okay day. I bought this groupon on this boot camp thing for losing weight. I feel pretty content. I'm back on my diet again. Even though I'm only 4'11, my doctor said I'm supposed to weigh 95 pounds. Right now, I'm at 135. I'm not fat. I would say I'm chunky though. Anyways, I feel fine now, but I'm worried. I have days like this when I feel great, but how long will it last? I'm constantly depressed and have the urge to off myself all the time. I know one thing that also makes me depressed is my weight. I was bullied a lot for a lot of things, especially in middle school when I was definitely chunky, which is why I'm trying to lose it. Even though it's extremely hard. The work out is so intense I could barely get into my car lol. I know I've mentioned this, but I don't want to die. I'm just so tired and sad all the time, I thought it would make me feel better. When I was a junior in high school, I overdosed on pills. I was scared because I knew I wanted to live. I called my mother telling her what I did. She told me I was being dramatic and that I would be fine. It took my grandmother to convince her to take me to the hospital. I stood in there for a week. I was embarrassed because by being in there, people knew that I was sick. That there was something wrong with me. I don't want to get help. I did that once and everyone looked at me wrong. I want to try to get out of this depression alone. Even if it does kill me in the end. I am trying though, even though it feels like I'm not. As if the depression is eating me alive and I'm letting it. I let my anger get the best of me. It controls me, but maybe one day I will get better. I like thinking about that. It's what keeps me going, that maybe one day I wont feel alone anymore. Well I guess that's why I'm worried. It probably sounds a little weird, but doesn't anyone have their sane days?
  2. VagabondVinny

    VagabondVinny Member

    You should do whatever you want; as long as it makes you happy. <:)
    I'm glad that your trying to get out of your depression (I wish I was that determined)
    And I know how you feel. To have this feeling that their are people staring at you (Judging you). It really sucks..
    Anyways, I do hope that you start to feel better!
    But, if you ever need anyone to talk to; I'm here