Last night... i felt sooo great. I told myself... "hey, i dont feel suicidal anymore"... i was accomplished... I had someone on here get so excited about such a feat... but of course... something just had to happen to take all that away.... all due... to a fucking dream.... a fucking dream I had last night... I was looking on myspace and found that samantha had her photos available on her home page... and they were nothing but pictures of her nude and posing in front of a camera... everything was covered either by her hands or her hair.... I couldnt stand to look at it anymore, due to the fact that it was crushing me to see her fall to such a level. I left the computer and was at an EZ Shop somehow and walked inside and found that I had her old cell phone. She had given it to me in the dream so i turned it on and found that she had left me four letters on it... i opened on of them and it talked about how she understands how women can be infront of the camera showing off there bodies... I couldnt stand it anymore so i appeared in samantha's room.... I saw some of my stuff still in there, so I started to take all of my stuff off of her walls and what not... then I found a set of large notes hanging above her bed... they seemed to be notes to remind her to do things that day or any other day she couldnt remember to do stuff...curious to what these were, I looked at them for a moment.... on of them said "I need to look my best today and tomorrow!!! I'm gonna love you, love you , and love you some more!!! and when you think your exhausted enough, I'll love you again!!! Le something le something and some more stuff in either spanish or french" note, what she means by "love" samantha means "fuck"... I would know.... I could tell that this reminder wasnt towards me... it was obviously towards someone else... I looked deeper into the notes hanging and found one particularly different.... it had a name written over and over again.... the name was something like deffereen de something le rooney ... this was obviously the guys name... she had it written in different ways... she always does things like that... this made my heart beat so fucking fast due to the stress and me being upset by it, i actually woke up from it.... I couldnt stand it.... The first thing i did when i woke up... was imagine her walking in... and blowing my head off.... I feel this feeling still... i cant go but 3 fucking days till i start feeling this way.... i wont kill myself... but i sure feel like doing it.