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Worse today

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For the last few days I have tried to distract myself from my own feelings. Today I can't. I go to see the psychiatrist who I hate in 2 hours. Just a half hour appointment but I hate it she asks stupid questions and even when I'm not depressed she thinks I am. Well today and maybe for a couple of weeks I am depressed. It keeps happening. my husband is getting really stressed as I'm not working and paying the bills by himself is too much for him. In fact we aren't managing. I just had a letter that may be the start of us losing our home. I can't take it any more. I have tried but when I try to deal with things I end up in a whole other place and then usually I have waited too long to deal with bills and stuff so end up in worse debt and trouble. I just want to get through this appointment ok so that I can sort out a permanent solution for myself. I know what I'm going to do. I just want to get back from the appointment and have a bit of time to sort things out, then I can carry out my plan and it will be over. No more. I know that there will be pain for others but I think its almost a primal thing that is kicking in to get myself out of pain. This situation of depression etc keeps happening. I know that it is possible to have good times but I don't want them now.
I am not doing anything right now, as I said I have this appointment and then have some things to sort out first. I will feel guilty leaving my husband and dogs but for me that will be short as it should end quickly. Even though I know the method I don't know whether that guilt will let me go through with it or not. The last time that I was about to use the same method I couldn't do it due to guilt and then due to people getting too close. I didn't think at the time that I could have moved away from the people but in doing that, simply due to being so upset, I would have probably raised suspicions anyway.
So the plan is there. I am going off now to walk the dogs so going off line. I may be back later as it will unlikely be today. I just wanted to get it out there as there is no where else to get it out. People may say the psychiatrist but I can't share anything with her. She doesn't seem to believe anything I say anyway. Not many doctors have. I was thinking about writing to my old GP, he saved my life twice (physical ailments) when everybody thought I was faking, just to say thank you to him. Not for the saving of my life but for listening. Very few people listen.
Ok I need to go time wise to get dogs out and appt
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