I pretty much want to die right now. Like, it took all the willpower I had earlier not to grab the knife and plunge it into my throat or grab all the aspirin in the house and down it. Instead I decided to sit in the dark for nearly five hours, trying not to let myself scream or cry, even though I really wanted to. I love my mother so very much; I just wish that everything I do (or don't do) in my life didn't cause her some amount of pain. She found out today that my brothers had once gotten drunk together; one fourteen, one twenty years old. She asked me why I didn't tell her it happened. Of course the answer was that I'm not a snitch; and it wasn't my place to run and tell on my brothers. But I didn't say that. I only said that I was asked to keep it secret. She dismissed me after that. A few minutes later, she came into my room with tears in her eyes and proceeded to tell me how she could never trust me; how just when she thinks I'm not keeping anything from her, she finds out about something I've been keeping back and she feels betrayed. As if that didn't make me feel horrible enough, she brought up the time four years ago when I kept secrets from her with her now ex-husband, and then, angry at her, decided to move out as soon as she'd kicked him out of the house. Now, I know that at the time, I was reacting as a spoiled brat would; I didn't know why she'd kicked him out, and so the reason I left was a reaction of anger. But ever since I came home, she has never let me forget what I did, and when she brought it up today it finally hit me that she is never going to forgive me for abandoning her. While she was talking, I wanted to throw up. I also had to stop myself from getting up and packing my things and walking out the door. Again. I forced myself to sit there and let it all sink in on me. When she left, I started going over in my head all the things I've done to upset her in my life, which is a lot. In fact, now that I think about it, I don't think I've ever done anything that wasn't out of selfishness when it comes to her. And the really disgusting part of it is that I'm not even trying to hurt her. I'm just trying to live my life. How sick is that??? Sometimes I don't even know what I've done until I've thought back on it. How stupid can a person be? I know what she wants from me, the problem is that I'm such a complete waste of flesh that I can't get myself to snap out of being whatever it is I am and change. And now I'm sitting here wondering if she and the family wouldn't just be better off without me, perhaps if I were never born. I absolutely would have killed myself tonight. In a moment, and without a second thought. But I know that if I had gone through with it, my mother would just say that I abandoned her again. So I have no choice but to sit here, knowing my mother will always resent me, and that I can't leave, I can't make it right, I can't do anything but take it until one of us dies, and perhaps even then it won't stop. I just wish she would have had an abortion with me, or that she hadn't saved me when my father threw that chair at her stomach. That way, she'd still have her sons, whom I know she loves much more than me, the way she dotes on them, and half the horrible things that have happened in her life would never have taken place. And I could go back to Hell where I belong. I make myself sick.