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Worst Daughter Ever.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Shiroi_Hana, Mar 23, 2009.

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  1. Shiroi_Hana

    Shiroi_Hana Well-Known Member

    I pretty much want to die right now. Like, it took all the willpower I had earlier not to grab the knife and plunge it into my throat or grab all the aspirin in the house and down it. Instead I decided to sit in the dark for nearly five hours, trying not to let myself scream or cry, even though I really wanted to.

    I love my mother so very much; I just wish that everything I do (or don't do) in my life didn't cause her some amount of pain. She found out today that my brothers had once gotten drunk together; one fourteen, one twenty years old. She asked me why I didn't tell her it happened. Of course the answer was that I'm not a snitch; and it wasn't my place to run and tell on my brothers. But I didn't say that. I only said that I was asked to keep it secret. She dismissed me after that.

    A few minutes later, she came into my room with tears in her eyes and proceeded to tell me how she could never trust me; how just when she thinks I'm not keeping anything from her, she finds out about something I've been keeping back and she feels betrayed. As if that didn't make me feel horrible enough, she brought up the time four years ago when I kept secrets from her with her now ex-husband, and then, angry at her, decided to move out as soon as she'd kicked him out of the house. Now, I know that at the time, I was reacting as a spoiled brat would; I didn't know why she'd kicked him out, and so the reason I left was a reaction of anger. But ever since I came home, she has never let me forget what I did, and when she brought it up today it finally hit me that she is never going to forgive me for abandoning her.

    While she was talking, I wanted to throw up. I also had to stop myself from getting up and packing my things and walking out the door. Again. I forced myself to sit there and let it all sink in on me. When she left, I started going over in my head all the things I've done to upset her in my life, which is a lot. In fact, now that I think about it, I don't think I've ever done anything that wasn't out of selfishness when it comes to her. And the really disgusting part of it is that I'm not even trying to hurt her. I'm just trying to live my life. How sick is that??? Sometimes I don't even know what I've done until I've thought back on it. How stupid can a person be?

    I know what she wants from me, the problem is that I'm such a complete waste of flesh that I can't get myself to snap out of being whatever it is I am and change. And now I'm sitting here wondering if she and the family wouldn't just be better off without me, perhaps if I were never born.

    I absolutely would have killed myself tonight. In a moment, and without a second thought. But I know that if I had gone through with it, my mother would just say that I abandoned her again. So I have no choice but to sit here, knowing my mother will always resent me, and that I can't leave, I can't make it right, I can't do anything but take it until one of us dies, and perhaps even then it won't stop. I just wish she would have had an abortion with me, or that she hadn't saved me when my father threw that chair at her stomach. That way, she'd still have her sons, whom I know she loves much more than me, the way she dotes on them, and half the horrible things that have happened in her life would never have taken place. And I could go back to Hell where I belong. I make myself sick.
  2. bhr

    bhr Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry you're hurting, Shiroi_Hana.

    I once had an Asian girlfriend. She would tell me of the cultural bias towards sons. Being western, I simply took her at her word, but never understood or truly accepted the bias. I loved... still love her so, but that is another story. And, the root of my reason for coming here over a year ago.
  3. Shiroi_Hana

    Shiroi_Hana Well-Known Member

    Well, the thing is, we're not Asian. Unfortunately, that's just the way things are in my family. At least on my mother's side. She loves her boys so much, and I'm just kind of there. We're American, so the explanation for her preference of them to me is simply a matter of choice, not cultural bias.
  4. bhr

    bhr Well-Known Member

    I am very sorry that I presumed mistakenly. Your account of a sons vs daughters bias simply struck a chord, I guess.

  5. evanila

    evanila Member

    women and their baby boys...i think Oedipus Syndrome is kinda global.:rolleyes:
    Anyway she has no right to sadden u like that,your not their mom,its her job.
  6. Aurora Gory Alice

    Aurora Gory Alice Well-Known Member

    My family is exactly the same. I'm the youngest and I have an older brother. I'm the mistake, the black sheep, the disappointment, and she doesn't even try to hide it.

    I HATE how our parents are responsible for messing us up - I'd rather know it was me who messed up my own life, not that I had no part in it and am just the product of some f*cked up parenting.

    The best thing you can do is try and get away from her, my friend has some seriously ridiculously evil parents, the best thing she ever did was leave and start her own life from scratch, almost like being re-born. If you have the resources, it's worth a try.
  7. lorij

    lorij New Member

    your mother has a wheelbarrow full of her own issues---and she is acting them out ON YOU. I dont know how old you are, but......make a new life without her! when you find a person who is kind to you, invite them into your chosen family.......and maybe someday, have a family of your own ; love them as you were not loved.
  8. Hazel

    Hazel SF & Antiquitie's Friend Staff Alumni

    Do you mind me asking what age you are? You know with regard to your brothers and the drinking episode, that really is between them and her, you don't have to be 'piggy in the middle'.
    I think your mum has a lot of issues that she is pushing onto you, you have your own life to live and it seems to me that you have done nothing wrong.

    Hazel x
  9. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    I agree with Hazel. Your mom should not expect you to be the one that is the liason for what she doesn't know. Yes, I wish my children would let me know when their siblings are doing something they shouldn't, but I do not single one of them out to be the one responsible for this. Children also need someone they can share things with and many times it is a sibling. If the sibling always runs to the parent and tattles, then what happens when they really need to talk? I tell my kids that if it is a lifethreatening thing or something that willhurt someone, they need to let me know immediately, but I don't expect everything to be told. I am sorry your mom seems to favor the boys. I am curious though, do the boys see it this way? I have known children that feel the parents favor one of their brothers or sisters and each feels the same way. I don't know the situation with her ex, but it was something between them, and not your place to be the informant. Most often the bearer of bad news also gets the blame or is not believed anyway. Have you tried letting your mom know how you feel? Maybe she doesn't even realize she is doing this to you. Sounds like the time for you both to communicate with each other without judging the others thoughts. :hug:
  10. Shiroi_Hana

    Shiroi_Hana Well-Known Member

    I am going to be 23 years old soon. I've been thinking over everything that happened yesterday; and in retrospect, I really don't feel that I've actually done anything wrong this time. I had nothing at all to do with my brothers' drinking; I wasn't even there, and it happened over a year ago. Today, she acted as if nothing happened; she was in a completely different mood, as though I'd dreamt it all. But I've been walking on eggshells with her all day long, just in case.

    I know that my mother has been very stressed out lately, due to many different situations which seem to hit the family all at once. I've been doing my part to try and help, though it's really not in my hands. Still, she's been taking out her frustration lately, and unfortunately she happened to target me yesterday.

    I still feel horrible about everything that was said; I know that to make her happy, I'll basically have to sacrifice everything I am and everything I have, just as she has done for us, before she'll feel I've grown up. Maybe I am seeing all of this from the wrong perspective, but I've always felt that whenever things go wrong, it's always my fault. Whether it's true or not, I couldn't tell you, because most of my life people have faulted me when things go awry. Now it's just in my nature to punish myself whenever I inconvenience anyone in the slightest. I think I'll spend the rest of my life repenting.

    As for the people who have posted replies suggesting that I leave, it's just not that simple. I did that before, and my life only got worse after that. It's only by the grace of God that I was allowed to come home, and that I'm not on the streets right now. If I left again, and things didn't work out, then I'd never recover. But more importantly, I'd lose my mother's love forever. In my family, you're lucky if your parents want you around. If not, then it's nothing to brag about, because being abandoned is commonplace. So going out on my own and leaving her to rot is just not in the cards, and even if it were, it's not in my heart to do so.
  11. jim_jones

    jim_jones Member

    You will never make your mom happy.
  12. Shiroi_Hana

    Shiroi_Hana Well-Known Member

  13. KoNfUsEd

    KoNfUsEd Active Member

    ok i think the point of life is to make u happy!! not anybody else... but im the boy with 6 sisters my moms never choose me over any of them so i dont agree with the woman & her boys scenario?..but then i dont know anything sorry
  14. jim_jones

    jim_jones Member

    Yep, only person you have control over is yourself, imo trying to change or please other people is futile at best.
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