Worst Day Of My Life

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Butterfly, Apr 7, 2011.

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  1. Butterfly

    Butterfly Resident SF Sims Enthusiast Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    I have had a rotten stinker of a day. Today was the day I went to the Emergency Department to try and seek some further help. I got there at about 12pm. I waited for a couple of hours to be seen (not including being triaged). I saw an A&E consultant and he seemed ok enough. I told him about my thoughts and my OD's and stated that they weren't attempts at ending my life but a form of self harm. Told him I'd been thinking about suicide more often and that I was struggling. He took a history from me. He didn't say much, except he wanted me to have some blood tests to check my liver and a certain medication level in my blood. He then sent me to sit in a quiet area while I waited for mental health liaison to come and see me. The guy was nice enough. We talked and he took a history from me. I didn't really like him that much. He thinks my depression is stemming from the bullying in my past and that is what is causing the problem. I sorted of just sighed. Yes I do still have issues with some of my past and I probably could do with some help of it being resolved, I will admit that. However I think it was wrong of him to put all my depression down to it. He said a medication increase was not going to help me at all. I am really struggling. Really really struggling. He finished off taking ym details and said he would call me next week about the plan of action, as he considered me not acutely unwell enough to do anything else. He then patronised me about staying in bed all day and saying I needed to motivate myself more otherwise I am going to make myself "feel even more shit" and that I should look forward to things in life as he thinks I have a lot going for me. I know there is a lot going for me but for fucksake my depression has clouded all sense of reality so no matter how much you twats tell me I am not going to see that yet. Not until I get better anyway. He tried to suggest that I got counselling through my university. I don't want counselling. I want to see someone who knows what they are talking about so they can help me. I told him I didn't want that, particuarly being that it is all based at the main campus 15 miles away from where I live. I think he got the hint I wanted to see someone more professional.

    I was feeling shit after that but I could cope with the fact that I may see someone to help me, but I have a feeling he will just refer me to a counsellor rather than a Psych. I think he wanted me to try CBT again. CBT is all very well in you know what your issues are. I don't. I'm just a fuck up of life at the minute as far as my head is concerned.

    I was then taken to a medical ward to have a blood test and see if I needed to be admitted medically if I had damaged my liver. I didn't mind the wait. I got something to eat and I was just happy enough sitting in my chair with my eyes closed. The nurse who was looking after me was nice. Around 7.30 she told me that my results had come back and that they were fine and they just needed a doctor to come and discharge me. In the meantime my fiance was asking me why I was on a medical ward and not been allowed home. So I told him about the ODs. He became cold and distant but I tried not to worry about that too much at the time. It wasn't my first priority. I was meant to meet a friend tonight anyway and I asked her if she could come and pick me up from the hospital. Then my phone died. That is where the worst of my night began. I waited, and waited, and waited for this bloody doctor to come and discharge me but noone showed up. I tried ringing my friend on the wards phone, but no reply. I left a couple of voicemail messages. Then, the lady in the bed next to me had a cardiac arrest so it was chaotic. One of the healthcare assistants came and took me out of the bay and sat me in the day room. I sat and watched telly. I was still waiting for this doctor. I was getting worried because I didn't know how I was going to get home, or what I would tell my parents. I told them I was with my friend and would be home later. I thought that would be ok. I didn't get any texts or phone calls back earlier saying otherwise. Eventually at 11:45pm, almost a 12 hourse since I first entered the hospital, a doctor came to discharge me. Can't believe I waited for that fucktard. All he said was, "Are you Alexandra? Yeah your blood results are fine. You can go home". That was it. I waited an extra 4 hours to tell me something I already knew!!! I didn't know how I was going to get home. One of the nurses rang a taxi for me.

    I got home about 12.30am. I put my key in the door and couldn't turn it. My parents had left the key in the other side of the door so I couldn't unlock it. I knocked on the door. My dad opened it, phone to face with a pale and shell shocked face. He said to whoever he was speaking to "It's ok she's home now". Followed by "You have some explaining to do". I just thought. Shit. Then he said "It's ok Ben, I know you're upset. She's home now, I will speak to her". My fiance only went and told him what had happened!!!!! I never wanted my parents to know!!!!!!

    I then had a chat with my dad. In a way I am sort of relieved. But I still didn't want them to know. I don't want to have them looking over my shoulder all the time. I want them to believe me when I say things. I want my parents to be their normal selves. I don't want to be their entire focus. If they are normal, it helps me knowing their is some normality in my life. However my dad wants to help me fight to get the right care. He says I definately need my meds increasing. He told me about his stories of depression and I shared a bit of mine. He also told me not to be mad with ym fiance. He said that he had rang Ben and that Ben just broke down crying on the phone. I'm not mad with Ben. I don't blame him. I think I would most likely have done the same if I was in his position.

    I don't want to be causing anyone any pain. This is why I don't want people to know, like I can't tell them. People end up getting hurt because of me. I wish I could take away this affliction, this burden.

    I am still feeling stuck. I will hear next week what lies ahead. I just hope I can hold out until then.
  2. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Ah the joys of the overworked junior doc in A&E :dry:
    Have to say I dont know where he gets off attempting a diagnosis without a psychiatrist, but its typical!
    Sounds like the day from hell tbh. :hug:

    As to the parents now knowing, and I can really see why your fiance told them; I think this could work in your favour.
    Tell them what you've said here, about the acting normal around you as you find that a positive in your life.
    They can't act for your best if they dont know that that best is.
    Sounds as if you have a strong ally in your dad there, use it!
    Meanwhile, pop along to your GP, tell him what you've told us (write it down if it helps) and beg, demand....whatever, that he get you the appropriate referral.
    Hope you'll be able to put this rotten day behind you and get the help you need.
  3. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    What an awful day is right, but glad you are OK...at least now your dad will help you so some good came of all of that, and Ben...he loves you enough to make sure you will be cared for...maybe this is the beginning of getting the treatment you deserve...hope today is better...J
  4. kmj221

    kmj221 Well-Known Member

    I'm happy that you have support, you are very lucky in having that. Even though it was a bad day, something good did come out of it. Here for you anytime! kmj221 :groupwave:
  5. Butterfly

    Butterfly Resident SF Sims Enthusiast Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    I have had some time to reflect on last night. I don't feel as bad today. I need to settle things with my fiance, but he's not replying to my texts at the moment. I know he is hurting a lot right now. My dad said he was in tears on the phone to him last night. I think my fiance could possibly need his own support network aswell. I don't mean he needs therapy but he too needs someone around him to fall back on because I know having someone close to you with a mental illness is truely heavy going. I have been through this with my dad and we often need to unload our worries and frustrations ourselves.

    Mental health liaison rang me today. I am being referred to a Psychology service and I will be assessed to see what therapy treatment I will need. I will suspect this will be CBT and I will be on a higher scale. I should hear from them in about 2 weeks. I hope I can hold out until then. In the meantime, my dad has gotten me appointment with my usual GP for Wednesday so I can discuss what has happened and discuss my medication. I believe the mental health liaison guy where he thinks therapy will be beneficial to me, but I don't believe him when he says meds won't help me. I did notice some inital effect of my Citalopram, but even my dad said my dose is very low and that he used to have to take 6 tablets a day. He also had CBT. He said the meds took the edge off while he was having therapy cos it can be painful. I know myself as I once had CBT and it was a painful experience.

    Here's to brighter days, hopefully!
  6. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Amen..brighter days and feeling cared for...nice way to start the day...hope it does turn out better for you...J
  7. SashaJade

    SashaJade Well-Known Member

    :hug: lexi hunny :(

    I'm glad you can get some help now :)

    Much love :wub:
  8. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    It's nice that your Dad is being supportive of you through this. You are lucky. There has just been a blog post on the madosphere blog that you may find interesting about drugs and therapy. Check it out. If you can't find it PM me and I'll send you the link.
  9. icequeen

    icequeen Well-Known Member

    what a dreadful time you have had, but like the others i think the fact your fiance told your dad may work in your favour...and your fiance is probably shocked that you never told him this stuff before, but once you get to talk to him and explain how you feel and why you didnt, he will understand.

    what dose citalopram are you on? i am on 30mg daily and doc today said its still low but cos of nausea he doesnt want to increase just yet. he also said it was very good for anxiety and i sure notice if i have forgotten a dose so it may be that your doc will increase yours if necessary.

    dont be so hard on yourself...you cant help feeling the way you do and the fact that you "hid" your feelings from the very peeps (ie your dad) that could understand the most shows that you have a kind heart even under the reason of wanting normality. i hope you get a good psych as they will do a full assessment..i was originally referred for cbt but after a couple of sessions he changed the diagnosis to ptsd which is a different treatment plan. neither will be easy but you need to explain exactly what is happening to you so they get it right first time. just hang on in, give it a go, it wont always be easy but then even "normal" is not easy :console:
  10. solutions

    solutions Well-Known Member

    I know I'm late to the thread, but...

    Anyway, this part really irked me: He thinks my depression is stemming from the bullying in my past and that is what is causing the problem.

    I'm sorry, but what the fuck is this, 1960? That person must have been absent when they handed out pamphlets saying depression was a biological disease. They haven't tried to blame serious depressive episodes on childhood and adolescent issues for, like, 50 years, or so I thought. Ridiculous.

    But I am very happy that you've got a plan worked out for you, if at least a preliminary plan. Keep us posted.
  11. me myself and i

    me myself and i Account Closed

    Hi Lexi, you know how to reach me if things become really tough.
    Keep on posting, keep on being cared for.
    Pete x
  12. MisterBGone


    I once asked my psychiatrist if the dosage of my medication was a lot, to which he replied, that to a general practitioner yes, it would seem excessive. But to him, it was the minimum amount required in order to be effective.
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