worst mommy ever

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Heideho, Aug 28, 2012.

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  1. Heideho

    Heideho New Member

    I just don't know what to do at this point. Everyone is totally annoyed at me and my drama. I am supposed to be a mom but the distance between me and my kids is astonishing. They can walk into a room and I can think to myself "who the heck are you" nice hey? i have no patience for them and they are the best little guys in the world. I feel like I am going to explode so my only solution is to kiss them goodnight and quietly sneak off into the night and never return. They will be better off without me I fugure because this is not what a mother is supposed to be. I am waste of human existance and I get some sort of sick enjoyment out of this all. I hate myself and this is the end. I have had it. I am tired of the fake smiles, the vommitting, the shitty parenting, the constant battle of why the hell I shouldn't go on with it, the alcohol and the general failure I call my life. I am tired of the paranoia that everyone hates me and is talking bad about me etc. this is dumb. I am not going to any fucking hospital what a waste of time. I am tired of coming here for some good conversation and getting totally let down, thus I am also tired of expecting someone to "save" me. I am my only hope and that is horribly defeating. I am extra tired of the horrific thoughts that accompany me and my anxiety. No dear you can't drown your kids in the tub, holy hell what is wrong with me......
  2. Samara

    Samara Account Closed

    Heideho, you said that you don't want to go to a hospital, but honestly you need some very strong professional help here.

    Even if you don't want your children, or do not connect with them etc... and even if you did leave; you mentioned some other things that would not leave you.

    That paranoia, when left alone, will become such that you will eventually think people are out to get you, are following you, might hear voices; will feel unsafe everywhere... will begin checking windows and doors constantly etc.... it will only progress, because it causes doubts, and all doubts do is sit there and imagine every possible worst outcome. Obviously not every possible worst outcome could happen at once, but the doubts will make you feel like that is what would be true.

    Heideho, also, just because you do not bond with your kids like you are expecting yourself to; that does not mean that you should put them in danger by your own hand, or by your own ego which is sticking up for the wrong things here, preventing you from humbling yourself to ask for more help here, or to change what you are expecting to even get help in the first place.

    No one is going to tell you that there is an overnight miracle waiting for you; but the miracle itself, is just you, and it will happen the moment when you do put down your complexes that are defending the wrong ideas, and the wrong emotions here.... and let someone in, or a team of people to help you.

    That need you had for someone to save you, is because you feel like you can't do it yourself, or can't do it all alone; and that feeling is correct; except some of this will HAVE to come from your end.

    I heard a desperate plea in your post to get better, and have things work out; you mentioned leaving your children quietly, and never returning, because you feel that by being around, you will ultimately damage them. That desperate plea is for a change, a change in you; and that change might need some outside perspective, and might need to be taught how to do it etc...

    Get into a group therapy; or get into some kind of therapy, regardless of whatever kind of choice you make, to stay or leave your family; this is a more active type of guidance that seems to suit more of your needs.

    Obviously it is hard to sit and tell people that you either want to end your childrens life, or your own; or that you want to cowardly run away because you just can't face it all, and can't deal with it etc... but being alone in this, is unfair and not right either, and a group therapy could give you a place to open up and be heard, and get the feedback, and a place to go just for you.

    With a family at home, your needs get shoved aside, and the children and others are put first; it makes it almost impossible to be heard, or helped, or dealt with... when you always have to act like you are fine, or have to put on a pretend show for the benefit of others. Therapy at least could give you a place where you can REALLY be yourself, and really just be the person no one else is going to let you be right now: the broken down, damaged, traumatized being who needs comfort, and help, and guidance, and understanding.

    You might not be able to ask your family to do that, but you don't have to. There are ways to get this. Please don't turn so heavily on yourself... at least you are recognizing that something is wrong, and you are asking what is wrong with yourself... you are asking the right questions here, and I promise you that the answers will come...

    So will solutions, and opportunities; which you would never get if you never thought nothing was wrong or incorrect to begin with.

    Please give yourself some credit therein, for at least recognizing that there is something deeply wrong, that you are struggling, and for thinking about how it affects others etc...

    Even in your pain you are wonderful and compassionate to consider how others might perceive you, or how others are handling their lives etc... that is a worthy virtue and value to have, and absolutely does not make you a failure, if that is how you think, even when you are in utmost pain.
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