Worst person in the world...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by non-existent, Oct 6, 2010.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. non-existent

    non-existent Active Member

    ... me.

    Really. I'm the worst person in the world.

    I had it better than anyone else, always. I mean, if you have such a good family, how could it be better? Family does only mean parents, and I would not have like anyone else as a family. People could think I have problems in my family because my parents are divorced, but they are civilized people and I like my father's girlfriend, so, no. I really have the best family you can imagine.

    And what did I do?

    ... I did always get myself into trouble
    ... I was suicidal since I was 7 years old (now: 18, and my parents knew it from years 8-13, then a few times but not much, and then when I was 17. Now they shall believe I'm fine but they don't believe me not matter what I do or say).
    ... I was a difficult child, stubborn, anorectic (from year 7 to 14), afraid or angry very fast
    ... I have been ill since I was a young girl, hiding it using my mother being a psychologist thinking everything has to do with trouble at school
    ... and have been really some kind of disabled when I was 10 and from 12 to now
    ... my family has been threatened because of me
    ... they had to care for an ill daughter, and pay for homeschooling

    Wonder why they still want me. Want nothing but to die. But have to stay cause my mother can't live without me (has no one else) and my father shall be happy with his girlfriend and not grieving for a daughter...

    There are no reasons I have been like that... Absolutely none...

    And there have been so many times when I could have died through illness, murder or suicide under more understandable conditions cause now it is better than it has ever been...

    I hate this girl wanted to completely burn her to death...

    But have to stay...

    I feel the flames burning me...
    I feel the blade in my heart...
    I feel the bullets in my head...
    I see a woman who beats a little girl to death both the woman and the girl are me...
    I see a woman killing the girl over and over again in all different stages of the girl's life..

    The violence in me is exploding I hate myself so much... Can't even beat up that little shit of a so-called person for my mother will see it again can't keep sensible then so no one sees what I have done...

    Have to live on that live of endless hate and violence I can't live.. Hate myself for people being nice to me for I don't earn it... Hate myself even more for every day I live hate myself for my wish to die... just for anything... Write the best grades hate myself even for that for 100% isn't enough and don't earn to be happy...

    Endless...

    But probably, that's the right sentence. No. There is no kind of sentence that could be enough.
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hate is anger pure anger go get some anger coucilling deal with the pain you have inside you . face it head on and get it out okay then maybe then you won't hate you so much and will start to think kindly of yourself start the healing process soon okay You mother will always love you unconditionally as would i my child
     
  3. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    i'm sure you're not worthless NE ..it's the illness making you feel like that...

    are you taking any medication / seeing a therapist?

    I highly recommend telling your parents how bad you're feeling and insist they get you some help....

    Your parents will be devestated (thats an understatement) if you take your life...

    you deserve to feel happy so please go ask (scream if you have to) for some help..

    take care
     
  4. down-and-maybeout

    down-and-maybeout Well-Known Member

    i often feel like i'm the worst person in the world as well

    i pretty much feel it right now

    sorry i know that isn't much help
     
  5. non-existent

    non-existent Active Member

    Thank you for the answers...

    I want to believe them I'm okay... Because my mother freaks out if she thinks I'm not. Best for all of us. I don't want to worry her, and I don't want me to be in trouble. My father says we must see the future because our past is something we can't build on can just forget about it and in this case he is completely right.

    I won't commit suicide because of my parents. They're the only reason. They have always loved me, and they are never allowed to know that all I feel for them is guilt that's why I'm friendly, not love, cause I'm to aggressive to feel love. Don't earn love.

    There's only one way, survive as long as they live, then die...

    It's not I don't want to hate myself I just talk to keep myself from doing something to this dirty worthless person because I know I do not own her my parents own me too so I'm not allowed to destroy property of other people at least it feels like that...
     
  6. non-existent

    non-existent Active Member

    PS:
    I never want to see a psychologist again. Neither does my family want. I wish those people who accused my father of raping me, of my mother abusing me otherwise and of me just simulating would be dead. They wanted to send me to an orphanage (or sth. similar - don't know the English word) where I would have died like so many others did before. There was no kind of sign that they were abusing me in any kind of way. They stuck long sticks in me as a so-called "medical check-up", possibly to fake the signs of a rape, that's what I suppose today. They told me I was a liar because I did not want to "admit" my parents abused me, and they told me I was dirty and didn't was (I washed every day as anyone else did, and you cannot get cleaner than clean). They wanted to make me eat meat that was not good anymore and then as I didn't want to eat it told my parents were not allowing me to eat meat that I would have liked so much to eat (they had seen my mother trying to convince me to eat some sausages and hear me saying I don't eat dead bodies and my mother saying but the sausages will be good for you, so...). They told I was just making trouble about nothing and I'm simulating. They wrote I was showing them my father had raped my by my behavior (i.e. sitting on my chair with legs too wide open, well, I behaved like a guy when I was younger but that is not "sexualized behavior" or whatever).

    Part of those people were psychologists, part were doctors. To make the thing perfect, I was thrown out of school for wanting to leave the classroom one day because I wasn't well. Those people are all the same and can go to hell I won't care.

    There is no excuse for what they've done to my family.

    I'm worthless so it is not bad what they have done to me it pleases me and everything I do is wrong so better do nothing that's the only reason I don't kill them for revenge. No one in the world is allowed to call my father a rapist!!!!
     
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.