Worst Relapse of my Life

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by cie, Sep 30, 2014.

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  1. cie

    cie Banned Member

    Some of you are aware that I worked and couldn't continue doing it. It resulted in the worst relapse I've ever had and I don't know if I can recover this time.

    I tried to talk about it in chat but some people were extremely forceful in their belief they understood and insisted aggressively in a manner equivelant to someone saying you need to get over it because they misinterpreted my description of my current state as something they can relate to due to the fact that words only exist for shared states, experiences, and emotions. I tried to explain this over and over and they kept insisting they understand and know what I need to do, it was very upsetting and made my mind worse. What happens to me in this state is not something that happens to other people, what happens to me when I hallucinate is not something that happens to other people and therefore I can only describe it with words that do happen to other people. I hope someone understands what I say now because I can't handle anyone telling me they've been through this. This doesn't exist for you.

    I am about to finally call mental health crisis. But I don't know what will happen. It is possible the person on the other end will be grumpy, or they'll be nice and helpful. Right now I need to tell myself it'll be the later so I can pick up the phone. It's been 2 weeks I think, but I don't really have any concept of time anymore.

    I am going to give the run down here that I will give the crisis team, I had to make notes to talk about or I would forget everything the moment they picked up.

    - I tried to work and it was a dream job in an amazing environment
    - After 2 weeks I had the worst relapse of my life
    - I feel very little attachment to reality or even to myself other than an enormous amount of anxiety and stress related to my situation
    - Every letter, phone call, even email, gives me extreme paranoia that someone will require something of me
    - It feels like it eats away at my head and something in my consciousness is slipping away from me that has taken my a long time to realize and now i feel if I don't get help I will lose myself
    - Currently I can not deal with people in any way or form other than online, it has taken weeks for me just to call crisis or even post this because I did not have the capacity to cope with my situation
    - I can not take phone calls and can rarely check emails or open letters, I can rarely leave my room let alone go outside or talk to social welfare
    - I don't sleep much anymore and when I start to feel tired I fight desperately not to sleep and I don't understand why
    - I can't make it to the supermarket anymore and have to get food delivered
    - I have no way to deal with social welfare and I have realized I have a review that is overdue and I will not get paid this week and can not pay rent
    - Even though I reported wages as one off they have permanently cut my benefit by a significant quantity to the point I can not live on it and maybe it's an error but I can not fix it in this state
    - I will ask crisis to contact on my behalf and extend deadlines and explain or restore benefit, if they refuse I will be homeless and in this same state of mind - but worse because I'd be homeless
    - I have not been homeless since I was 15, I will not be homeless again, I will be dead before, and that isn't an empty proclamation. Social welfare make me feel humiliated and degenerative and treat me like I am stupid, I wont let them put me in a situation where everyone will think that because it is too much for me
    - As above it is worth to mention that my life or my death have equal value with no reason to transition between, I hope that it will not be less painful to transition to the other than it will be to deal with this because I would like to be fixed and keep living

    I will call now
  2. cie

    cie Banned Member

    He wrote up everything but basically I have to call again during the day it's 4.35am atm. I hope I can manage to call again. I don't know if I can stay awake at that time.
  3. sudut

    sudut Well-Known Member

    I know. these people, though they intend to help, end up hurting others.
  4. cie

    cie Banned Member

    I did manage to stay up and I called again.

    Most useless worthless crisis support I've ever encountered.

    I was so upset about it I called social welfare without even realizing and ended up talking to an extremely nice person who sorted everything out.

    Funny how that works. I haven't slept in days, maybe I can try now that I don't have that stress.
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