worst time of my life

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by draz, Feb 10, 2008.

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  1. draz

    draz New Member

    okay so here it is
    i use to be a nerd get teased at school and had a really big anger management problem got kicked out of 2 schools for almost killing the kids 2nd one my mum sent me off to a school 4 hours out of melbourn to live with my uncle
    after 2 years of that where i managed mamaged my anger maby snaped 2 or 3 times a year that was back in year 8 then i moved back with my mum and went to a really violent school and was picked on every day for 3 years in whitch i attempted suicide 3 times all faild then went to school and snapd and went on a rampage smashing in a fair few windows chaseing this one kid down after that i quit school and started goin to tafe and became prity populer every one was nice to me for once things were good moved out when i ternd 18 went out every week had this one girl i was really into asked her to marry me after about 7 months and she said yes
    the next week she drumpd me for my bestfriend
    after that i never really trusted women i went out alot picked up alot but i dident care about them thay were jsut sex and one nighters
    after a while people started getting up them selves said i had no heart
    and told me to have more respect for women
    i never lied to anyone i never told them i loved them or had more feeling for them than the feeling in my pants
    about half a year had gone past and i got pissd of i was sick of peopel treating me badly so i decided id give dateing one girl a try so i wated till i found a girl i totaly trusted
    i was 19 she was 17 i wated till she was redy for sex never asked her once to do it
    i took her out every where a month had gone by then one night we ended up haveing sex and i regreted it i dident want her to do something she felt she had to.
    after a month or so had gone by she started complaining that we never did anything but have sex said it felt as tho i was useing her whitch i wasent i was madly inlove with her i went out and bought her a 500$ necklace for our 2 month and had it inscribed took her every where paid for everything
    but thing started getting tough she could only see me once or twice a week
    one day she went to the formal with one of her mates cause she promisd him befor we started goin out i dident mind had a boys night
    wasent invited to the afterparty was kinda upset since my best mate who had been dateing her bestfriend was there but wanted her to have her space
    found out from my mate the next day this guy she was with had confesd his love to her i dident do anything dident go beat the tar out of him i had respect for him and had more respect for her to make a decision
    she never mentiond it once to me she told him she was sorry but she loved me
    it made me the most happy i had ever been in my lift i told my mate to have a word with the guy and tell him to back off that i wasent upset but to have some respect for what we have he did.
    after another month she decided she was gona go to sydney for schoolies
    i dident really understand why anyone would want to go there for schoolies when every one from sydney go's some where else so i offerd to pay for her and me to go to queensland or some where nice for a week or two and she said no
    i was okay with it again wanted her to have some space
    i went clubing every weekend never cheated on her once never even looked at another girl i even deleted every girls phone number on my phone and blocked em all
    about a month later she started bein really silent on msn wouldent talk
    so i asked if she still loved me and she said how could you ask that i love you more than anyone in the world made me happy the following week she did the same thing and i asked if she was okay
    and she said i think we should break up
    3 days later my Best friend got dumpd by his GF cause she was a sheep and did what ever mel (my now ex) did.
    when i asked her why she just said because she coulden see i knew it was a lie we lived 10min walk from each other
    it devistated me the following week i had made bookings for out anerversery to go to the open range zoo and feed lions and other animals then to go to a really nice restraunt
    i was also about to buy her a new computer so she could play world of warcraft better
    cause we both played together
    i started drinking everyday
    id be drunk befor i even got to work at 6 am
    every lunhc time id go to the bottle o and get a 6pack
    and on the way home id buy a bottle
    to last me till the next morning
    this went on for a good month i had run up two credit cards owed 6grand
    my boss did a random breth test on me and told me i needed to pull my self to gether and if i came back drunk the next day to pack up and tools and not come back
    pull my self together stopd drinking but the pain came back
    had my 20th bday none of my friends came out with me my best friends gf got really upset and came with me
    i couldent look at another girl with out feeling like it would be cheating on mel
    the girls i did manage to be with when i was really drunk that wanted sex i couldent preform with out thinking about her and just goin dead
    tryd to get over her keep my self entertaind with video games tryed not to think about her
    new years passd and i gave my mate my house for a party spent a whole day getting the house redy but had to take car of my cuz who is like 7 and a royal pain in the ass punchd me and all my mates in the balls and wouldent behave told her off (all i could do) and she went on about wanting to die it made me really depresd was only ment to take care of her till like 3 her dad dident show up till 8 so we all went to the beach and i ran into mel and she compleatly lookd thru me like i wasent there it distroyd me went and got booz and started drinking my cuz got picked up and i went home depresd looked at her myspace and saw (ilove you) from another guy sent me off the rails got a bottle of metho and started drinking and was caught by one of my good friend
    passed out half way thru the 5 leater bottle
    almsot chokeing in my own vomit was taken to the hospital
    had to get picked up by my mates farther cause i dident want my famly to know
    my mum was overseas at the time
    had my mates party the next day then found out the guy she was goin out with was 16 in sydney a guy she met on world of warcraft then found out i got dumpd for him
    i just sat in my room and cryd all night till i passd out
    every day i have people over to check up on me it makes me feel bad i cant even kill my self with out bein botherd.
    i started to feel a litle better thorght i was over it
    went to a guys goin away party who i knew knew she was there thorght id be alright was chill drank a bottle of couger and had a 6 pack and another 6 pack of pure blonds and got really mad
    found out she was dateing another guy now and drumpd the guy in sydney cause....she could never see him
    now i could never hit a girl but i could sure as fuck beat the fuck out of every one of the guys she was with at that party
    but decided not to was walking out to go home and her (BF) walks past and gives me the sholder bump and go's you right! liek a smart ass that made me kinda angery so i looked at him for a second
    and then i punched him once lightly
    and ko'd him split the skin under his eye
    and left not befor i aparently discraced my self
    woke up thismorning dident remember a think other than i ko'd her BF felt really bad
    went to my phone was outa battery so i charged it tend it on had about 50 missd calls and a bunch of text saying fucking come back and heaps of other shit
    im not a verry strong person im big 6.6 but i did enuff damage so i sent every one consernd an appoligy but it wont help i really cant take it anymore i just want to go work and live in another countery but i have no money and alot of dept berly any one my friends talk to me thay think im stupid for what i have done and dont understand
    im a broken person i just want to die and not cause any one any greef whitch im sure apart for a verry few people i will
    she has broken me and i cant handle anymore

    *not every thing but most of the problem*
  2. draz

    draz New Member

    yay now aparently the guy i hit got all his cousens together *his a wog* and is heading my way should be fun no need to worry about killing my self i can finaly let my anger go i can finaly rage and go out the way i always wanted to fighting
  3. Panther

    Panther Well-Known Member

    it is still possible to rebuild your life, but you've obviously been attracted to the wrong people. If you tried working on yourself first you might find in the long run that you don't fall for people you shouldn't.

    That said there is no excuse for these people to act like they did, but you can't let them define your whole life, if you could make a big effort to get your life on track, then hopefully you'll realise you're better off with out them.
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